Classifying Asshole Neighbors

About 40% of the people in the US live in apartments. I am one of those apartment dwellers. Through the years, I have lived in about 10 different apartments in different cities, with different socioeconomic backgrounds and different amenities. But there is one thing I have noticed that is common in all of them.

Asshole neighbors.

In order to help classify them, I’ve created this handy list of definitions, laying out their specific genus and species. You’re welcome.

Shrill Teenagers

Shrill Teenagers can be spotted at around 3 am, usually directly underneath your bedroom window. They can be identified by the unique noise they emit. It is a combination of text speak and all caps.

OMG, DID YOU SEE TOMMY! I WAS TOTES ROFL AND LMFAO!! DO YOU THINK HE SAW ME! I HATE HIM SO MUCH. THAT’S WHY I TALK ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME!!!

The following statement will be followed by shrill (hence the name) giggles that will cut into your very soul.

The Angry Elderly

This type of neighbor isn’t so much of an asshole as they are a pain in the ass. They can be spotted by the sound of a broomstick banging on your bedroom floor from below, because you are being too loud. You are being too loud despite wearing slippers stuffed with feathers on a carpeted floor while tiptoeing.

These types are very skittish about noise and much like squirrels, can be found in droves in the early morning, but disappear come about 5 pm. They are ritualistic and must return home every evening in time for viewings of Wheel of Fortune followed by Jeopardy.

Dysfunctional Duos

Dysfunctional Duos have a special place in my heart, because I was once part of a dysfunctional duo. (Side note: if you don’t know who the crazy neighbor is, you are the crazy neighbor). Keep in mind that these types do not have to be boy/girl pairings. In fact, they are most often seen when you pair two females together. Much like Japanese fighting fish, it will only be a matter of time before one rips the others fins off.

These Dysfunctional Duos will have long periods of dormancy, where they are perfectly happy together.  Then, they will display the warning signs of an impending attack. This starts by drinking large of amounts of alcohol and displaying ‘crazy eyes’, followed by loudly asking “Seriously?” in response to an argument. The argument will end with a minimum of a physical assault, or a maximum of a night in jail.

Foreclosed Trailer Dwellers

Foreclosed trailer dwellers are just what they sound like (yes, I am fully aware you can’t foreclose on a trailer). They are rednecks who move in with 16 broken down cars, an RV, and 75 of their closest relatives. They are easily spotted by the cars they drive, none of which will be made later than 1994. The cars might be held together with glue, random scraps of wood, and coat hangers. They will all have tinted windows.

These apartment rednecks will be extremely loud, drink large quantities of cheep beer and spend a significant amount of time screaming at the television, when they aren’t pounding on each other. Aside from Dysfunctional Duos, Foreclosed Trailer Dwellers get the most amount of police visits.

Criminally Insane

Whether they’re setting up a meth lab or walking around the neighborhood in nothing but a baseball hat and a smile, there is always one. Weirdly, they can often be the hardest to find. See, you won’t know about the criminally insane until the police are pulling up to dig some dead hookers out of your neighbor’s garden.

These people might appear to be perfectly normal. Then, one day they will snap. They are the people that interviewees on the news are talking about when they say ‘but he was such a nice guy…’ You might think you don’t have any in your neighborhood. But rest assured, there is always one.


Hey Target, I Have Some Ideas for Your Bags

Let me start this off by saying I love Target. I love their clean floors and bathrooms, their sales associates that are actually polite and pleasant and the fact that you can get a cart through their isles without running into piles and piles of impulse buys.

Another thing I like about Target is they are socially conscious. I noticed that today as I was examining my Target bag and saw a helpful listing of ways to ‘recycle’ the bag and save the planet.

Target bag

Now, I’m all for saving the planet, but I have to say Target, your ideas are a little vanilla. I mean, ‘reuse it as a lunch bag?” Come on, only the poor kids bring their lunches to school in grocery bags.

So, because I love you so very much Target, I came up with a few more…less suckish ideas for how to reuse your bag.

The Target Blanket Party

Got a bunk mate in the military who just isn’t pulling his weight and keeps getting your whole platoon in trouble? Don’t stretch out your socks filling them with bars of soap and quarters for that midnight sneak attack. Use a Target bag! It even has that handy handle for extra swing, ensuring accuracy when you’re swinging that homemade weapon at your lazy battle buddies testicles.

