It’s Not Rocket Science…But Neither is Your Job
Posted: March 28, 2013 Filed under: Actual Useful Advice (no, really), Angry Rants | Tags: comedy, high school drop out, humor, neck tattoo, people, stupid people, work, writing 5 Comments »I’ve reached a low point in my life. I’m being judged by a garbage man with a neck tattoo.
I live in a place that has ‘valet trash’ service. This is a fancy way of saying ‘we pay a bunch of ex-cons and high school drop-outs $20 a night to pick up your trash at your door, for the low, low price of $50 a month.”
Being the dainty flower that I am, I use this program. Well, also, you can’t opt out. My complexes dumpsters are locked up tighter than Fort Knox and only a select group of individuals have the key. From what I’ve seen, you’re only eligible if you have a criminal record and some form of ‘fuck the police’ permanently, and prominently, etched onto your body.
Anyway, the whole valet trash thing seems easy enough. You put your garbage out, they take it. But then you get into the complexities of garbage politics. They won’t take loose pizza boxes. They won’t take unflattened cardboard boxes. They bitch about bags that are too heavy.
Also, if they fail to show up for three days, and one of the several billion squirrels that run around get into your trash and destroy it, they bitch about that. I really feel like I need to apologize for that. If there are any valet trash men out there, reading this tonight, please accept the below as my formal apology.
Dear Garbage Man
I’m so sorry I forgot to deploy my Sonar Squirrel Repeller 3000 while you took your spontaneous vacation. Maybe I should have just sat outside for three days waving them away with a fucking broom until you decided to some back. You know, because my life revolves around making a service, that I pay you to do, easier for you. Regardless of how poorly you decide to provide that service.
Sincerely,
Essa Alroc, Person Who Pays You
Tonight was the last straw. As I sat here, finishing up yet another 12 hour work day, I heard one of these douchebags complain through my open window about the way the knot was tied on my garbage bag. The exact phrase; “Jesus, learn how to tie a fucking knot. It’s not fucking rocket science.”
The guy nearly shit himself when my blinds popped open and I responded, “nope, and neither is your job but you still can’t manage to do it without leaving a line of garbage down my walkway.”
He walked away without responding. It was a shame, because I had many more helpful suggestions about what else he could do to make his job easier. Some of the helpful tidbits I was going to recommend;
- Try being in the country legally. That way, your job won’t involve working for a shady contractor who owns a pickup truck and only hires dudes that hang out in front of Home Depot.
- Try graduating from High School or at least getting a fucking GED. My friend Sara finished her GED in approximately 12 minutes, for $399, by taking a correspondence course she found in her TV guide. No joke, there is no longer any excuse for not managing to at least complete the standard 12 grades. Don’t give me a hard luck story either. This isn’t China. There is more than one free program available out there. Find it, and you might find someone willing to at least pay you minimum wage.
- If you have chosen to get a facial tattoo with a swear word or racial slur, you’re not getting a job that pays more than $3 an hour unless you go back to prison. No suggestion here. Just an FYI.
What are you getting from the tips above? If you hate the idea of cleaning up my garbage for a living, it’s not my problem. It’s yours. Do something a little more productive than bitch about the people who pay your salary and things might get a little better for you.
Who knows, maybe someday, you’ll be the one driving the pick up truck.
Dealing With Scammer A-Holes in Freelancing
Posted: March 19, 2013 Filed under: Actual Useful Advice (no, really) | Tags: copyright violation, DMCA, freelance writing, freelancing scams, getting started freelance writing, humor, internet scams, work, writing 7 Comments »If you’ve been following my tips and tricks on freelancing, then you’ve seen my articles on how to land clients and how to start your own freelancing business. At the same time, I hope you’ve been paying attention to how to avoid a scam.
If not, it’s time for Essa’s tutorial on DMCA and how to keep from getting your work stolen.
Unfortunately, there are scammers out there who are only trying to collect as many articles as possible so they can resell them or use them without paying. Let me explain to you how they do this, because these requests will actually appear perfectly legitimate.
Generally, the scammer will request a test job. A test job is not the same as a free sample. Instead, it’s a common, legitimate request when starting with a long term client. If the article is accepted, the client will pay for the rights to use it and you’ll begin a relationship.
In one of these scam instances, they will request the test job. Then, after you submit the article, they will just disappear. Sometimes, they’re just a normal client who is too busy to respond. A follow up email will usually get a response with a yes or a no from a non-scammer.
