I’m Not Ready to Make Nice

I like to consider myself a tolerant person, even though I know, deep down inside, I’m not. I’m a generation Xer, a former military member and a girl who grew up with the threat of Islam leaning over her head. So excuse me very much if I look at you sideways when I see a person in America wearing a head scarf or a woman covering her face. I’m very sorry that my shock offends you, but let’s admit if I showed up in your middle Eastern country with my hair unbound and my face on full display, I’d get a few shocked looks too.


The difference between you and me? No one is tossing you into prison when you come to America with your head scarf on. I doubt I would be given the same courtesy if I was to go to your homeland.

You’re welcome, BTW.

I’m frustrated by something I shouldn’t be frustrated by. I know it’s wrong. I know it’s not tolerant and my liberal guilt just has me stewing in my own angry juices but I’m going to say it anyway. It’s not my job to make sure the country you chose to live in assimilates to you. It’s your job to assimilate to your country.

I’m on this tangent tonight because of the Australian hostage crisis and the whole #illridewithyou liberal guilt parade that followed.  Never mind the two people that died because of religious extremism, or the 10 more that were horrified because of the hostage situation in the first place. Apparently us westerners need to still make sure that people of different religious backgrounds feel comfortable around us.

We say “I’ll ride with you” to our Islam counterparts, so they won’t get harassed. Because god forbid someone who just goes about their regular business gets harassed. Like when they go to a coffee shop or something and then get held hostage for two days. Unless they’re white. Apparently then, it’s ‘fuck you white people. Game on.”


Yup, it pissed me off that this person, an Islam terrorist, was able to take a shitload of people hostage and the first response of everyone else? “Well, it doesn’t mean all Muslims are bad. We should have a Twitter campaign to support them.”


Are you assholes fucking serious?

We ignore the real victims and we avoid getting angry because of our liberal white person guilt. If we were truly being ourselves, instead of “#illridewithyou” we’d have “#illkickthenextmuslimextremistiseeinthenutsnoregrets.”

No motherfucking regrets.

That is a campaign I’m ready to see. All this over zealous, liberal guilt, religious reverse discrimination is just about enough. Right now, the bad guys are Muslim. In fact, for the past decade, the bad guys have been Muslim. Just so you know Muslims, I’m suspicious of you and I feel no need to defend you. Deal with it.

“Oh, I had nothing to do with it. I’m a peaceful Muslim.”

Well I’m a peaceful white chick, but I still get blamed for slavery. Despite the fact that my family never owned slaves and that I believe black people deserve the same rights as white, I’m a villain. That all occurs because of an accident of my birth.  I didn’t have a choice.

So welcome to the club, motherfuckers. In this country, you get blamed for every single mistake every single one of your predecessors made. It’s up to you to fix it.

You know what I don’t see enough of? These peaceful Muslims stating their extremist counterparts are wrong. I don’t see them getting on the news like Al Sharpton, defending their race. Instead, I see the allegedly peaceful ones expecting others to do it for them.

So no, I’m not ready to make nice. I’m not ready to defend your right to wear headscarves or not touch pork or whatever, because you are not taking the opportunity to defend yourselves.

So yup, when I see a headscarf, a burqa or anything in between, I immediately think “terrorist”. I think so because history has told me to think “terrorist.” You not bothering to defend yourselves gives me no confidence in your position. I think if you had that much faith in your religion, you’d be a bit more outspoken about it.

It’s not up to me to change my view. It’s up to you to change my perception. So get vigilant about it. Take a strong stance against Al-Qaeda, against Isis, against any religious extremist group. Because people are suffering and they are dying because of the religion YOU chose to be a part of.  It’s not your fault but it’s part of your community and it’s your responsibility to fix it. Welcome to the club.