As an added bonus, that subpar soldier will flinch whenever he hears the crinkle of plastic for the rest of his life.

Autoerotic Asphyxiation

Did you know that 1000 people a year die during autoerotic asphyxiation incidents? Don’t make your family a statistic, by being yet another corpse found dressed in lace panties, hanging from a noose of silk stockings while clenching your rigor mortis stiff penis. Instead, use a Target bag to gently smother yourself while you masturbate! It has less risk than a homemade noose of woman’s lingerie, because if you pass out, the bag will loosen and allow you to start breathing normally again. Safety first perverts. Safety first. 

The Garbage Buffer

Are you tired of your garbage man judging you because your garbage is 98% beer bottles and 2% feminine hygiene products? Shoving some additional Target bags in your garbage will make it look like you do more with your time than drink and insert tampons. Because god forbid an 11th grade drop out garbage man thinks you’re an alcoholic with an exceptionally heavy menstrual flow.

The Shitty Filmmaker

Are you tired of no one thinking you’re deep, no matter how many videos you post of yourself on YouTube talking about your feelings? Get yourself a camera, a Target bag and a windy day. Film it for a few minutes and tell everyone how ‘it’s the most beautiful thing’ you’ve ever seen.

Your friends are sure realize how deep and profound you are then.

The Paint Huffer

Are you sick of wasting valuable paint fumes with those ridiculously porous paper bags? Get with the new millennium and start using plastic instead! As an added bonus, if you buy your huffing paint at Target, you have a fully ready paint huffing kit.

Target, because I love you, you can use all of those ideas free of charge. You don’t even have to credit me with them. I really just want to see the look on some trophy wife’s face when her Target bag tells her “this bag is certified for safe use by the autoerotic asphyxiation society.”


No, You Don’t Need Magnum Condoms

The last time I had sex, back in the day where we would work ourselves up into a lather during a dinosaur back joust, and foreplay consisted of pulling each others powdered wigs off, I noticed a common phenomenon.

Every dude on the planet seems to think he needs Magnum condoms.

t_magnum_l_12box2

The average length of the adult male penis, while fully erect, is approximately 5.5 inches. I’ll be honest and say that is more than enough for me. The only time penis size would seem to be a problem is when someone is hung like a Tic Tac. For the most part, as long as you actually have a penis and you’re not pulling some kind of weird “Boys Don’t Cry” thing, I’m satisfied. I’ve never been with a guy who I felt would benefit from penis enhancement.

Though I’ve known a few who should have considered a reduction.

But I’ve noticed a common trend. Dudes who have no need for Magnum sized condoms carrying around Magnum sized condoms. It serves no purpose. It’s like a chick with a B cup buying double D bras to make herself feel better about her small tits.

You know what specs the Magnum condom was designed for? A minimum of 8 inches while fully erect. Here’s the deal; if you’re 8 inches while fully erect, you don’t need a condom, because there is no way in hell that I’m letting you touch me with that thing. Go find yourself a 50 year old porn star with a cavern of a vagina. I’m a little bit more compact than that.

But when you’re getting on top of me, getting ready to do the deed, and you give me a sly smile while pulling out a Magnum condom to fit your fully average penis, know this. Not only do you look like a moron with low self esteem, you are also putting us both at risk. Wearing an ill fitting condom can lead to spillage, which leads to STDs or accidental pregnancy.

And I’m not willing to risk my health in order to give you a self esteem boost.

So boys, be honest when you head to the drug store. Stop slapping down that economy box of Magnum condoms that you really don’t need and get yourself regular ones that actually fit. It might be a cliché, but it’s true; size really doesn’t matter.

Unless you’re Asian. Then you might want to consider the slim fits…just saying.

 

 


Watching the Oscars Does Not Make You a Film Critic – The Ethical Side of Movie Reviewing

I saw a news article today that disturbed me. In summation, at least two of the judges for the Oscars voted for 12 Years a Slave without even watching it.

