Essa and the Magic Easter Ganja

I am a prolific procrastinator. Case in point, last year I did all of my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve…at 5 pm. I have seen the hell that is the holiday isles for last minute shoppers.

There are things I wish I could unsee.

So naturally, when I realized I had procrastinated right up to a major holiday yet again, I turned to drugs.

I put together my own spring mix. It’s one part Strawberry Kush and one part Skywalker. I choose the Strawberry k because it’s pink and pink is kind of an Easter color. I choose the Skywalker because Jedi is kind of a religion. With a mighty toke, I am on my way to go Easter shopping at Target.

Sorry Target.

Probably more weed...and some of those fucking Cadbury eggs. Like 7000

Probably more weed…and some of those fucking Cadbury eggs. Like 7000

I choose a cart and magically get a non-squeaky one. As I walk, I admire the shiny floors…and plow my cart into a display of Hunger Games DVDs.

After a stoned apology, I am on my way. I remember to be more vigilant. It’s easy to get distracted by Target’s shiny floors. (Target, you may want to look into the liability of that. Seriously, shiny floors to stoners are like flames to moths. Someone is going to get hurt.)

I am in the grocery isle, trying to pick out a ham, but it is the hardest decision I will ever make. I suddenly feel like everything is riding on me choosing the right ham. I feel like everyone in the store is waiting for me to choose my ham. The pressure is too much.

“Would you all just give me a damn minute!” I realize that no one was looking at me until I shouted at them. Now, everyone is looking at me. Face red, I get ready to drop a random ham in my cart.

“Holy shit, when did I get so much stuff!” My cart is literally teaming. “And why do I need so many laxatives?”

“Excuse me,” an angry woman pushes past me and I realize that this is not my cart.

“Woops, sorry.” I find my cart and manage to make a few selections in the grocery isle without incident. But my trip isn’t over.

It is time to go to the very mouth of the abyss. The Holiday isle. After a bit of minor confusion that I blame on excessive floor shininess (seriously Target, look into that) I arrive at the Easter isle.

It is pure chaos. I abandon my cart outside and plunge in recklessly. People are everywhere and the shelves look like a grocery store from the Walking Dead.

Desperate to get my hands on anything, I turn towards the toys and immediately pick up a large, fluffy pink rabbit. I clutch onto it, despite the fact that my son is way too old, and probably a little too male, to want a fluffy pink rabbit. Then I realize I want it for myself. It’s so soft. I can’t stop petting it long enough to put it in my cart.

Until I realize I am absently sexually molesting a toy rabbit in front of a large group of children and again, this is not my cart.

With visions of a future on the sex offender’s registry, I plow forward bravely, snatching random things off the shelves. When I have enough items to make me feel like a good mother, I run out and dump them all in my cart.

“Motherfucker!” This is still not my cart. Shamefaced, I pull my items out and again find my cart. I make it through checkout relatively easily, thanks to a debit card, and I push my cart out the doors excitedly.

I can’t wait to get home and see what I got!


Boys Can Be Just as Bitchy

I watched Mean Girls the other day, because I am a huge fan of Lindsey Lohan’s boobs.

They’re like two perfect melons, sitting next to each other in a hammock

They’re like two perfect melons, sitting next to each other in a hammock

This time, I didn’t laugh as much. I actually got a little annoyed. Let me explain why.

You might not know this, but the movie was loosely based on a self-help/psychology style book called ‘Queen Bees and Wannabes.’ The purpose of the book is to examine how girls interact with each other, and how deep down we’re all catty backstabbing bitches. Allegedly, unlike men, we engage in psychological warfare in order to fit into our respective groups. Apparently, men are immune to this incredible phenomena.

You ever hear a guy say this?

I’ll never understand chicks. When girls are pissed, they start all this drama and the fight drags on forever. When guys are pissed, we just punch each other a few times and then we let it go.

Bullshit? This is Essa calling. We need to talk.