Meanwhile, don’t expect me to defend you religion. Defend it yourself. Otherwise, I propose a new hashtag. Its called’ #getyourowndamnride

Either defend the religion you apparently think so highly of, or let it go. But stop expecting others to defend it for you. Because I, for one, am not ready to make nice. I’m still a bit pissed about the whole 9-11 thing.


And maybe, just maybe, its about time we all got fucking good and mad about it, rather than talking about how much we “tolerate it.” Because I’m a bit sick of tolerating fairy tales being used to drive my life or as an excuse to kill my family and my ‘tolerance’ only goes so far.

Christian…Just in Case


I get more than a few emails accusing me of hating Christians. I can’t say people don’t have their reasons. In fact, on more than one occasion, I’ve referred to Christianity as “praying to the invisible sky daddy” which is probably offensive in and of itself.

But here’s the deal. I don’t hate Christians.  I was raised Catholic and most of my friends self-identify as Christian. There’s nothing wrong with that. In a way, everyone needs there own special thing to feel fulfilled. For Christian people, it might be some way to communicate and find higher meaning in everything that happens every day. It’s their way of making sense of the world. I can respect the need to do that.

Me, I write. That’s my thing. Whenever something bothers me, or doesn’t makes sense to me, I write about it and it makes me feel better. In a way, writing is my religion. I use it to forgive myself for the things I do, justify the things I might do and explain the consequences. To date, I’ve never met a problem that writing couldn’t fix.

I imagine a lot of Christian feel the same way about their religion.

What I have a problem with isn’t Christianity. It’s with organized religion being used for something other than that. To me, religion, in its core, is corrupt. It’s man made. As men are, in their core, corrupt, anything we make has that small kernel of corruption living in it. It only takes one bad person to make that corruption grow. When people blindly follow a person who claims to be ‘godly’ they open themselves to that corruption. They open themselves to the corruption of those who might have ulterior motives.

Jim Jones...the dude who killed a shitload of people who didn't think for themselves.

Jim Jones…the dude who killed a shitload of people who didn’t think for themselves.

I think your relationship with the universe needs to be a personal one. I don’t think it’s something someone else can guide you in. I think we all have the power in ourselves to determine the difference between right and wrong, without seeking the assistance of a middle man.

I have nerves in my body. When I touch a stove, those nerves cause pain and that pain warns me that I’m doing damage to my body. It warns me to stop doing that damage before that damage becomes permanent. So I stop doing what I’m doing.


I think feelings work the same way. If we left things the way they were, if we ignored 1000 year old books and just listened to our feelings, we’d all be better people. When we feel guilt, anger, hatred, sadness, any of those horrible feelings, those are signs that we’re damaging more than our bodies. We’re damaging our souls. If we don’t change the way we act, that damage will become permanent. You shouldn’t need the teachings of Jesus, Yahweh, Mohamed or Buda to tell you that. You already have your instincts telling you what you need to know.

It’s not about religion. It’s about faith. I believe my body was designed by a higher power, which gives me all the tools to know when I’m doing wrong.  Faith isn’t man made. It’s instinctual and it can’t be corrupted. So while I have a lot of faith in faith, I have very little in religion.

I get this message a lot, by the same people that accuse me of hating Christians. “What if you’re wrong? At least if I’m wrong, I have nothing to lose.”

That’s an invalid argument. You can’t be “Christian…just in case” because there is a very good chance you could be wrong. There are more than 4000 known religions. Unless you subscribe to every last one, there is no ‘just in case’. In fact, it’s entirely likely that you’re wrong. It’s entirely likely that you’re doing things wrong, because you’re putting your faith in the hands of men, when you could have faith all your own.


You’ve been given all the tools to know the difference between right and wrong.   It’s just that society, and religion, likes to jump in and gum up the works. Your body isn’t telling you you’re gay because you are being tested. Your body is telling you you’re gay because it knows it’s right to love someone of the same gender. It was what you were made for. The only test you fail is if you fail to acknowledge what you truly are and deny yourself to please other people. That’s when you get the guilt. The sign that you’re denying yourself is the sign that you’re damaging your soul. You were made for something. Accept it.