Am I saying 12 Years a Slave wasn’t a good movie? Hell no, in my opinion, it actually deserved to win. Of course, my opinion is more valid than those Oscar voters because I actually watched the fucking thing and developed an opinion.

best picture

What I’m saying is that to review a movie, call a movie good, and actually vote for the movie to win an award you should actually watch the damn thing.

I guess the reviewers decided not to view it, thinking that it might be a bit too violent for them. Here’s the deal, if you can’t handle violence, then you shouldn’t be reviewing movies in the first place. Movies should be reviewed based on an unbiased appraisal, regardless of their genre.

As one of the many hats I wear, I review films. In the past year or so, I’ve written 75 in depth reviews of various films, based on the actual merit of the movie.

I’m an action/documentary/comedy lover. Those are my preferred genres that I watch for my own entertainment. However, I don’t get to pick the movies I review. I might review a subtitled foreign film, an incredibly gory horror, or god fucking forbid, a romantic comedy.

Regardless of what genre I’m watching, I appraise five different points of the movie; plot, casting, effects, direction and musical score. I watch the movie, develop an opinion in all five areas, and then offer a review.

Here’s what I don’t do; I don’t give movies in genres I don’t like poor scores just because I don’t like the genre. On the flip side, not every action movie I watch gets a five out of five. Each film is reviewed based on its own merit, regardless of whether I would watch it for my own entertainment.

If I, as an incredibly low ranking movie reviewer, can do that, why the hell can’t someone who is responsible for awarding the biggest award in film do that?

Spewing out the same damn opinion as everyone else does not make you a film critic. Voting for 12 Years a Slave for best picture because you think it’s a ‘socially conscious’ move, does not make you a film critic. It just makes you a politically correct douchebag.

I work hard on my reviews, because I think that a valid, educated opinion matters. When I learn that someone has been given the incredible honor of having a voting share in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, and then uses that power with the same enthusiasm as a bored tween being pressured to vote for the next American Idol, it makes me a little bit sick.  

I used to have a little bit of faith in the Oscars. I mean, it’s not the fucking Golden Globes, where you just buy your award. At the Oscars, you are supposed to earn your award. Nobody is earning an award when people toss out their votes because a hard hitting movie offends their delicate sensibilities. The Oscars aren’t about liberal guilt. They are about giving awards when people make good movies.

I’m very glad that 12 Years a Slave won, and not because I thinks it’s socially conscious, or even because  Chiwetel Ejiofor played “The Operative” in Serenity. It was just a good movie. I said so months ago, when I actually watched it the week it came out. Watch me quote myself like a douchebag;

If (Chiwetel Ejiofor) doesn’t get nominated for an Oscar for his performance, I can only assume someone in the nominations office has brain damage.

Yeah bitches, I called that shit months ago, before that Best Actor Oscar was even a twinkle in Matthew McConaughey’s eye (can’t argue that. Dallas Buyers Club was fantastic as well). You know how I created that amazing magic trick, to be able to predict who would be nominated and who was worthy of an award?

I actually watched the god damn movie and formulated an opinion based on Ejiofor’s performance…DESPITE the fact that this is a genre (drama) that I don’t usually watch. I didn’t flinch away because I was sure the movie would be violent and depressing. I watched it because it is my fucking job to watch the movies assigned to me and formulate real opinions on them.

To the reviewers who handed over the Oscar without watching the movie, shame on you. If you couldn’t handle reviewing the possible candidates, it was not your place to phone in your votes. It was your place to recuse yourself from the decision and pass it off to someone who could friggen handle it.

If you want to read a real review from someone who actually watched the film, you can find my review of 12 Years a Slave here. In addition, if you want a review from someone who actually pays attention to the movies she is reviewing, feel free to check out my reviews here.

 

  

 


Essa’s Adventures – The Molting Period

I arrive at the salon and Gina, the girl who does my hair, looks at me with fear in her eyes. “What the hell did you do?”

I reach a hand up to touch the tangled birds’ nest that is my hair. “Mostly just neglect, but I’ve also been using it for storage.”

“Storage?”

I push past her to the salon chair. “You’ll see.”

My hair can’t be washed because it’s tangled. Gina starts to brush it out and lets out a laugh. “You have like 8 ponytail holders back here.”

“My hair eats them.” I take the elastic bands, one by one, as she goes through the process of digging them out.

“And I just found a pen.” She passes it to me.