However, if they delay or start making excuses as to why they have not made a decision, chances are you’re dealing with a scammer.
Let’s be honest. Most of the articles you will write for test jobs are going to be around 500 words. If they can’t read an article of 500 words in under two weeks and make a decision, chances are they are planning on stealing it. Don’t let them.
The easiest thing to do is send an email withdrawing your application and asserting your copyright. Resist the urge to tell them to go fuck themselves. Regardless of how tempting it may be, after you’ve wasted hours of your valuable time writing for them, be a professional. You can never truly tell if someone is scamming you, or if they are simply an unresponsive client. Regardless, you don’t want to work with them. Scammers for obvious reasons and unresponsive clients because getting them to pay you is damn near impossible.
Just send an email thanking them for their consideration, but state ‘due to time constraints’ (or whatever cliched phrase you want to use) you will be unable to work with them. Then, make sure to add this sentence or something similar.
“I also assert all rights in articles submitted for consideration and not purchased per standard copyright law.”
To a non-scammer, this sentence simply tells them that you’re keeping the article for your future use. To a scammer, it tells them “I’m watching you. Don’t fuck with me.”
Standard copyright law isn’t complicated. You don’t need to register anything and you don’t need to file any legal forms. Simply stated, once you write something, you own it until you sell the rights to it. Never agree to transfer of copyright prior to payment. As long as you can show proof, either through a word doc or emails, that you wrote it first and that the copyright wasn’t purchased, you’re safe unless you have to take it to court.
Trust me, you won’t have to take it to court. There is a simple law out there to protect you and it’s scarier than any courtroom. It is the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, aka, the DMCA.
After your close call with a scammer, sell your article to someone else ASAP. It’s much harder to steal something if it’s already posted online. Usually, scammers will sit on these stolen articles hoping that you forget about them. Before you sell it, check to make sure it hasn’t been posted by searching one phrase from your article on the internet, or checking the scammers website.
If you find your article posted somewhere, you need to act. First, use the contact form on the website to send a polite message reminding them that you own the article and requesting that they remove it immediately. Give them a limited timeframe to respond. Every second they’re posting your stolen article is a second they’re making money on your stolen article. In the past, I’ve given anywhere from 24 hours to 1 week, based on how likely I thought it was a scam over an innocent mistake.
If you don’t get a response, then it’s time to get aggressive. Find a formal DMCA notice of copyright infringement. Send a copy to them. Send a copy to their hosting provider and send a copy to any advertising partners listed on the site. Advertisers are making money off your scammers copyright infringement as well, so they are guilty by association. Ironically, they are usually the first people to do something about it. Generally, they’ll pull their ads and end their affiliation with the scammer.
Here’s where the DMCA gets scarier than a courtroom. Once you have sent proof of your copyright and the right DMCA form, the web host will either remove the content themselves or ask that the site owner remove the content. If the site owner refuses to remove the copyright material, or doesn’t respond, the hosting provider will shut the entire site down.
Not only will your scammer get their page shut down, if they do get it back up after removing the copyright material, they will also get a black mark on their Google record as a copyright violator. Any website with multiple DMCA notices gets tanked in the Google rankings. As their goal in stealing your material in the first place is to get an increased site rank, you just hit them where it hurt. Well done.
It is getting harder and harder for these scammers to swipe content. Thanks to that, those of us trying to make a reputable living doing this have a better chance of doing so. Never let someone make money off your work when they haven’t paid you for it. Instead, know your rights when it comes to your material.
And above all, know when to be an asshole.
A Notice To Prospective Clients
Posted: January 22, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, ebooks, freelance writing, full time writing, humor, internet scams, work, writing 7 Comments »I get a lot of requests for proposals from prospective clients about projects they need done. Some are reasonable. They give me an outline of their project, I give them an idea of price and how long to complete. This notice isn’t for those clients. This notice is for the other 25% of proposal requests that I get that I immediately decline. Let me explain to you why you aren’t getting any responses to the project you need done and answer some common, but incredibly annoying questions I get.
