God, it’s a bitch to write these things sober. That’s one notable thing I’ve noticed about 2014. I spent a significant amount of it heavily intoxicated. The rest of the time was spent deleting Facebook and Twitter posts made while intoxicated.
Does that mean I’m quitting my drinking and illicit drug use entirely? Fuck no. I’m just cutting back until my ass shrinks down a size or two…same with my liver.
Luckily I do remember enough of the high points of 2014 to review them. So let’s get started.
#1 – I started writing porn
Yeah people, the girl who couldn’t write a sex scene two years ago now makes her living predominantly on books that are nothing more than extended sex scenes. I published my first porn book in 2014, saw 100 sales in a day, and decided to totally sell out.
As a result, my books under the pen name Essa Alroc have fallen by the wayside. So this is my solemn vow. I will publish enough porn this year so that I can go back to writing the books that don’t sell. I actually have two in the works. It’s just, when faced with the option of writing a book that sells, over one that I’m actually proud of, I’ll choose the one that sells every time.
I never denied the fact that I am a complete literary whore. If you’re curious, my porn is under the name Charlene McSuede. Now go look it up and be embarrassed for both of us.
#2 – I went viral
But not in that bad way, like the time I gave everyone at work ringworm. Nope, in the good way where my rantings got shared with a shitload of people, multiple times. I didn’t see an increase in book sales, but I did see an increase in hate mail…which is good, because my hate mail page needed to be updated.
#3 – My overall hate mail went down significantly, while my weird mail went up.
Last year, I was mainly getting messages that told me what a dumb cunt I am. This year, I’m getting messages offering this dumb cunt plane tickets to come visit, promising me money or asking for pictures of my feet.
People, this is not one of those web cam model pages. I don’t want your money (mainly because I am entirely convinced it will be covered in human secretions) but also because I’m not a beggar. I’m doing ok. This is not a Go Fund Me page. I fund myself and I’m good. You want to give to charity, adopt one of those black kids Sally Struthers used to bitch about. You want to do me a solid?
#4 – I made an attempt to home school my kid.
Me and Logan tried it out this year, mainly because of how much I change home bases. It seemed unfair to keep making him move, so I offered homeschooling.
Result? After the first few ‘social studies’ lessons, that mainly involved me getting wasted, showing up in his room at 2 am and spending four hours ranting about the government, Logan said to me, “mom, I think I want to go back to regular school.”
Hey, at least we tried.
All in all, 2014 was a good year. It wasn’t great. It was like one of those filler episodes in a soap opera, where nothing really happens, but they need to advance the plot. That leads me to believe all the crazy shit is going to happen in 2015.
I’m writing my porn with a publisher now and I’m making sales, because let’s be honest, you motherfuckers are perverts. With any luck, I’ll finish my first series, start my second and James Franco will want to make a movie out of it, then get into a huge fight with North Korea, thereby making me go more viral than I already am (and I’m not talking ringworm, people).
I didn’t make the New York Times bestsellers list this year, but I could hardly expect to. I spent it writing spank fodder. With the exception of EL James, spank fodder doesn’t really lend itself to a lot of bookclubs.
But 2015 is going to be a big year for me. I already feel it. Maybe I’ll write some bestselling porn. Maybe it will be one of my real books that actually gets more than 4 sales a month. Either way, I’ll spend 2015 writing and not in a cubicle.
Who could ask for anything more?
I like to consider myself a tolerant person, even though I know, deep down inside, I’m not. I’m a generation Xer, a former military member and a girl who grew up with the threat of Islam leaning over her head. So excuse me very much if I look at you sideways when I see a person in America wearing a head scarf or a woman covering her face. I’m very sorry that my shock offends you, but let’s admit if I showed up in your middle Eastern country with my hair unbound and my face on full display, I’d get a few shocked looks too.
The difference between you and me? No one is tossing you into prison when you come to America with your head scarf on. I doubt I would be given the same courtesy if I was to go to your homeland.
You’re welcome, BTW.
I’m frustrated by something I shouldn’t be frustrated by. I know it’s wrong. I know it’s not tolerant and my liberal guilt just has me stewing in my own angry juices but I’m going to say it anyway. It’s not my job to make sure the country you chose to live in assimilates to you. It’s your job to assimilate to your country.