“Starting to get what I mean by ‘storage’?”

“Is this a roach clip?”

“Yeah, there should be half a dube in there to go with it.”

She passes it to me. “How does your hair get like this?”

“I blame an albino parakeet named Sheila.” I meet her perplexed look in the mirror. “When I was a kid, my mom got me this bird, Sheila.”

Gina pulls out a comb. “What does a bird with a stripper’s name have to do with your hair?”

“I’ll get there.” I flinch as Gina starts working on a knot the size of a baseball. “Sheila was an albino parakeet. She was really pretty. Pink eyes, beautiful white feathers. She was always preening,” another wince as Gina works out the knot. “You know, that shit that that all birds do with their feathers, where they rotate their head like 180 degrees. Creepy as fuck…”

“Focus.” Gina is used to my rambling.

“Anywho, for 9 months out of the year, Sheila was beautiful. Then, every January, she’d start to molt. Because she was white, you could see the skin underneath her feathers. She was real ugly then.” I squint as I try to describe it. “You know that retarded vulture from Looney Tunes?”

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“I think he was a buzzard.”

“Whatever,” I continue on, “by the end of her molting period, she looked a lot like that. But for the entire molting period, she never preened. Not once. She just sat there, eating her bird food, watching TV with me, looking content. It was like she knew that she looked terrible, couldn’t help it, and just decided to roll with it. Honestly, after all her regular preening, I think she just liked having the time off.” I shrug. “And I thought, ‘if a bird can do that, why not me?’”

Gina looks confused. “Why not what?”

“Why not molt!” Gina has brushed out most of my hair and I’m starting to look human again. “Why not take a few months out of every year, to look like shit, and not care about it? I’ve been doing it for a while and it has a ton of benefits.”

“Like what?” Gina squirts me with a spray bottle.

“The comparison alone is worth it.” I look down as Gina starts to trim off my ends. “You ever have a friend, who always looks perfect?”

“I am a hairdresser.”

“Good point. Anyway, that friend who always looks perfect gets a cold, stays out late, whatever. The point is the next day, she looks like shit. Everyone she knows points it out to her. ‘Hey, you ok? You aren’t looking so good’ or ‘what’s wrong? You look terrible.’ It’s like everyone in the world feels justified in telling her how ugly she is.”

Gina turns my chair sideways. “I’m following.”

“Ok, now flip it. Think about a friend who doesn’t make much of an appearance effort, and then have her get dressed up for just one day.That day, it’s like she’s the most beautiful girl in the world. All she hears all day, is ‘wow, you look amazing. Have you been working out?’” 

Gina spins me around as I finish off my theory. “When you really think about it, the girl who works really hard on her looks doesn’t get any credit for it. But the girl who’s lazy about her looks gets a parade for throwing in a token effort.”

She reaches for the hairdryer. “And this is the reason that I’m pulling pens and roach clips out of your hair every year at this time?”

“Yup, I just ended a molting period.” I smile. “I’m preening.”

“Then you might want to preen that eyebrow, because you only have one right now.”


Your Unflattering Horoscope

I’ll admit it, I read my horoscope. Despite the way some people sneer at them, I think that there is a certain amount of science that goes into astrology. If you really think about it, we are nothing more than cells in a constant state of motion. The positioning of the other planets in our solar system has a direct impact on the gravitational pull of our planet. So who’s to say that those very specific changes in gravitational pull couldn’t have a direct effect on our cells that are already constantly in motion?

I never rule anything out until I see some direct scientific evidence that it isn’t true. That has made me more open minded than an incredibly scientific person, and a shitload smarter than a staunchly religious person. And I think there is something to be said for astrology.

For example, I am a Gemini. One of the things that defines Gemini’s (aside from being incredibly charming and attractive…can’t argue with that) is that fact that we have massively conflicting internal personalities. Our sign is the twins, meaning that we have a habit of being two people in one body. I would generally consider that bullshit, but it fits.

Especially considering my bipolar diagnosis. That is the general reason that on one day, you’re getting jokes about me wandering through a convenience store stoned, and on another, you’re reading a post that sounds suspiciously like my suicide note.  No joke, I mood swing faster than a menopausal woman on steroids.