You’re living in a fantasyland on price point. It’s not just annoying for someone to send me a request to write an ebook and tell me their budget is under $500; it’s insulting. Sometimes, if you’re just looking for formatting or editing, I get it, but you’re still asking the wrong girl. I write, I don’t edit. Believe it or not, the two generally don’t go hand in hand. However, for those people who want me to write an entire, 50,000 word, fictional story based on a very loose plot line about their family’s heirloom quilt, for under $500, realize that you are asking me to work for about 12 cents an hour. No, I don’t give a shit that you’ll give me a share of the profits when your boring as fuck quilt book goes viral like 50 Shades of Grey. Why? Because most self published books sell under 100 copies. If it’s a family project and you’re not interested in making money, how cute! Call me back when you can actually afford to pay for my time. Generally, a novel that I sign away all rights to is costing you in the 5 figure range. That way, if the book does make you rich, I will be less likely to kill myself for signing away the rights to it.
No, I won’t post the articles on my blog. I know that they’d get more exposure here, but there’s a reason my blogs are popular. Because I write interesting shit and I don’t censor myself for a sponsor. If I start selling out and selling space to every company who approaches me, my blog would soon be nothing more than vibrator reviews and healing crystal articles. Then my readers would disappear. I rarely drag my blog into my work. Last time I did, it was for a company whose goal was to build schools for girls in Afghanistan. If your company is trying to raise money to keep a 10 year old from getting acid thrown in her face for daring to learn to read, then fine, drop me an email. If you need a review of the New Rabbit Ultrasonic Orgasm 5000, I will give you the same review I give all vibrators right now. “It’s good, but not as good as the real thing.”
You don’t need to talk to me on the phone. Picture me doing that Jedi thing with my hand as I say that. I work with an escrow account, meaning that if you’re not satisfied, you’re getting your money back and I never even see it. I am not a Nigerian scam artist. You do not need to talk to me, or heaven fucking forbid, Skype with me. I write for a reason. I hate talking to people. We can exchange the same info in a 3 second email that you want to give me in a 25 minute phone conversation. Oh, and we will never Skype. Why? Because I haven’t changed my clothes or brushed my hair since I started freelancing. Trust me, seeing me would actually be less reassuring.
Employee or Contractor – Pick one. If the answer is employee, I quit. Here’s how it works. You tell me what you want, I deliver it in the required time frame for an agreed upon price. You pay me. I go away. In exchange, you don’t have to insure me, pay me unemployment if you don’t need me, or jump through hoops to get rid of me. You are not installing a tracking monitor on my keyboard to make sure I’m typing the whole time. You’re not spying on me with a web cam or taking screen shots of my computer verify my hours. That’s shit you do to an employee, which I am not. We agree to a price for a product, I deliver it. Let’s keep it uncomplicated.
NO FREE SAMPLES! Picture this; I finally walk into Abercrombie & Fitch without my eyes swelling shut from allergies. I cram myself into a pair of acid green, torn, size – 4 jeans then walk out of the store in them without paying. It’s ok though, because if I like them, I’ll actually pay for more. If I don’t, I won’t buy anymore, but I’m going to keep the pair I just took. Sound ok? That’s what you’re asking me to do when you want me to write an example, 500 word blog post for free and sign away my rights to you for it. Need a sample? Check one of the 70 articles, 3 books or countless blog posts I have published. A request for a custom written free sample screams scam to me and you’re not getting a response.
Of course, the clients like these are uncommon, but not exactly rare. In fact, I think I get at least one of these requests a week. For those who are considering freelancing careers, keep an eye out for those types of request. Sometimes, they’re just harmless requests from someone not familiar with the work. Sometimes, they’re request from people trying to get over on a new freelancer. Luckily, the beauty of being a freelancer means you never have to be stuck with a bad client. Instead, you can dump them off on someone who’s not as informed.
Tips to Freelance Full Time – The Day Essa Alroc Actually Gave Advice
Posted: January 7, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, freelance writing sites, freelance writing tips, getting started freelance writing, humor, work, writing 12 Comments »You might be rubbing your eyes, trying to see if you read that title right. If you’re familiar with my page, then you’ll notice that I generally don’t give advice. I give long winded rants filled with profanity. However, I get a lot of questions posted and emails to me from hopeful freelance writers, who want advice on breaking into the field.
Now, as a disclaimer here, I’m comfortable, but I’m not millionaire. I live in an apartment and I drive an inexpensive car. I am the midlist of the middle class. I don’t have a lot of expenses, so the transition to full time writing was easy for me. Aside from my semi-regular illicit substance purchases, I’m a pretty low maintenance chick. The tips I’m going to give you might help you get to the middle of the pack, but they’re not going to make you a millionaire.