I’m on this tangent tonight because of the Australian hostage crisis and the whole #illridewithyou liberal guilt parade that followed. Never mind the two people that died because of religious extremism, or the 10 more that were horrified because of the hostage situation in the first place. Apparently us westerners need to still make sure that people of different religious backgrounds feel comfortable around us.
We say “I’ll ride with you” to our Islam counterparts, so they won’t get harassed. Because god forbid someone who just goes about their regular business gets harassed. Like when they go to a coffee shop or something and then get held hostage for two days. Unless they’re white. Apparently then, it’s ‘fuck you white people. Game on.”
Yup, it pissed me off that this person, an Islam terrorist, was able to take a shitload of people hostage and the first response of everyone else? “Well, it doesn’t mean all Muslims are bad. We should have a Twitter campaign to support them.”
Are you assholes fucking serious?
We ignore the real victims and we avoid getting angry because of our liberal white person guilt. If we were truly being ourselves, instead of “#illridewithyou” we’d have “#illkickthenextmuslimextremistiseeinthenutsnoregrets.”
No motherfucking regrets.
That is a campaign I’m ready to see. All this over zealous, liberal guilt, religious reverse discrimination is just about enough. Right now, the bad guys are Muslim. In fact, for the past decade, the bad guys have been Muslim. Just so you know Muslims, I’m suspicious of you and I feel no need to defend you. Deal with it.
“Oh, I had nothing to do with it. I’m a peaceful Muslim.”
Well I’m a peaceful white chick, but I still get blamed for slavery. Despite the fact that my family never owned slaves and that I believe black people deserve the same rights as white, I’m a villain. That all occurs because of an accident of my birth. I didn’t have a choice.
So welcome to the club, motherfuckers. In this country, you get blamed for every single mistake every single one of your predecessors made. It’s up to you to fix it.
You know what I don’t see enough of? These peaceful Muslims stating their extremist counterparts are wrong. I don’t see them getting on the news like Al Sharpton, defending their race. Instead, I see the allegedly peaceful ones expecting others to do it for them.
So no, I’m not ready to make nice. I’m not ready to defend your right to wear headscarves or not touch pork or whatever, because you are not taking the opportunity to defend yourselves.
So yup, when I see a headscarf, a burqa or anything in between, I immediately think “terrorist”. I think so because history has told me to think “terrorist.” You not bothering to defend yourselves gives me no confidence in your position. I think if you had that much faith in your religion, you’d be a bit more outspoken about it.
It’s not up to me to change my view. It’s up to you to change my perception. So get vigilant about it. Take a strong stance against Al-Qaeda, against Isis, against any religious extremist group. Because people are suffering and they are dying because of the religion YOU chose to be a part of. It’s not your fault but it’s part of your community and it’s your responsibility to fix it. Welcome to the club.
Meanwhile, don’t expect me to defend you religion. Defend it yourself. Otherwise, I propose a new hashtag. Its called’ #getyourowndamnride
Either defend the religion you apparently think so highly of, or let it go. But stop expecting others to defend it for you. Because I, for one, am not ready to make nice. I’m still a bit pissed about the whole 9-11 thing.
And maybe, just maybe, its about time we all got fucking good and mad about it, rather than talking about how much we “tolerate it.” Because I’m a bit sick of tolerating fairy tales being used to drive my life or as an excuse to kill my family and my ‘tolerance’ only goes so far.
I get more than a few emails accusing me of hating Christians. I can’t say people don’t have their reasons. In fact, on more than one occasion, I’ve referred to Christianity as “praying to the invisible sky daddy” which is probably offensive in and of itself.
But here’s the deal. I don’t hate Christians. I was raised Catholic and most of my friends self-identify as Christian. There’s nothing wrong with that. In a way, everyone needs there own special thing to feel fulfilled. For Christian people, it might be some way to communicate and find higher meaning in everything that happens every day. It’s their way of making sense of the world. I can respect the need to do that.
Me, I write. That’s my thing. Whenever something bothers me, or doesn’t makes sense to me, I write about it and it makes me feel better. In a way, writing is my religion. I use it to forgive myself for the things I do, justify the things I might do and explain the consequences. To date, I’ve never met a problem that writing couldn’t fix.
I imagine a lot of Christian feel the same way about their religion.
What I have a problem with isn’t Christianity. It’s with organized religion being used for something other than that. To me, religion, in its core, is corrupt. It’s man made. As men are, in their core, corrupt, anything we make has that small kernel of corruption living in it. It only takes one bad person to make that corruption grow. When people blindly follow a person who claims to be ‘godly’ they open themselves to that corruption. They open themselves to the corruption of those who might have ulterior motives.