The purpose of your religion, regardless of what it is, should be this. It should be to make you a better person. It shouldn’t be for you to convert everyone you know into your club. It shouldn’t be to ‘spread your message’. True faith happens on the inside. It happens when you accept yourself.

I don’t subscribe to religion because I find it arrogant. Whatever put us all here, whatever reason it had, we need to accept it is a far more intelligent being that we could ever be. For us to pretend we know what it wants, and even counsel others on its state of mind, is both futile and arrogant.

So no, I don’t hate Christians. I just don’t agree with you all. It has nothing to do with me being faithless. In fact, I think I have a little more faith than most. I have faith in the body and the brain I was given to be able to tell me right from wrong. I believe I was made the way I was for a reason. It wasn’t a trick and it wasn’t to test me. It was for me to find the best possible way for me to be me. I’m doing that.

If you need Christianity to do that, more power to you. I think everyone needs an outlet and I’m not even saying Christianity is wrong. Everyone needs a way the channel that universal energy we were all given.

But you can’t be Christian…just in case. Life is a bit more complicated than that.

No, I’m Not a Man

“Women can’t be funny.”

This is a statement I hear a lot. I’m not sure where it came from, but the earliest instance I know of occurs in a 1695 article written by William Congreve, which states;

“I must confess I have never made an observation of what I apprehend to be true humor in women. Perhaps passions are too powerful in that sex to let humor have its course; or maybe by reason of their natural coldness, humor cannot exert itself to that extravagant degree, which is does in the male sex.”

Now look, based on my review of William Congreve’s body of work, I could make my own assertion and create an article called “People Named William Can’t be Funny” …but I’m not the kind of girl to generalize.

I bring this up tonight because I got yet another email from yet another disgruntled commentator, who is firm in his assertion that Essa Alroc is, in fact, a man. Following his email, I immediately raced to my bathroom, yanked down my pants, and was relieved to find that my vagina was just where I left it.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Just because I’m funny doesn’t mean I have a dick. I assure you all, I really am the smoking hot blonde, with the tiny white dog, in the picture slightly to the right. I don’t avoid posting pictures of myself on this page because I’m trying to hide my Adam’s Apple. I avoid posting them because in every picture, I look exactly like this;

blog pic


What can I say? I’m not photogenic and something about someone pulling out a camera makes me want to sneeze and fart simultaneously.

I’ve been told my tone is masculine, my subjects are masculine and even, from one flaky ‘chakra counselor’ (how the fuck is that a job title?) that my aura is masculine. I don’t think that’s the case. I think it’s simply the fact that people aren’t yet used to my awesome style.

Look, I’m not one to jump on the feminist bandwagon, but the fact is until very recently, the female gender has been repressed. Our main goal in life wasn’t to impress society. It was to impress a man. Rule of thumb when impressing a man?

YOU don’t try to be funny. You make HIM feel like HE’S funny.

Women having goals outside of marriage and children is a relatively recent occurrence. It wasn’t until the sexual liberation of the 60s that we were even allowed to fuck who we wanted without being ostracized. Even then, our freedom became all about our sexuality. When it came to freedom of opinions, we were nothing more than a bunch of angry dykes who couldn’t get men.

I got lucky. I was born at the tail end of that repression. From early childhood, it was ingrained in me that it’s far more important to be an interesting person than it is to be wife material. I thank having very liberal parents for that. Being wife material is kind of my idea of hell.

To me, wife material = boring as fuck

Yes, I’m a mother. But this isn’t a ‘mom blog’ because I’m defined by more than the ability to shove something the same size and weight as a bowling ball out of my vagina…though I will admit it’s a impressive feat. I don’t make this blog about dating because I don’t date. I haven’t in years. As a single woman with horrible taste in men, I would consider it the absolute height of irresponsibility to bring some man I’ve only known for a few weeks around my child and introduce him as his new daddy.  Not to mention, I’m pretty sure my kid would shank him.