First off, you’re going to have to learn to deal with some incredibly boring work. My main goal isn’t to be a freelance writer forever. It’s to make money from my books and the stuff I like to write. However, that’s not something that can pay the bills instantly. If you’re planning on uploading your novel on Kindle and waiting for the profits to roll in, you’ve got a long wait. In the meantime, that means paying the bills by doing some incredibly boring work.
Who’s giving you that boring work? Business owners. The biggies are lawyers, doctors, financial execs, real estate offices and pretty much any type of sales work. There are also possibilities available in the alternative health, computer programming and technology industries, but those require a bit more expertise. Rule of thumb; if it has a website, it needs content.
How do you get to be the one that provides that content? First, notice the word I’m using. ‘Content’, not articles. If you’re going to make a living freelancing, it’s not about magazines and newspapers anymore. It’s about the internet. I don’t care what you’re writing about, that webpage’s goal is to have hits from SEO. If you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about when I say SEO, we’re already getting off to a really bad start. If you do, feel free to skip the next paragraph.
SEO is about how a web page is ranked in a website. The big one is Google, which takes about 80% of the market share on searches. Google has an algorithm that crawls webpages, finds keywords and indexes them. When a used types a search engine phrase like; ‘hot anal transgendered amputees’, those search results come back with pages where those words were found. Of course, those search results will include every page, regardless of whether the page is about ‘hot anal transgendered amputees’, or whether it is a page like mine that has nothing to do with the subject. To make sure the websites are given proper credence, each one gets a relevancy ranking based on how related to the phrase they are. When someone is asking you to produce ‘content’ they are asking you to get them to the top of that list. That’s what search engine optimization, or SEO is for. Learn it, absorb it, fantasize about it in the shower. It’s your life now and it changes every fifteen fucking minutes.
Before you even consider hunting clients down like the innocent prey they are, you need a resume and writing clips. Freelance writing is a tough business, because most of your work is going to be ghostwritten. Trust me, my opinion is all over the internet, but it’s not my name attached. When you ghostwrite, you don’t get credit, you lose the right to your work, and you usually can’t use it as a clip sample. However, you can note you ghostwrote for a company on your resume, and if with their permission, link to the blog you worked on.
However, the easiest way to get clips is to hook up with a site that allows newbies to post their articles. The site I started out with was the Yahoo Contributor Network. I barely do work on it anymore, but it can really help boost your credentials. It’s also network central. I got approached by 60 Minutes following something I wrote for Yahoo! News. They are a fantastic place to start getting the clips you need for your resume.
As far as getting your feet wet, and for some immediate writing gigs, you can try a few of these sites; Text Broker, or London Brokers . Sites like these are commonly referred to as content mills. They can be great starting out, or if you looking to make a little extra cash. However, if you focus only your writing career on these, you will learn to hate writing. They don’t pay very much, but they’re easy to get into and you don’t have to apply for jobs. You just pick an article and start writing.
What’s the downside, besides the low pay? Let me give you a verbatim example of what you will be writing about.
Please write an informative and creative article concerning “BEST NY TRANSMISSION SERVICE”. Article must be interesting and informative. Please write 500 words, use keyword 11 times. Adhere to the exact mode of the mentioned keywords.
Yup, boring as fuck. You’re writing filler, keyword focused articles and you’ll need to do about 10 an hour if you want to make any real money. On the upside, it will help with your creativity, because it takes a magic fucking computer to make transmission service centers interesting.
Again, content mills are great for getting your feet wet or if you’re just trying to make some extra cash. I would not recommend building a career on them. It can be done, I know several people who do it. But they don’t like writing anymore. That’s why you need to move on a bit, to getting clients who allow you a little more creativity.
Again, unless your one lucky fucker, you’re not going to start out writing something you’re passionate about. However, at least write about something you can tolerate. Alternate professional Essa writes legal articles, alternative medicine articles, jewelry articles and programming articles because I find them interesting. I don’t force myself to look into sports writing, because, aside from competitive drinking, I fucking hate sports. I write for clients whose work already interests me. Because of that, it requires less research and feels less like work.
How did I get my clients? Well, I started out on Elance. There are other sites like oDesk and Guru that you can also use, but I prefer Elance. These sites are bidding sites, so you need to be careful. DO NOT ALWAYS BID LOW! In the beginning, you might have to bid lower, but do not try to beat out the guy from India, offering to write articles for 1.25 each, who speaks English as a second language. I both hire and apply for jobs on Elance. When I apply, I bid a fair price that is not nearly the lowest. When I hire, I pick the best proposal, not the lowest price. Bidding what your worth isn’t just about you. When people come into the market charging rock bottom prices, everyone starts to drop their prices and we all make less.