I think your relationship with the universe needs to be a personal one. I don’t think it’s something someone else can guide you in. I think we all have the power in ourselves to determine the difference between right and wrong, without seeking the assistance of a middle man.
I have nerves in my body. When I touch a stove, those nerves cause pain and that pain warns me that I’m doing damage to my body. It warns me to stop doing that damage before that damage becomes permanent. So I stop doing what I’m doing.
I think feelings work the same way. If we left things the way they were, if we ignored 1000 year old books and just listened to our feelings, we’d all be better people. When we feel guilt, anger, hatred, sadness, any of those horrible feelings, those are signs that we’re damaging more than our bodies. We’re damaging our souls. If we don’t change the way we act, that damage will become permanent. You shouldn’t need the teachings of Jesus, Yahweh, Mohamed or Buda to tell you that. You already have your instincts telling you what you need to know.
It’s not about religion. It’s about faith. I believe my body was designed by a higher power, which gives me all the tools to know when I’m doing wrong. Faith isn’t man made. It’s instinctual and it can’t be corrupted. So while I have a lot of faith in faith, I have very little in religion.
I get this message a lot, by the same people that accuse me of hating Christians. “What if you’re wrong? At least if I’m wrong, I have nothing to lose.”
That’s an invalid argument. You can’t be “Christian…just in case” because there is a very good chance you could be wrong. There are more than 4000 known religions. Unless you subscribe to every last one, there is no ‘just in case’. In fact, it’s entirely likely that you’re wrong. It’s entirely likely that you’re doing things wrong, because you’re putting your faith in the hands of men, when you could have faith all your own.
You’ve been given all the tools to know the difference between right and wrong. It’s just that society, and religion, likes to jump in and gum up the works. Your body isn’t telling you you’re gay because you are being tested. Your body is telling you you’re gay because it knows it’s right to love someone of the same gender. It was what you were made for. The only test you fail is if you fail to acknowledge what you truly are and deny yourself to please other people. That’s when you get the guilt. The sign that you’re denying yourself is the sign that you’re damaging your soul. You were made for something. Accept it.
The purpose of your religion, regardless of what it is, should be this. It should be to make you a better person. It shouldn’t be for you to convert everyone you know into your club. It shouldn’t be to ‘spread your message’. True faith happens on the inside. It happens when you accept yourself.
I don’t subscribe to religion because I find it arrogant. Whatever put us all here, whatever reason it had, we need to accept it is a far more intelligent being that we could ever be. For us to pretend we know what it wants, and even counsel others on its state of mind, is both futile and arrogant.
So no, I don’t hate Christians. I just don’t agree with you all. It has nothing to do with me being faithless. In fact, I think I have a little more faith than most. I have faith in the body and the brain I was given to be able to tell me right from wrong. I believe I was made the way I was for a reason. It wasn’t a trick and it wasn’t to test me. It was for me to find the best possible way for me to be me. I’m doing that.
If you need Christianity to do that, more power to you. I think everyone needs an outlet and I’m not even saying Christianity is wrong. Everyone needs a way the channel that universal energy we were all given.
But you can’t be Christian…just in case. Life is a bit more complicated than that.
“Women can’t be funny.”
This is a statement I hear a lot. I’m not sure where it came from, but the earliest instance I know of occurs in a 1695 article written by William Congreve, which states;
“I must confess I have never made an observation of what I apprehend to be true humor in women. Perhaps passions are too powerful in that sex to let humor have its course; or maybe by reason of their natural coldness, humor cannot exert itself to that extravagant degree, which is does in the male sex.”
Now look, based on my review of William Congreve’s body of work, I could make my own assertion and create an article called “People Named William Can’t be Funny” …but I’m not the kind of girl to generalize.
I bring this up tonight because I got yet another email from yet another disgruntled commentator, who is firm in his assertion that Essa Alroc is, in fact, a man. Following his email, I immediately raced to my bathroom, yanked down my pants, and was relieved to find that my vagina was just where I left it.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Just because I’m funny doesn’t mean I have a dick. I assure you all, I really am the smoking hot blonde, with the tiny white dog, in the picture slightly to the right. I don’t avoid posting pictures of myself on this page because I’m trying to hide my Adam’s Apple. I avoid posting them because in every picture, I look exactly like this;
What can I say? I’m not photogenic and something about someone pulling out a camera makes me want to sneeze and fart simultaneously.