He has a bit of an Oedipus complex that I’m sincerely hoping he’ll grow out of.

So no, I don’t stick to ‘female friendly’ topics. This blog isn’t about me dating or me being a mom or about me empowering women. The phrase ‘women’s empowerment’ genuinely makes me throw up a little. This site is here so I can vent about the shit everyone else does to piss me off.  The object of my site isn’t to impress anyone. It’s to piss you off, and maybe make you laugh a little.

I’m not a man. I’m not even androgynous. I’m very clearly a woman. I have the tits to prove it and they are fucking fantastic. But this blog isn’t about my fantastic tits (though they are so fantastic, they deserve their own blog). This blog is about my opinions on everything, hence the name “Essa on Everything.”

I’m not a man writing as a woman, or even a woman writing as a woman. I’m a person who writes the things most people are thinking in their heads anyway. If you’re a regular reader, go ahead and count the times that you’ve nodded in agreement over something I’ve said on here. That didn’t happen because I’m a chick. It happened because I’m a smart person who has no fear of hatemail.

The fact is I say what PEOPLE are thinking. I’m able to let the facts of a certain situation swirl around in my head for a bit, before I give a concise, intelligent, and oftentimes hilarious opinion.

I don’t need a pair of testicles to do it. So no people, I’m not a man. I’m just a girl who is a lot smarter than you. It happens and it happens a lot more than you might think.

Deal with it.


Tis the Season to do the Same Thing as Last Year – Essa’s Christmas Predictions

The splatter of shopper blood in parking lots everywhere makes it official; the Christmas season has begun.

Every year, I promise myself I’m going to do it differently. I’m not going to procrastinate. I’m going to get everything done early and have a good old fashioned, balmy 80 degree Christmas.

This year, I give up. I’m not changing any bad habits. I am going to sit on my ass and let history repeat itself. So here are my predictions for the 2014 Christmas season.

I will consistently bitch about the radio stations that switch to playing nothing but Christmas songs this time of year.

One or two Christmas songs is all right, but I don’t need 40 different renditions of Jingle Bells. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to rock out to Jingle Bells? But that isn’t the main reason I hate this practice.

The main reason I hate it is between all the shitty Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeers and Frosty the Snowmans, these stations never play the ONE Christmas song worth listening to.

That would be “Father Christmas” by the Kinks. I now invite you to listen to it 10 times in a row, like I always do this time of year.

I will take on way too many clients and wind up working until Midnight on Christmas Eve.

This time of year, old clients start popping out of the woodwork for one simple reason; they want Christmas off. Due to my utter lack of time management and inability to turn down a job, I can pretty much guarantee while you’re all drinking eggnog and watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”, I’ll be staring at my computer screen and swearing, while I gently remind a client based in India that December 24 is a major holiday in the US.

Due to lack of aforementioned time management skills, I will do all of my Christmas shopping at 6 pm on Christmas Eve.

On Christmas Eve, I will take a short break from my 18 hour workday in order to race to Target and buy anything that is still available. Paper towels? Mom would love those. Lunch meat? Didn’t my brother say he was on the Atkins diet? Then, I will phone it in by buying a bunch of gift cards. Everyone loves gift cards.

Thank god for gift cards.

I will use Christmas Day as an excuse to begin drinking at 9 am.

Most people suffer from ‘after Christmas letdown.’ I suffer from “After Christmas – World’s Worst Hangover – Please Kill Me” letdown. December 26 always involves me lying on the couch, binge watching a comfort show (current fav Law and Order: Criminal Intent) as I try not to vomit and lie about ‘never drinking again’.

I will cry at the end of Scrooged

Scrooged is probably the best Christmas movie ever made and I watch it every year. And every year, I cry like a pussy when the little black kid says “god bless us, every one.” This year, I will not even attempt to fight the tears as I watch Bill Murray turn into a better person. I’ll just suck it up and admit Scrooged is a fucking sweet movie.