So in conclusion, if you plan on starting your freelancing career this year, I hope my tips can help you out. At the very least, they’ll get you started. Of course, the best way to get started is to buy several thousand copies of my book, so I can retire and you can get me out of the market. I’m heavy competition. 
The Home Stretch – Alternative Title; I Will Never Finish This Damn Novel
Posted: December 9, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: books, comedy, ebooks, humor, life, work, writing 8 Comments »Today, I looked slightly to the right of my computer screen and realized that my site counter for the release of my next book, Asymmetric Angels, has significantly less time on it than it used to.
When the hell did that happen?
I currently have three days to finish my next 100k word book, if I want to get it to my proofreader in time for the December 26 release. Is it done? Mostly. It’s all written in my head. It’s just getting the damn words down on paper that’s the pain in the ass.
When are they going to invent mind reading dictation software? It’s the 21st Century for Gods sake. We should all be riding around in hover cars, living in space, and I should be able to write my novels while I’m sleeping.
Anywho, I’d say all together I have about 20k words left to go. That’s not so bad. Mainly just closing up plot holes and writing the ending with enough lose ends to allow me leeway into the third and final book. But I can’t get it done. Why? Because I’m the words biggest procrastinator and I have the attention span of a baby goldfish. To give you all an idea of what I’m dealing with here, below is an inside look into my writing process.
An insanely hot girl sits at a crappy computer desk in a small suburb outside of the Orlando metro area. She scratched her chin thoughtfully. “Is this a chin hair?” Tug, tug, tug. “How the hell did it get so long? How did I not notice this before?” Tug, tug, tug. She takes her hand away from her face. “What was I doing again? Oh, yeah. Novel. Must finish novel.” She cracks her knuckles and lights another cigarette. She types a few words on the screen. Reads them out loud. Deletes them all again. Lifts her coffee mug to take a sip. “Argh! When the hell did I put a cigarette out in this!” Spits out coffee disgustedly and notices her overflowing ashtray. Stomps off to the kitchen to get new, cigarette-butt-free coffee and empty ashtray. Returns and sits back down. “Where was I again? Oh, yeah. Novel.” Begins to type when she sees a small, moving dot on her screen. “Is that an ant? Where the hell did an ant come from?” She climbs out of her chair, peering suspiciously, and begins to follow the ant as it crawls off her screen. She tracks it across her desk, down her wall and all the way to her bathroom before she loses track of it. Sighing deeply, she returns to her computer and sits back down. “What was I doing again? Oh, yeah. Novel.” She begins typing and scratches her chin thoughtfully. “Is this a chin hair?” Tug, tug, tug.
Anyway, as you all can see what I’m dealing with here, I really need to buckle down if I’m going to get this done. Until this book is safely nestled in the arms of my proofreader, I’m going to be offline, but I’ll be back soon, sharing my mild disdain and skewered world perspective for all your entertainment.
Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I really have to go take care of this chin hair.
Stupid Greener Grass
Posted: November 13, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, humor, life, office humor, people, relationships, work, writing 6 Comments »
So a few months ago, I was absolutely miserable. I was sitting in a cubicle 8 to 10 hours a day, watching my life drain away and feeling like it was in perpetual pause. For people who don’t know what perpetual pause is (and you shouldn’t, because I just made that phrase up), its when every single day of your life feels exactly the same and the only think that changes is the amount of crows feet on your face.
So I did what any normal person would do to fix my problem. I antagonized my employer until they had no choice but to fire me. In all honesty, it was only a matter of time. I was incredibly bad at my job and I am still amazed to this day that it took everyone 6 years to notice.
I think I might be prettier than I originally thought.
I would like to say straight off, I have no regrets. My job was guaranteed to end only one way.With me flinging myself out a window if we had another ‘Lean Process’ meeting.
The freelancing is going well. I’m actually a bit busier than I can handle at the moment, with new clients sending me query letters every day. I’ve finished a novella and almost finished my sequel and I’m pretty sure as soon as I put them up, I’ll have a decent amount of residual income coming in from book sales.
But how do I put this? Oh yeah, I’M FUCKING BORED. I’m spending like 16 hours a day on my computer. How do the fat guys who live in their moms basements do this? I’m tired of wearing sweatpants and putting my hair in a pony tail. I’m tired of forgetting what day it is, what month it is and sometimes what year it is. The only people I see are my brother and my son and I’ve run out of shit to say to both of them.