The problem with horoscopes is that they are too optimistic. They never really point out flaws or warn you of horrible things. Instead, every day is allegedly going to be the best, most productive day of your life. I think if horoscopes threw in a bit more warning, we would all take them a lot more seriously.

So I’ve taken what I know of astrology, and rewritten all of your star signs in a much more realistic way. Enjoy.

 signs_of_zodiac

Aries – March 21st – April 19th           

You are a pain in the ass. For some unknown reason, you always have this ridiculous need to be in charge. You can ruin any event, simply by trying to organize it to death. You are the asshole at the beach party who makes everyone play Frisbee, when we all just want to lay on beach blankets and drink beers.

This week, you will be annoyed at work and become convinced that everyone who works with you is an idiot. You will take on a project that is far too big for you to handle and work an 80 hour week in order to get it done. Then, you will present it proudly to your boss. He will praise you for about 30 orgasmic seconds…and then give the promotion you wanted to his son.

Taurus – April 20th – May 20th

You are a sleazy slime ball of a human being who wants all the rewards with none of the work.  Your ambition far outweighs your intelligence and the only thing you are really good at is manipulating people. Of all people you admire, Bernie Madoff is number 1.

This week, you will get that call from the FCC that you have been dreading. You will hire an equally sleazy attorney, who is also a Taurus, to get you off from all charges. You will learn nothing from your arrest and continue to scam people for the rest of your life until someone shanks you while you’re doing a 60 day stint in jail for a pyramid scheme.

Gemini – May 21st – June 21st

You are a charming borderline sociopath who abuses drugs and alcohol to an extreme. Throughout your life, you will randomly flip out on people and then brush it off while claiming ‘I’m an artist so I’m supposed to be emotional’ without ever producing anything that would remotely qualify as art.

This week, you will drink heavily, get into a fight with a stranger, spend three days in bed considering suicide, and then eventually just drink some more. You will get nothing accomplished and the air you breathe will be wasted.

Cancer – June 22nd – July 22nd

You are an incredibly judgmental asshole. You are terrified of taking risks, so you look down on anyone else who takes risks out of pure jealousy. Most likely, you work in a menial middle management job, where you believe that you are far too good to work, but where you will remain because you don’t have the balls to fight for a better position.

This week, someone will cut you off in traffic. You will flip them off and momentarily be pleased with yourself. Then, you will pull up next to them at a red light and avoid eye contact while you pretend to be checking your phone.

Leo – July 23rd – August 22nd

You are as desperate for attention as a scurvy sailor is desperate for vitamin C. You put lot of focus on your looks and make no effort to develop yourself as a human being. In short, you are an empty package.

This week, you will sleep with someone wealthier than you in an attempt to get yourself a ‘sugar partner.” They will almost immediately realize how shallow you are and write you off as a ‘pump and dump’ instead. You will spend the next few months stalking them on Facebook and complaining to your friends ‘look who s/he is seeing now. I am so much better looking than them.” You will never get that there is more to life than looks and will probably die alone.

Virgo – August 23rd – September 22nd

You have standards so high, you are almost guaranteed to die alone. Your borderline obsessive compulsive disorder makes you a nightmare to live with, so you are a loner. You are also incredibly prudish and consider the act of sex a disgusting exchange of bodily fluids that you refuse to participate in.

You will spend this week continuously cleaning your bathroom floor, as you swear to god you can ‘hear the germs moving around in there.” You will meet your soul mate, and then write them off because their second toe is just a little bit longer than their big toe and that creeps you out.

Libra – September 23rd – October 23rd             

You are the pacifist that gives all pacifists a bad name. You avoid conflict at every given opportunity and are so desperate to see that everyone is happy, that you often write off your own happiness. In short, you suck at life.

This week, you will let at least 10 strangers skip you in line at the grocery store. You will give a cheerful wave to the guy who cut you off in traffic and you will let that friend who never pays you back borrow money…again.

Scorpio – October 24th – November 21st

You are a grumpy motherfucker who is barely tolerable as a human being. You regularly and completely unapologetically use racial slurs and you look forward to the apocalypse, because you hate people and just want all of them to die.

This week, you will write several angry letters to the government that will go unanswered. You will complain about every generation but yours. If you are in Florida, you will probably shoot a black teenager.