Boys can be just as bitchy as girls, both to their own gender and to the opposite sex.

As most of you probably know, I have an older brother. Much to his frustration, I mention him regularly in this blog. Today will be no different. Sorry, bro.

In high school, my brother was extremely popular and he had many attractive friends. One of those attractive friends had the hots for my extremely attractive best friend. They dated for a bit, but it didn’t work out because she was into someone else.

Instead of just ‘letting it go’, the guy started talking about her behind her back and got all his friends involved. He and his friends called her some incredibly unflattering names, spread rumors about her and even wrote an offensive song about her. As I recall, it was called ‘Cum Dumpster.”

Yeah, it was super clever in the way only high school boys can be.

All of the supposedly non-bitchy boys participated, despite the fact that she’d never done anything to them and was in no way anything like they described her. Even the guys who didn’t know her got involved. The only thing no one did was defend her.

Much to my eternal shame, not even I, the queen of clever one liners and scathing insults, helped. Anyone who tried suddenly became the target and I had been the target for so long, it was nice to get a break and be able to fit in.

In short, these ‘straight forward boys’ who are so very good at getting over things, at ‘letting it go’, were actually one of the bitchiest groups of mean girls I’ve ever met.

On the flip-side, around the same time, I fell for one of my brother’s hot friends. When our relationship (i.e. occasionally screwing in the back seat of his car) didn’t work out (because he was occasionally screwing other girls in that same back seat), I didn’t enlist the help of my friends to mock him and make his life hell. I didn’t spread rumors or write stupid songs about him.

Instead, I dropped the dude with one incredibly sweet head-butt to the face and actually let it go.

Ok, to be honest, I still occasionally masturbate to the memory of the way he dropped to the floor and started crying like baby, but I’d consider that more creepy than bitchy.

My point is “who’s the bitchy one, again?”

Guys participate in the mean girl mentality too. They find the weak guy in the herd and torture him endlessly. They bully him in the locker room, give him wedgies in the cafeteria, and talk about him behind his back. Boys have cliques. They have alpha males and beta males. Betas suck up to the alphas to fit in, and they are just as likely to participate in passive aggressive behavior as women.

Trust me, I was once the only female in a platoon of 25 men; guys can be cunts too.

They certainly don’t ‘just throw a few punches and let it go.’

They might do that with their best buddies, but they don’t do that in their cliques. The truth is, boys are just like girls when it comes to friends.

They have their best buddies, the guys they help move and have as the best men at their wedding, and they have their ‘kinda friends’. Those are the guys that they only sort of know, and pretend to like, while they talk about them behind their backs. Don’t try to deny it boys; I’ve seen it in action.

Girls do the same thing. We have the girls that we would defend to the death (like I should have done for my high school friend) and we have the ones that we sort of know, who we don’t feel that guilty about talking about.

It isn’t the mean girls mentality and it isn’t the mean boys mentality. It’s human nature. We all want to be at the top of the pack. Unfortunately, some of us believe that means climbing over a few people to get there. We ALL fall in line, because it’s easier to be liked by a group of people you hate than it is to be the target.

Along the way, we wind up betraying people we care about in order to make that happen.

Even 20 years later, I’m still ashamed of the way I acted when the mean boys were making fun of my friend. Sure, I never said anything about her, but I didn’t stop it and that was wrong. My inaction made it seem like it was ok, and it wasn’t.

To my BFF from high school, know that I’m sorry I fell into the ‘mean boys’ mentality all those years ago. I wasn’t the same girl then that I am now.

Time (and a few near death experiences) has a way of changing you into the kind of person who no longer cares about fitting into cliques. I only wish I could go back, but as who I am now, because I would gleefully headbutt every single one of those assholes in the face.

I guess time also has a way of making us all a little more straight forward, regardless of gender.


An Open Letter to My Landscapers

Living in an apartment comes with a couple of major benefits.

Benefit #1: I don’t have to do yard work.