I miss coworkers and inappropriate workplace jokes. I miss mean spirited rumors and snide office gossip. I miss high heels, wearing lipstick and fixing myself up in the morning.
So I’m considering a part time job. Many people might be scream, ‘why!, you’re living the dream. You answer to no one. You’re self-employed!” But in all honesty, I have to disagree. Why? Because now is the perfect time to get a part time job.
I have absolutely nothing to lose.
I don’t need the job and I don’t need the money. What I need is the human interaction and change of pace. And if that human interaction and change of pace doesn’t meet my standards, if my boss is an asshole or the work is boring, there is nothing in the world to keep me from photocopying my middle finger and sliding it into all my coworkers inboxes. There’s nothing to keep me from quitting in a way that will get me escorted from the building by security. And there is nothing keeping me from posting it on my blog for all your entertainment.
And if it turns out the grass was greener when I was sitting behind my desk 16 hours a day, there’s nothing to stop me from going back to it.
I might start looking tomorrow. Then again, this might be a delusion brought on by the dangerous levels of sleeping pills and beer I’m mixing. If so, disregard.
If not, I think I might make a good DJ.
The Danger of Low, Low Prices
Posted: September 25, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, humor, life, people, stupid people, walmart, work 4 Comments »I have an economic theory about the dangers of low prices that I would like to share with all of you today. It’s based on some experiences I have had, and I’m pretty sure I’m right.
When I was first starting out in article writing, I had a per word rate that was reasonable, competitive and on par with most other writers at my level. I had a few jobs trickle in, but definitely not a flood of work and definitely not enough for me to get by on. So I dropped my price and suddenly the orders started rolling in. Unfortunately, all the instructions for these orders looked like this.
“Please write article based on keyword “genuine imitation alligator leather purses Brooklyn NY”. Please write 500 words. Please use the exact keyword phrase 25 – 35 times. Please make the subject interesting and informative. Please be useful of good English.”
So yeah, I was getting more work, but who exactly was I catering to? These clients didn’t care if my articles were decent, and they didn’t care if my work made sense. They just wanted to pay next to nothing for the jobs and saw no value in my product. If I had kept going the way I was, I would have had a group of clients with no loyalty whatsoever, who didn’t give a crap about quality, and who would dump me for the next cheaper writer as soon as they came along. I would have clients who expected to get next to nothing and were happy with subpar service as long as they didn’t have to pay too much for it.
Are you listening Walmart?
Walmart, the super discount store of infamy, is the perfect example of this incredibly dangerous practice at work. Ask any middle to upper class person what they think, and you’re likely to get groan and a horrible story about shopping there. Walmart got their client base by undercutting the competition at ridiculously low prices. At first, everyone was happy. A store that catered to the blue collar workers of this country! A store that catered to the middle class! It was about friggen time.
Then, that awful segment below the middle class found out about it. The 24 year old women with six kids, with 5 different babies’ daddies and one on the way, who views children as a welfare check. The recent parolee, who needs to pick up steel wool and baking soda at a discount. The people who think that letting themselves get morbidly obsess entitles them to a handicapped parking spot.
It doesn’t, and it’s not a fucking thyroid problem.
As the dregs showed up, Walmart decided to cater to a new consumer. The ‘they probably won’t give a fuck’ consumer. Walmart stopped cleaning the bathroom. They stopped cleaning the floors. They crammed the isles with as many impulse buy products as possible, until its near impossible to get one cart down those slender rows…never mind a 400 pound man driving one of those motorized sit down carts. They beefed up security, because unfortunately, their new market segment tends to have sticky fingers.
And they stopped hiring employees who gave a crap. Instead, their interview consisted of one question. “Will you work for minimum wage or less?” If the answer is yes, then they were given a blue smock and their own register.
Walmart started treating hiring employees like they were buying product. They didn’t care about quality, the only thing that mattered was price point. So they get employees who make it clear to the customer that they hate their job, can’t do basic math and regularly spend the day hiding out in the bathroom that they never clean.
So, Walmart’s new look now includes a dirty store, rude employees and sleazy customers. And they were surprised when their middle class segment started leaving their stores in droves to go shop at Target instead?
I’ve learned my lesson about ‘low, low prices’. It’s not just a matter of ‘you get way you pay for.” Instead, I’ve learned another economic lesson. It’s called ‘you get who you cater to.’
I’ll stick to catering to people who give a shit about quality.