Sagittarius – November 22nd – December 21st               

You are obnoxiously optimistic, to the point where you make most of your friends sick. You spout off about things like ‘true love’ and ‘happily ever after’ while completely ignoring every thing that is wrong with the world. You are a child in an adult’s body and may very possibly have Downs Syndrome.

This week, you will knit your cat a sweater while singing a pop song from the latest Disney star. You will be verbally abused by a cashier at a Wendy’s but continue smiling, because all people are deep down good. You will continue thinking that until someone stabs you to death at an ATM, for the $20 you just took out so you could donate to Saint Jude’s Children’s Hospital.

Capricorn – December 22nd – January 19th

You work an 80 hour work week, despite the fact that your boss never notices. As far as you’re concerned, idle hands are the devils playthings and you make a point of being constantly busy. You sleep less than 5 hours a night and feel guilty just for sitting down.

This week, you will develop an adderal habit, after you realize it helps you avoid all those obnoxious ‘sleeping habits.’ You will take on several incredibly large projects at work and will stay up for 130 hours straight to complete them. Eventually, you will snap and beat a hooker to death with your shoe.

Aquarius – January 20th – February 18th

You are a dirty hippie who probably makes their own granola. Most likely, you drive a Prius and expect everyone to congratulate you for that fact. You make a point of reminding everyone that you were against the war in Iraq, despite the fact that you were actually for it at the time.

This week, you will get into a political argument with someone and lose, because all your political information comes from the Daily Show. You will make up for that by supporting any movement that is trendy, and by standing outside of Publix grocery stores, demanding that innocent shoppers sign you petition.

Pisces – February 19th – March 20th

You just want people to love you, which is why you often become the advice giving friend in any relationship. You are incredibly sensitive and cry way more than most people should. People like you, they listen to you, but they don’t respect you.

This week, you will give advice to one of your long time crushes. That long time crush will use that advice to get into a relationship with another person, despite the fact that you desperately hoped it would make them love you. But they don’t; they just want a smoking hot Leo. They will never appreciate you and you will eventually settle for someone much less attractive than you. Together, you will open a marijuana farm in Humboldt County.

 


Life – An Exercise in Futility

The other night was a lot like any night for me. I couldn’t get to sleep. See, I am one of those people who likes to save all my worries for bed time. Most of the time, my worries are simple and stupid, kinda like this. 

Essa lays down in bed. She scratches her boob. “Is this lump on my nipple a pimple? Or is it a cancerous tumor? Holy shit, it’s the beginning of a nipple hair! Fuck, I’m never getting laid again. What dude wants a girl with nipple hair? Sure, I can pluck it, but I’ll always know it was there….”

But the other night, my thoughts turned a lot more serious. Every year of my life has passed faster than the last despite the fact that they all feel the same. I’ve finally reached that age where you actually start to notice your age. I’ve finally reached the point where it feels like the clock is ticking down, rather than ticking up. I’ve finally reached the age where I realize that it ends.

To me, death has always been an abstract matter. Sure it happens to other people. Hell, it happens every single day. But it was never something I considered for myself. Much like the color orange, hip pockets and ruffles, I never thought that death was something that fit me.

But it’s going to happen, either tomorrow when I get run over by a car in the parking lot, or sixty years from now, when I die during a coke fueled orgy with a bunch of man whores.

When I think about dying, I get mad. Why the fuck am I trying so hard? Why do I care about my weight, how much I drink, how much I smoke, what I do for a living? It’s all going to end anyway.  Someday, I am going to disappear from this world like I never existed. That alone is enough to make me wonder why the hell I get out of bed every day.

My recent preoccupation with death drives most of my friends crazy, especially the older ones. “You’re still so young. You have years ahead of you.”

I wonder if John Ritter’s friends said the same thing to him. “Stop thinking about the end, John. You have 50 years left in you easy. ‘8 Simple Rules’ just got picked up for another season….”

And pop went the aneurism.

Life isn’t fair. The fact that death happens at all proves that. You can spend your entire life building something, or you can spend your entire life doing nothing; either way, you wind up the same.

Organic matter.