Benefit #2: My yard work is done by a bunch of hot, sweaty, shirtless, muscular Hispanic men who have provided me with enough masturbation fodder to keep me aroused well into my 90s.

sexy gardner

As much as I enjoy looking at them, I have to say, it’s pretty clear they have no idea what they’re doing. Not that I have a problem with stupid men. Hell, young, dumb and handsome is exactly how I like them. But I think a few tweaks to their work plan are in order, before my entire complex is consumed in dandelions and rose bushes that are nothing but thorns.

#1 – That thing your weed wacking is a sprinkler head.

No joke, I just watched a guy go to town on a sprinkler head with a high powered weed wacker for twenty minutes before realizing that the ‘weed’ was made of green plastic. On the upside, I now have a pretty new mini-fountain in my front yard. Hey, silver lining, right?

#2 – You just spent $40 in gas trying to move ONE leaf.

I know the term ‘leaf blower’ is confusing, because it indicates a singular leaf. However, the leaf blower is actually meant to be used on large quantities of leaves. Now, look around. What kind of trees do we have here? Palm trees. You know, the kind of tree that doesn’t drop leaves. Why the hell do you even have a leaf blower? I haven’t seen a leaf on the ground since 2009.

#3 – Just leaving the lawnmower on isn’t a clever tactic for hiding from work.

Trust me, I am the queen of avoiding doing work, and I know a thing or two about pretending to be busy when I’m not. When you sit in the shade for half an hour, with your lawnmower running but not moving while you play with your iPhone, everyone can tell you’re not doing anything.

A lawnmower makes a shitty prop, because it makes it clear to people that you aren’t working as soon as it’s not in motion. Here are some ideas for better props.

  • The weed wacker – One of my friends used to do this one when he was assigned yard work in the military. He would get a weed wacker, and then he would just walk around with it. Whenever anyone looked suspicious, he pretended he was cleaning it. In the entire 6 months he was on the yard work detail, he never turned the weed wacker on once…and Fort Huachuca was nearly overrun with weeds.
  • The clipboard – This was another tip from my friend. When you carry a clipboard, you always look like you’re doing something important. There is just something about a clipboard that gives you an air of authority. Plus, it’s lighter than a weed wacker.
  • The ‘arms crossed while watching another group of guys who are actually working’ pose – This one is good too, because again it gives you an air of authority, without you having to do one single thing. As an added bonus, most people will just assume you’re with the government, due to the lack of efficiency in 6 supervisors watching two guys do all the work.

Look, I want you guys to stay forever. You’re fun to look at and I don’t understand what you’re calling me when you yell at me in Spanish. But it’s only a matter of time before my landlord realizes you are all nothing but very dirty eye candy. When that happens, you’re going to get shown the door and I’m going to get a new crew of significantly less attractive rednecks.

Please don’t let that happen. What we have is special and I’d hate to lose it.


I’m Better When I’m Drunk – Boozehound for Hire

Recently, I decided to run my stats, because that sounds like something successful business people do. With the exception of my ‘How to Pass a Drug Test‘ article, every one of the top articles I’ve written have been written while I was at least mildly buzzed, to heavily intoxicated.

Of course, I didn’t post when I was hammered. I never allow myself to post while drinking. I made that rule after an unfortunate occurrence where I wrote something suspiciously similar to a communist manifesto. To this day, I still have a huge socialist following…

marxist feminie dialect

My blog posts can be classified into three categories. The first category is my standard jokey posts, usually written sober, that skim the surface of a current complaint. The next category occurs when I’ve been drinking. The articles I write then are emotionally charged and usually cover controversial topics in an extremely controversial way.

The third category occurs when I’m really stoned. Those articles are mainly about how much I love Funyuns.

Funyuns_Original

Here’s why I’m bringing this up. There is a double standard when it comes to addiction. The best you can get when you have a drinking or drug problem is to be called ‘functioning’. But what if your problem isn’t with booze or pills? What if your personal vice is betting at the track or hitting the craps tables in Vegas?