I will get drunk and post the “Year End Review” blog.

Every year, I feel like a sentimental idiot for posting it, but every year I do it anyway. This is the blog where I go over all the embarrassing shit I’ve done, tell off a few notable hate mailers, and talk about how the next year is going to be the best year ever.

While that last sentence always makes me feel like a sap, it is always true. Now that I found my calling, I can pretty much guarantee that every year of my life will be better than the one before it.

At least until I die of that inevitable drug overdose.

This year, I will not change a thing about the way I react to the Christmas season. I won’t be nicer to people and I won’t make any effort to be a better person. But you do have to give me points for at least being consistent.

How to Talk to Kirk Cameron

I know Kirk Cameron is busy this time of year. After all, he has to save Christmas from all the cross burning Christmas haters who want to wish you a “Happy Holiday” and remind women that their place is in the home (singing shitty Christmas carols and making cookies that look way better than they taste), all while glossing over the fact that many of our traditions come from pre-Christian pagan celebrations of the winter solstice and not everything is about Jesus

Sorry, off track. What I’m trying to say is that even though Kirk Cameron is busy as hell this time of year, he still took time to create a video on his show “Way of the Master” (otherwise known as “Kirk Cameron Can’t Stop Thinking About Gay Sex”). This video explains to all of us how we can talk to gay people about their sinful ways. Then, we can get them on the righteous path to denying an integral part of their personalities so the invisible sky daddy won’t get mad and stop granting their wishes.

I don’t know much about Christianity, but I think I nailed it in a nutshell.

Anyway, with so much on his plate, I decided to jump in and help him out. Maybe you’re Kirk Cameron. Maybe you know Kirk Cameron. Maybe you’re thinking of becoming Kirk Cameron…because it’s totally a choice. Regardless of what it is, today I’m going to teach you how to talk to Kirk Cameron.

The first thing to remember is Kirk Cameron is just like us…only inherently evil and probably going to hell. That’s why when you talk to Kirk Cameron, you should remind him as often as possible that while you love him, he’s going to suffer in the fire pits of torment for all eternity, simply for being Kirk Cameron.

Yes, it’s incredibly unfair that he’s going to hell simply for being born Kirk Cameron, but we all have crosses to bear. For example, I occasionally have a bad hair day. Why did god choose to torment Kirk Cameron so much more than me? I don’t have a good answer, so here is a picture of what I imagine all of Kirk Cameron’s family gatherings to look like, based on my extremely limited understanding of Kirk Cameron.


Ok, this is actually a still from the movie “Outlaw Prophet” based on the life of Warren Jeffs.


Why is being Kirk Cameron bad? Simple. Based on this chart I created, it’s clearly obvious that all forms of douchebaggery are related, regardless of the level.  Watch as I prove it with shitty graphics.

douchebag tree

Now, I know you’re thinking “wait, isn’t douchebaggery something that can be subjective based on your own cultural background, family values and what version (of the 500 available versions) of the douchebag bible you’re reading? Maybe some cultures don’t believe being Kirk Cameron is wrong at all.”

Well, I don’t have a good answer for that, so I’m simply going to say, I love you, but you’re a heathen and you’re probably going to hell. The best way to show someone you love them is to sentence them to eternal damnation for disagreeing with you.

Just remember, regardless of how you feel about Kirk Cameron…know that Mike Seaver would fucking hate that guy.


I’m Starting to Wonder if There’s Anyone Bill Cosby Hasn’t Raped

Yeah, that title will probably get people sending hate comments without reading everything else I’m going to write, but I’m leaving it.

In case you’re part of my massive Amish following and don’t have access to the internet, let me recap what’s going on.

This is Bill Cosby.