That’s the Nicest Thing Anyone’s Ever Done For Me
Posted: September 20, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, getting fired, glad to get fired, humor, life, unemployment, work, writing 7 Comments »The long awaited day has finally come. The day that I’ve been waiting and hoping for. The day that felt like it would never come, like it would never happen, and I would be miserable forever.
I got fired! And fired in the right way, with the severance package and bells and whistles. If I wasn’t so out of shape, or even remotely flexible, I would do a back flip. But I’m not so I won’t because I don’t have health insurance anymore.
I guess most people in my position would probably be upset, worried, tearing their hair out. Unemployment rates are sky high and the maximum weekly unemployment benefit in my state is among the lowest in the nation, at a whopping $275.00. I have terrible credit, a black mark on my record for getting fired and I may be entirely unemployable.
Thank God for that.
My fear of financial ruin was only outweighed by one thing. My intense hatred of my job.
Whenever I used to say that, I would always get the same idiotic response from someone, usually along the lines of “everybody hates their job.”
Why the hell does that make it ok? For some reason, people think that as long as everyone else is miserable, its ok for them to be miserable too. The only goal in mind is the ability to make it to Friday, so they can have a weekend that disappears in the blink of an eye, followed by another week of doing the same thing over and over again. At least well Bill Murray did that in Groundhog Day, he learned a valuable lesson…and how to make an ice sculpture with a chainsaw.
Unless you’re a rich trust fund baby, the majority of your waking hours will be spent working. If you’re miserable when you’re doing that work, then in all honesty, your life is miserable. That’s not ok, and it should never be ok, not even if Bob from accounting is just as miserable.
People don’t die regretting the hours they didn’t put in at their cubicle, so they could bloat some corporate blowhards bank account. They die regretting not following their dreams, not trying for more, and not living like everyday will be their last.
For me, the ten years I would have probably lived after I retired (let’s be honest here, I’m probably not making it much further than 60) weren’t going to be enough. So instead, at 32, I’m starting over.
The way I see it, I’m pretty good at two things. The first one is writing, and the second is snorting lines of Pixie Sticks without sneezing. So if the writing career doesn’t pan out, I have something to fall back on. Awesome.
In all seriousness, I know I’m not always going to get to write what I want. Some days, I’ll be writing boring articles about Social Security Disability and back injuries until my fingers bleed. But at least I won’t wake up dreading everyday anymore. Instead, I’ll push through the boring articles so I can work on my books instead or so I can write angry rants for all my blog followers’ entertainment. Because every word I write makes me a better writer, even if those words are boring as fuck.
And if none of that works out, there’s always Taco Bell. I look pretty in purple.
So, in conclusion, I would like to thank my former employer for firing my ass. It’s probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
I Don’t Want To Be A ‘Free Jeans Friday’
Posted: August 3, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, corporate life, humor, life, people, relationships, work, writing 4 Comments »Last week, somebody in my office died. Dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of 55. To start off with, I didn’t know him. Couldn’t have pointed him out in a line up.
RIP Dave. I hope all the angels in heaven have gigantic boobs.
But now I’m obsessed with him. With his life, what he did. Did he have dreams? Regrets? Are people going to miss him now that he’s gone? Are they even going to know he’s gone? Or was he just another cubicle worker who’s going to disappear from existence like he never was?
Those thoughts were so depressing, it was almost enough to make me take up drinking. Then I realized I’m practically an alcoholic anyway and just continued drinking. I had a beer in his honor, then another, then 12 more.
As I was sitting on the couch with a buzz so heavy I couldn’t even concentrate on the plot line of ‘Two and a Half Men’, I was hit with a frightening thought. Was this his life? Was this what he did every night? Went home, after a shitty day at the office, getting yelled at by people he barely knew, trying to keep up with a workload that even an 8 year old Vietnamese kid in a Nike shop couldn’t handle, and drank until it was all blurry. Did he always tell himself he’d have more time? Take that vacation when he had more money. Start his own business when the economy got better. Tell his family he loved them tomorrow.
And then tomorrow never came.
Today my office put up a chalkboard next to his desk so people could write messages they didn’t mean to a dead man who would never read them. In honor of the occasion, our manager allowed us to wear jeans to work for free, rather than paying the $2 we usually have to. What a way to mark the end of a life. Being told we’re allowed to wear a garment that most of us would have worn anyway.
Next week, some new cubicle worker will be moved into his spot, the chalkboard will come down, and we’ll all have to pay $2 to wear jeans again. But that isn’t going to be Dave’s* only mark on the world.