I’ve been told my tone is masculine, my subjects are masculine and even, from one flaky ‘chakra counselor’ (how the fuck is that a job title?) that my aura is masculine. I don’t think that’s the case. I think it’s simply the fact that people aren’t yet used to my awesome style.
Look, I’m not one to jump on the feminist bandwagon, but the fact is until very recently, the female gender has been repressed. Our main goal in life wasn’t to impress society. It was to impress a man. Rule of thumb when impressing a man?
YOU don’t try to be funny. You make HIM feel like HE’S funny.
Women having goals outside of marriage and children is a relatively recent occurrence. It wasn’t until the sexual liberation of the 60s that we were even allowed to fuck who we wanted without being ostracized. Even then, our freedom became all about our sexuality. When it came to freedom of opinions, we were nothing more than a bunch of angry dykes who couldn’t get men.
I got lucky. I was born at the tail end of that repression. From early childhood, it was ingrained in me that it’s far more important to be an interesting person than it is to be wife material. I thank having very liberal parents for that. Being wife material is kind of my idea of hell.
To me, wife material = boring as fuck
Yes, I’m a mother. But this isn’t a ‘mom blog’ because I’m defined by more than the ability to shove something the same size and weight as a bowling ball out of my vagina…though I will admit it’s a impressive feat. I don’t make this blog about dating because I don’t date. I haven’t in years. As a single woman with horrible taste in men, I would consider it the absolute height of irresponsibility to bring some man I’ve only known for a few weeks around my child and introduce him as his new daddy. Not to mention, I’m pretty sure my kid would shank him.
He has a bit of an Oedipus complex that I’m sincerely hoping he’ll grow out of.
So no, I don’t stick to ‘female friendly’ topics. This blog isn’t about me dating or me being a mom or about me empowering women. The phrase ‘women’s empowerment’ genuinely makes me throw up a little. This site is here so I can vent about the shit everyone else does to piss me off. The object of my site isn’t to impress anyone. It’s to piss you off, and maybe make you laugh a little.
I’m not a man. I’m not even androgynous. I’m very clearly a woman. I have the tits to prove it and they are fucking fantastic. But this blog isn’t about my fantastic tits (though they are so fantastic, they deserve their own blog). This blog is about my opinions on everything, hence the name “Essa on Everything.”
I’m not a man writing as a woman, or even a woman writing as a woman. I’m a person who writes the things most people are thinking in their heads anyway. If you’re a regular reader, go ahead and count the times that you’ve nodded in agreement over something I’ve said on here. That didn’t happen because I’m a chick. It happened because I’m a smart person who has no fear of hatemail.
The fact is I say what PEOPLE are thinking. I’m able to let the facts of a certain situation swirl around in my head for a bit, before I give a concise, intelligent, and oftentimes hilarious opinion.
I don’t need a pair of testicles to do it. So no people, I’m not a man. I’m just a girl who is a lot smarter than you. It happens and it happens a lot more than you might think.
Deal with it.
The splatter of shopper blood in parking lots everywhere makes it official; the Christmas season has begun.
Every year, I promise myself I’m going to do it differently. I’m not going to procrastinate. I’m going to get everything done early and have a good old fashioned, balmy 80 degree Christmas.
This year, I give up. I’m not changing any bad habits. I am going to sit on my ass and let history repeat itself. So here are my predictions for the 2014 Christmas season.
I will consistently bitch about the radio stations that switch to playing nothing but Christmas songs this time of year.
One or two Christmas songs is all right, but I don’t need 40 different renditions of Jingle Bells. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to rock out to Jingle Bells? But that isn’t the main reason I hate this practice.
The main reason I hate it is between all the shitty Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeers and Frosty the Snowmans, these stations never play the ONE Christmas song worth listening to.
That would be “Father Christmas” by the Kinks. I now invite you to listen to it 10 times in a row, like I always do this time of year.
I will take on way too many clients and wind up working until Midnight on Christmas Eve.
This time of year, old clients start popping out of the woodwork for one simple reason; they want Christmas off. Due to my utter lack of time management and inability to turn down a job, I can pretty much guarantee while you’re all drinking eggnog and watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”, I’ll be staring at my computer screen and swearing, while I gently remind a client based in India that December 24 is a major holiday in the US.