He is an American comic who is best known for his roll as Dr. Cliff Huxtable on the Cosby Show. At one time, he was the highest paid actor on American television.  The next few facts are pertinent to the story that follows.

  • A well known comedian made a joke about Bill Cosby being a serial rapist
  • A few previously reported (but never prosecuted) sexual assault allegations resurfaced
  • New allegations began surfacing, though every one was well past the SOL
  • Enter the viral lynch mob

Look, I’m not saying I know the truth. Whether people are exaggerating or whether Bill Cosby deserved the number one spot on the sex offender’s registry, there is one simple problem with all of these stories.

That simple problem is that the American people adopted a well known maxim, and based our entire legal system on in. I’ll put it down in the original Latin, from chapter 4 of my old criminal law textbooks

cum per rerum naturam factum negantis probatio nulla sit

For those of us who don’t speak a thousand year old dead language, I slapped that into Google translate and this is what I got back

The proof lies upon him who affirms, not upon him who denies

Or to shorten it for all you die hard Law and Order fans…innocent until proven guilty. Look, even though that maxim sometimes allows bad people to go free, I stand behind it. I stand behind it because of this.

As a logical thinker, I know it’s virtually impossible to prove a negative. For example, I can’t prove that I’m NOT a terrorist. I could point out that I’m an American born girl who holds no extremist beliefs. I could point out that I have no affiliation with any known terrorists. I could point out that my knowledge on how to make both a pipe bomb and mustard gas results from research for my novels and I never intend to use any of this knowledge to hurt anyone.

In a country where ‘guilty until proven innocent’ prevails, that last sentence alone would be enough to convict me. After all, I can’t prove I’m NOT a terrorist, so I must be one. Otherwise, why would I need to know how to make a pipe bomb or mustard gas?

I don’t want to live in a place where logic like that is considered valid.

Right now, Bill Cosby is in the same situation. He can’t prove that he’s not a rapist…so he must be. Other than testimonial evidence, there is nothing. There is no physical evidence, no hospital reports, no lab collections, no security cameras, no eye witness testimony, nothing except for the first person reports of various women who waited more than 30 years to report a crime had taken place.

The women who are coming forward now are not going to fix anything. It’s way too late to have the man charged for these alleged crimes and it’s way too late to provide any real proof. Many of them are coming forward now, saying “I was too scared in the 1960’s, 1970s, 1980s, to come forward. Bill Cosby was a powerful man!”

Actually, he was a popular comic in the 60s and 70s, but he was by no means powerful. Let’s be honest, he was a black man in the United States during a time when people still used words like ‘colored’ and thought movies made in black face qualified as art.

Hell, when Kobe Bryant was accused of rape in the early 2000s people were damn quick to start organizing protests and demands for his arrest despite extremely limited evidence. Are you trying to tell me that people were actually more tolerant of the alleged illegal actions of a black man two decades earlier, when they had the nuts to put out movies like “Soul Man”?


Let’s admit that our country has a history of separating ‘the power of a black man” from “the power of a man.” Whether innocent or guilty, if a woman had accused Bill Cosby of rape and taken him to court, he would have been destroyed by the media, simply based on the color of his skin alone, in the 1980s.

So don’t use the excuse “but he was so powerful!”He was not a Bill Cheney, who could shoot a friend in the face, and then write it off as a hilarious drunk hunting story.

I know I sound aggressive and angry, and in a way I am. I’m angry because these women are turning real issues into an SNL punchline, while they do nothing for real victims, who had the real courage to stand up and face their real attackers when they could actually do something about it.

In the decades after their alleged attacks, didn’t they think, just once, that Mr. Cosby would be likely to do something like this again? Didn’t they think that maybe if they came forward sooner, when such a crime was still criminally prosecutable, even if they had lost, their case might have acted as a deterrent? They might have prevented Bill Cosby from allegedly victimizing another person.