This is the reason that I have always stayed away from atheism, despite being staunchly anti-religious.  The last thing that I want to consider is that if I die, it’s just all over. I need to know that something more happens. That it doesn’t just all stop. I need to believe that somehow, someway, my end isn’t actually my end, but an entirely new beginning.

Because the sad fact is, if the atheists are right, my life has been an exercise in complete futility. Sure, it was a good way to waste some time, but I’m not that important. If there is no higher purpose, nothing I did ever really mattered.

If the atheists are right, I am the human equivalent of a game of ‘Fruit Ninja’.

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I really don’t want to believe that. I’ll be honest. If I died tonight, the world wouldn’t change that much. Sure, some people would be sad for a bit, but then, I’d turn into a sanctified memory. The people who were reading this post after my death might find me a bit more fascinating because I was dead, but that still wouldn’t make anything I did matter.  

My dog would find someone else to follow around the house. My readers would find another blogger to follow. The books that I wrote would be worth more and someone would hire a ghostwriter to finish off the rest, like what they did with VC Andrews. My death wouldn’t give me permanent fame. I am midlist at best. People don’t remember midlist commercial fiction authors. They remember best sellers. There is really nothing about me that would be that memorable. I am neither a particularly good person, or a particularly bad person. I’m just Essa, living somewhere in the middle. The perpetual fence sitter.

Despite being a significantly better person, I would matter less than Joe Valachi or Jeffrey Dahmer. My name would never be famous or infamous. It would just disappear.

And the fact that the end is as inevitable as a hanging pendulum makes me wonder “should I have been braver?” Have I been ballsy enough? Should I have quit that job sooner? Should I have bitch slapped that girl who cut me in line like I wanted to? Should I have had more kids? Should I have gotten married?

Should I have kept up that old meth habit?

The end is nigh, people. This depressing post isn’t just true for me. It’s true for all of us. Life is nothing more than an exercise in futility. When you’re lying on your death bed, if you failed to say everything you wanted to say or do everything you wanted to do, you will have regrets.

If the atheists are right, then my best possible goal is no regrets. So let me say a few things I have been dying to say, but have avoided saying, simply out of some outdated feeling of decorum;

  • Most of the people I have known who have quit smoking would have been better off sticking to the habit. Seriously, I would have rather you all stayed thin, happy people rather than turned into fat, judgmental bitches.
  • Most men have no idea what they’re doing in bed and I have no idea why you all can’t find the clitoris. It’s a giant pink button in the center of the vagina. It couldn’t be more findable if it had neon arrows pointing at it. The only orgasms I’ve ever had have been 100% relating to something I did. If you’re reading this and you slept with me, know that I was faking it so you would leave me alone and I could go to sleep.
  • On another note, I lose all interest in a man the second I sleep with him. Not sure if it’s due to the lack of orgasms or some deeper psychological issue.
  • Dr. Smith, I lied about how much I drink. When I checked off ‘4 drinks a month’ it should have been ‘4 drinks a day.’
  • If we are friends, know that at one point, I was almost 100% sure that you were retarded due to something you said or did but said nothing out of politeness
  • If you are one of my female friends, know that I am 100% sure you talk about me in an incredibly unflattering way behind my back. Rest assured, I am not offended…because I do the same thing to you. It’s just part of being a girl.
  • Dark haired dude that I used to work with, I’m pretty sure we were soul mates, which is a rare statement for me. Feelings, emotion and the idea that my life could ever potentially be a harlequin novel makes me flinch…which is probably why I was such a cunt to you. It is so much easier to reject someone in advance than wait for them to reject you. It was a bitch move on my part and the biggest regret of my life. Rest assured, you got off easy. I’m a fucking train wreck anyway and you were too good for me.
  • Marijuana made the majority of my life tolerable. Even when you thought I wasn’t stoned…I was.  
  • I am fully aware that I would have made a fantastic lesbian, but I’m not. Aside from the few occasional same sex dalliances, I much prefer the fruit of the banana to the fruit of the fig.

Life is short, life is cruel and life is fleeting. But it is also beautiful. My recent obsession will go away and I will go back to giving you all tips on how to buy weed on the internet, but rest assured, I haven’t forgotten the lesson. Say what you want to say now. Live how you want to live now. If the atheists are right, you don’t get another chance.

And Fruit Ninja is an AWESOME game.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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