Due to lack of aforementioned time management skills, I will do all of my Christmas shopping at 6 pm on Christmas Eve.
On Christmas Eve, I will take a short break from my 18 hour workday in order to race to Target and buy anything that is still available. Paper towels? Mom would love those. Lunch meat? Didn’t my brother say he was on the Atkins diet? Then, I will phone it in by buying a bunch of gift cards. Everyone loves gift cards.
Thank god for gift cards.
I will use Christmas Day as an excuse to begin drinking at 9 am.
Most people suffer from ‘after Christmas letdown.’ I suffer from “After Christmas – World’s Worst Hangover – Please Kill Me” letdown. December 26 always involves me lying on the couch, binge watching a comfort show (current fav Law and Order: Criminal Intent) as I try not to vomit and lie about ‘never drinking again’.
I will cry at the end of Scrooged
Scrooged is probably the best Christmas movie ever made and I watch it every year. And every year, I cry like a pussy when the little black kid says “god bless us, every one.” This year, I will not even attempt to fight the tears as I watch Bill Murray turn into a better person. I’ll just suck it up and admit Scrooged is a fucking sweet movie.
I will get drunk and post the “Year End Review” blog.
Every year, I feel like a sentimental idiot for posting it, but every year I do it anyway. This is the blog where I go over all the embarrassing shit I’ve done, tell off a few notable hate mailers, and talk about how the next year is going to be the best year ever.
While that last sentence always makes me feel like a sap, it is always true. Now that I found my calling, I can pretty much guarantee that every year of my life will be better than the one before it.
At least until I die of that inevitable drug overdose.
This year, I will not change a thing about the way I react to the Christmas season. I won’t be nicer to people and I won’t make any effort to be a better person. But you do have to give me points for at least being consistent.
I know Kirk Cameron is busy this time of year. After all, he has to save Christmas from all the cross burning Christmas haters who want to wish you a “Happy Holiday” and remind women that their place is in the home (singing shitty Christmas carols and making cookies that look way better than they taste), all while glossing over the fact that many of our traditions come from pre-Christian pagan celebrations of the winter solstice and not everything is about Jesus
Sorry, off track. What I’m trying to say is that even though Kirk Cameron is busy as hell this time of year, he still took time to create a video on his show “Way of the Master” (otherwise known as “Kirk Cameron Can’t Stop Thinking About Gay Sex”). This video explains to all of us how we can talk to gay people about their sinful ways. Then, we can get them on the righteous path to denying an integral part of their personalities so the invisible sky daddy won’t get mad and stop granting their wishes.
I don’t know much about Christianity, but I think I nailed it in a nutshell.
Anyway, with so much on his plate, I decided to jump in and help him out. Maybe you’re Kirk Cameron. Maybe you know Kirk Cameron. Maybe you’re thinking of becoming Kirk Cameron…because it’s totally a choice. Regardless of what it is, today I’m going to teach you how to talk to Kirk Cameron.
The first thing to remember is Kirk Cameron is just like us…only inherently evil and probably going to hell. That’s why when you talk to Kirk Cameron, you should remind him as often as possible that while you love him, he’s going to suffer in the fire pits of torment for all eternity, simply for being Kirk Cameron.
Yes, it’s incredibly unfair that he’s going to hell simply for being born Kirk Cameron, but we all have crosses to bear. For example, I occasionally have a bad hair day. Why did god choose to torment Kirk Cameron so much more than me? I don’t have a good answer, so here is a picture of what I imagine all of Kirk Cameron’s family gatherings to look like, based on my extremely limited understanding of Kirk Cameron.
Why is being Kirk Cameron bad? Simple. Based on this chart I created, it’s clearly obvious that all forms of douchebaggery are related, regardless of the level. Watch as I prove it with shitty graphics.
Now, I know you’re thinking “wait, isn’t douchebaggery something that can be subjective based on your own cultural background, family values and what version (of the 500 available versions) of the douchebag bible you’re reading? Maybe some cultures don’t believe being Kirk Cameron is wrong at all.”
Well, I don’t have a good answer for that, so I’m simply going to say, I love you, but you’re a heathen and you’re probably going to hell. The best way to show someone you love them is to sentence them to eternal damnation for disagreeing with you.
Just remember, regardless of how you feel about Kirk Cameron…know that Mike Seaver would fucking hate that guy.