Well, then you don’t have to be an addict. Instead, you can be a professional gambler. You ever notice that gambling is a very specific addiction? It only affects those who are bad at it. If you are an incredibly good gambler, who is really lucky, you are a professional gambler. If you suck, you’re addicted to gambling.

Here’s the deal; I’m actually good at being drunk. I’m not an angry drunk or weepy drunk. I’m just a bit happier and a little less inhibited. Apparently, I’m also a better writer when I’ve had a few. I’m much more likely to break past that old “New Englanders don’t have feelings’ mentality. With a buzz, I can talk about something I’m truly passionate about, rather than waxing on for 2000 words about how different the Bible would be if it was written by Alpacas.

Anyway, I’m annoyed. If gamblers can do it, why not me? So I am taking the opportunity now to announce, I am not an alcoholic or drunk.

I am a Professional Boozehound.

***Oh, and concerned readers, resist the urge to send me pamphlets about AA. I would rather be full on sucking-my-dealers-dick-for-my-next-fix addicted than paste one of those obnoxious ‘take it easy’ bumper stickers on my car. Recognize artistic license when you see it, people.

 

 

 


I Can’t Wait Until My Funeral

You are never more popular than you are when you die. You get more flowers, more visitors, and more nice things said about you at one time than in your entire life combined. No matter how much of a dirt bag you were, people will stay up for hours, writing a eulogy where they try to find something nice to say about you.

God damn it, I can’t wait! I have an outfit picked out and everything! The only thing that sucks is I won’t be alive to enjoy it.

I can only imagine the crazy shit people would come up with in order to make me sound like a good person.

  • Essa had a real thirst for life! (technically true, when you consider my drinking problem)
  • Essa was really consistent at being inconsistent.
  • Essa had great oral hygiene and flossed regularly.

People will come up with something nice to say, because it most cases, death makes you a saint.

I used to live in a small town in Maine, near Bowdoin College. While I was there, there was a homeless man that everyone called ‘CatDog”. CatDog was well into his 60s, most likely mentally ill, and had some serious drug problems.

Then CatDog died. Suddenly, CatDog was the wisest man who ever existed. He wasn’t a homeless man; he was a ‘street philosopher’. He didn’t sleep in an alley because he was addicted to huffing paint. He slept in the alley because of his ‘minimalist beliefs’. CatDog was no longer the homeless man everyone avoided. He was wise. Newspapers wrote extensive profiles on him, going into his life in detail and talking about how he’d managed to ‘survive 40 years on the streets’.

He lived so long because he was in Brunswick fucking Maine. The biggest daily danger he faced was getting patronized to death by some Liberal Arts white kid with dreadlocks.

They said all these wonderful things about this guy, with no irony at all, despite how he died. As I recall, his death was a result of passing out in a plastic bag filled with paint. When he was found, his pants were down around his ankles and he was in viewing distance of a grade school.

To me, that’s the exact opposite of wisdom. You know who never gets hired as a life coach? The guy with an addiction to paint huffing and kid diddling.

If death made CatDog a saint, imagine what it’s going to do for me! So, I’ve wanted to let you all know that I’ve decided to do something special. You know how some chicks get sick of waiting to get married and marry themselves? Well, I’m sick of waiting to get buried so I’m going to bury myself.

I present to you the Essa Alroc Pre Mortem Funeral

invitation

The itinerary is as follows. You will arrive at the funeral home. I will arrive by a horse drawn hearse in a silk lined casket made of glass so everyone can admire how pretty I am. Then, I will take a nap while every takes turns saying nice things about me and giving me flowers. I will be taken back to the hearse and we will begin the procession to the graveyard. We will take the long route, stopping as much traffic as possible along the way. We will arrive at the cemetery.