Instead, they waited until it was far too late to do anything about it, far too late to prove their cases and far too late to stop it from happening again. Bill Cosby is 77-years-old for god’s sake and he hasn’t done anything notable since “Kids Say the Darndest Things.” He no longer has the power or the influence he once did. He no longer has the ability to victimize someone that he once did.

What the hell is the point now? If it’s closure, it’s a shitty, and ultimately selfish, goal.

Here’s my problem with our American rape culture; sometimes, men are innocent. Sometimes, a woman reports a rape, despite the fact that a rape never happened. And suddenly, our justice system turns from innocent until proven guilty to guilty until proven innocent.

Once a man is painted with the rapist brush, even if he is exonerated, he can never really clear his name. He might escape with no prison time, but he’ll always be dirty in the eyes of the public. “Sex offender” is a worse label than “murderer” in this country, even if you were never actually convicted.

If I had my choice, I’d rather be a convicted murderer than an accused rapist. The public would be more forgiving.

So yes, I will probably be accused of victim blaming, but I’m going to say it. I don’t think it’s brave to come forward 40 years after your alleged assault. I find it suspect and I think it’s an insult to real survivors, who did the right thing and bravely reported their assaults to the police, before facing their accusers in court and making them pay, criminally (not with a hefty monetary settlement) for what they did.

Reporting decades late, taking money from your alleged attacker, that does not make you look good. It does not make you look credible. It makes you look like an opportunist and it casts shades of doubt on every single woman after you who is really victimized.

If Bill Cosby really is a rapist, if he has recent victims who have actual physical evidence of their assaults, your 40 year old testimony is not going to help them. Instead, it’s going to make real victims look like women who just jumped on the “Bill Cosby raped me” bandwagon. You’re not helping anyone.

Both sides of the story always deserve to be told, but they need to be told on a timely basis. Witnesses die, memories change and old events become fuzzy. These women who are accusing Bill Cosby of rape 40 years after it happened aren’t helping anyone. Instead, they could possibly be smearing an innocent man’s reputation or a current victim’s case. We don’t know, but we continue to attack.

I’m a logical person. I like facts. The facts are this. There are none. We have no unbiased testimony. Instead, we have reports from women who may or may not be lying. We have reports of Bill Cosby settling cases for money. Let’s be honest. If I was a famous, family oriented man, and a woman accused me of sexually assaulting her, I’d probably pay just to keep my reputation intact. A criminal sexual assault case, no matter how unfounded, would have destroyed his career. I give a shit how powerful he is. We’ve seen far more powerful people be brought down by much less.

Monetary settlement is not admission of guilt. In fact, when I was an insurance litigator, we used to settle stuff for ‘nuisance value’, even when we knew the claim was bullshit, because it just wasn’t worth going to court.

On the flipside, if I was a woman who’d been sexually assaulted, there is absolutely no amount of money you could pay to shut me up.

To me, the evidence that is there is not enough. That means the Bill Cosby is innocent until proven guilty. The testimony of women who might have ulterior motives, who offer no physical evidence, is not enough for me.  So no, I won’t villanize Bill Cosby and I won’t jump on the hate bandwagon just because some women are choosing to bring their cases to the media. In the media, the rules of court don’t apply. There is no jury and plenty of people are ready to accuse people of ‘perpetrating a rape culture’ just for disagreeing with them.

I like our legal system the way it is. I like the fact that I don’t have to prove I’m NOT something based on flimsy and circumstantial evidence, presented by people who might have a vested interest in my conviction. So you want me to jump on the Bill Cosby hating bandwagon, I ask only one thing.

Prove your case rather than trying someone in the media and expecting the opinions of 1,000,000 people who don’t know all the facts to argue it for you.  Accept the fact that this is an innocent until proven guilty society. So report the crime when it happens, accept the backlash and keep the real perpetrators from victimizing someone again.

Rape isn’t a platform. It’s a crime. But reporting a rape that didn’t really happen in order to get attention and smear someone’s name is also a crime. It’s called fraud and it ruins just as many lives as rape. Just ask Bernie Madoff.