I’m about 60 days away from getting fired. I’m not exaggerating. I’m not getting laid off. I’m getting fired and it’s happening because I am very bad at my job. Both I and my manager know I’ll never meet the standard and right now we’re simply going through the motions to please HR.
Now ask me if I’m afraid. It’s a bad economy. I’m in one of the most economically depressed states in the country, jobs are scarce and my salary would be impossible to match. The termination will be a black mark on my record that will probably forever bar me from working in the industry I’ve been working in for the past 8 years.
I’m not even a little bit scared. Why? Because failing at my jobs is like failing at masturbating. Sure, I could be good at it with practice, but it’s so much better when someone else is doing it.
There will be no more cubicles. There will be no more resumes talking about my ‘multi-tasking’ abilities and interviews that are really lying contests. Instead, when that termination day comes, I’m taking it as a sign that I wasn’t meant to live in a little blue box. I’m going full time with writing. I’m going to finish the sequel to my first book. Then I’m going to write another. I’m going to expand my freelancing business and when worst comes to worst, I will type out 100 SEO articles a day at some crappy content site to make ends meet. I’m going to live my life by my own terms and I will never, never, become someones “Free Jeans Friday”. The world is going to know I was here.
Thanks Dave.
*No silly pseudonyms tonight. His name was really Dave. I just think people should know that.
The Hot Wife/Fat Guy Conundrum
Posted: July 30, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, dating, humor, life, people, relationships, work, writing 7 Comments »I was reading an article today about how romance novels give women unreasonable expectations, ruin marriages, cause baby cancer, etc. Of course, this article was written by a man. Most likely a 42 year old virgin who lives in his mom’s basement. However, I can’t say I entirely disagree with him
My main point of contention comes from the fact that there is a concern far more pressing that needs to be addressed. It is far more prevalent and way more damaging. I call it the hot wife/fat guy sitcom.
So I’ve never seen this episode, but I can only assume she’s saying “What the fuck do you mean you work at UPS! You told me you invented the I Phone!”
We’ve seen the same familiar pairing over the years. Mr Huckstable and his way too fine for him wife, Clair. Ralph and Alice on “The Honeymooners”, Aunt Viv and Uncle Phil on “Fresh Prince”. Hell, even cartoons pull that shit, with Wilma and Fred on “The Flinstones” to Homer and Marge on “The Simpsons”.
Over and over again, we’re met with the premise that women, rather than men, are capable of looking inside someone to see their inner beauty. They fall in love with these guys for their personalities, not their looks and money.
Wanna hear a secret? Women are just as superficial as men. Generally, if you see a couple that looks like Doug and Carrie on “King of Queens”, you can be sure of at least one of three things.
- He’s rich
- He’s extremely rich
- He is really a wonderful person, with a beautiful soul…and she’s blind…and he’s also rich
Women are somehow held to this higher standard of being blind to looks when it’s just not true. Case in point? Myself.
Back in the days of yore*, I developed a crush on a coworker. Not one of those normal little crushes either. This one was a full on, stalkeresque, googled him regularly, followed his Facebook status praying for a breakup with his girlfriend, crush.
Yeah, I know I’m a psycho. And if you’re reading this wondering if it was you, rest assured, it wasn’t. This dude didn’t know that I was alive. Why?
Simple. Aesthetic disproportionism…which is a phrase I made up. Simply stated, our attractiveness levels didn’t match. As stated in a previous blog, I am a solid 6 on the 1 to 10 scientific attractiveness grading scale. This guy was about a 37. So he dated another 37 and I lusted after him from afar.
Then one day I asked myself why I was convinced he was my soulmate. Was it because he was so nice, so smart, so funny? What was so damn special about him? Or was I really so superficial that the only reason I was crazy about him was because he looked like Julian MacMahon?
Oh Julian, even under all this booze and THC, I can still get a lady hard-on for you.
So the next time we talked, I devised a simple test. When he was talking, I closed my eyes. Suddenly, he just became…normal. He wasn’t any different than he had been before. I just had a little much needed perspective.
So maybe the difference between men and women is that I did that at all. That I cared enough over whether I was being superficial to test myself. Maybe it’s not really that all women are beauty blind. Maybe we’re just a little more guilt ridden over the whole thing. Maybe we’re more focused on finding the difference between love and lust.
Or, maybe I’m just a bitch.
*before I killed my sex drive with regular substance abuse.