If you didn’t have enough faith in the intelligence of the American people 40 years ago, when you might have actually had some evidence to support your story, how can you really expect us to side with you now?

I won’t believe you because you’re a man. I won’t believe you because you’re a woman. I’ll believe you when you present some facts. That is the basis of our legal system and I stand behind that. It’s part of being a logical American.

I’ll Admit it…I Have No Intention of Voting Today

This morning, I woke up to a ton of helpful reminders to vote today.  My only answer could be ‘no.’

I’d like to say I have some deep political reason for failing to vote. I’d like to say I’m protesting a corrupt system, unfair campaign practices and voter misinformation.

In reality, I’m not voting because of Primetime television.

Every show I see about politics or Washington has the same theme. Backbiting politicians buying votes with the money they get from whatever lobbyists are financing their careers. I mean, what the hell is the point of voting when Olivia Pope can just rig the machines and then blow up an office building full of people to cover up the crime?


I really need to stop watching so much TV.

Here in Florida, the race for Governor is taking center stage, with Charlie Crist and Rick Scott leading the way. For the past few months, I’ve been barraged with media messages telling me how evil they both are. If I vote for Charlie Crist, he’ll take away my job. If I vote for Rick Scott, he’ll burn down a college while eating a live puppy.

I have no opinion on either candidate, except to say that Charlie Crist looks exactly like a photo negative. What’s up with that?

Charlie Crist, the only man on the planet who looks relatively normal when you hit “invert image colors” in Photoshop.

Charlie Crist, the only man on the planet who looks relatively normal when you hit “invert image colors” in Photoshop.


I am plagued by equal parts apathy and cynicism. Whenever I’m forced to leave the house, I have to ask myself “is this worth putting on my shoes for?” Fritos and beer gets put firmly in the yes column, while midterm elections sit strictly in the ‘no’. Unless, of course, they’re giving away Fritos and beer.

My natural Gen-X apathy makes it impossible to make a decision unless there is some kind of immediate benefit to me. What can I say? My generation is inherently selfish.

On top of that, after watching about $100 million worth of ads with nothing but mud slinging and exaggeration, I don’t count on either candidate to tell me the truth. Look, I know the governor is an important guy, but I highly doubt he’s directly responsible for hundreds of thousands of people losing their jobs. Tax breaks and big business incentives only take us so far. After twenty years of surplus, we’re in a recession. It happens and I don’t think the big issues can be blamed on one dude.

There’s even a pretty big issue on the ballot today. It’s Florida’s initiative for medical marijuana. Amendment 2, for all you actual voters out there.  Some believe that it could even sway the election by getting supporters of legalized marijuana to the polling place.

They didn’t consider the Catch 22. The fact is, you’re counting on pot smokers to actually DO something. Have you ever been into a polling place while high? It’s scary as hell. There’s cops EVERYWHERE.

I mean, it’s not like I’m going to quit smoking pot if it stays illegal. Hell, even if they make it legal, I still won’t leave the house to get the prescription. Unless someone opens a dispensary in my living room, I’ll stick to shady midnight drug deals, thank you very much. Less paperwork.

Yes, I am fully aware that I’m part of the problem. I should be more grateful for living in a democratic society, where every voice is heard. The problem with every voice is that once everyone starts yelling, it all turns into a giant jumbled mess where you can’t decipher any one voice from another.

Am I doing anything worse than one of those people who show up to vote, after learning no information about the candidates or policies? You know the kind of people who vote for the handsomest candidate, or the one with the funniest name? There was a reason the Dick Swett kept getting elected in New Hampshire, and it wasn’t his politics.

If anything, I’m doing all you actual voters a favor. By keeping my completely uninformed opinion to myself, I’m making your vote matter more. I’m thinning out the pool.

You’re welcome, America.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,523 other followers