Then, as I believe the Catholic Church requires, we will all do the chicken dance. I will be brought into a Mausoleum that is a large scale replica of my face. You will all go home. Well, except one of you.

I’m gonna need someone to let me out of the Mausoleum.

Donations can be made directly to me, because it is going to be expensive as hell to pay for all this shit.

 


Dear Science, we’ve waited long enough…

Marty McFly will return on October 21, 2015. He was expecting to land in a world filled with hover boards, flying cars and rampant gambling and prostitution.

http___makeagif.com__media_3-31-2014_tBPjgd

At least the producers got the last two right.

Science, I know you try. I know you’re constantly covered in bureaucratic red tape, thanks to companies who would rather pay to treat a disease for years, rather than cure it once. I know what a bitch it is to have to apply for grant money to try out some wacky idea.

I understand how depressing it is to be an aspiring mad scientist in a world where giant lasers don’t exist.

But I’m going to need you all to up your game. Marty McFly will be returning soon and we at least want to show him we did some things right (besides the gambling and prostitution). Here are some projects I’m going to need you to start working on ASAP.

Food in pill form – and the Mexican diet pills I’m taking don’t count. As a human being who might also be part cyberborg, I find the task of eating annoying and time consuming. I live on a diet of mainly processed items in small packages, that require no cooking. When I do cook, I’m so exhausted by the time I’m done, I don’t have the energy to eat.

Unless I’m taking those Mexican diet pills. Then I cook, clean the bathroom for 6 hours and mow the lawn.

Holograms – Do you guys remember Jem and the Holograms? It’s mainly about a girl, her pet supercomputer, and a band of crime solving musicians. I loved that show and I wanted to be Jem. Unfortunately, as the use of holograms isn’t as widespread as we would expect it to be, I haven’t had the opportunity yet.

http___makeagif.com__media_3-31-2014_ye1Y7P

Rest assured, as soon as I can buy a hologram throwing supercomputer at Kinkos, I will be starting my own band which also solve crimes. FYI: I’m looking for a good keytar player, if anyone knows one.

Dictation software that actually works – Here’s an example of the current dictation software I have available to me.

Watch as I type this ambiance with store taught diction software.

Really? Come on Science. We can do better than that. It’s 2014. I was expecting to be able to type novels with my mind by now, and instead, you’re sticking me with software that can’t tell the difference between ‘ambiance’ and ‘sentence’. It doesn’t help that I have a slight New England drawl, which leads the computer to believe that I don’t use the letter R.

Robots – Do you guys realize the closest thing we have to artificial intelligence is Google? Seriously, we have that kind of power at our fingertips, and we use it to search for fetish porn. Where’s my maid robot, my sex robot and my gas station robot? Hell, if people who made movies based in the future want to be accurate, they shouldn’t have robots doing all the menial jobs. They have all the jobs outsourced to India.

Science, I have to say you’re doing ok. Sure, you haven’t found a cure for AIDS or cancer, but at least you can get a 90 year old’s penis hard. You might not have found a way to end pollution but you did create PooVak, the Pet Waste Vacuum Pooper Scooper. Seeing you guys really like to focus your energy on frivolous crap, I’m sure all my requests should be easy to manage.

Happy sciencing.

 


A Brief (and Incredibly Inaccurate) Explanation of Easter

I love holidays. I love every last one of them, right down to Arbor Day and the Jewish New Year. I just like any day that is special, and gives me an excuse to day drink.

Of course, whenever a religious holiday comes along, as a parent, it is my duty to explain these holidays to my son. While I’m great with the biggies, Christmas, Halloween, etc., I kind of blow once the story gets involved. And Easter is a bit of a convoluted story in the Catholic Church.

So I do what any good parent would do when their kid asks them questions they don’t know the answer to. I fucking wing it.

Son: Mom, what do we celebrate Easter?

Me: Because Jesus comes back.

Son: Doesn’t that mean Armageddon?

Me: No, Armageddon would only happen if Jesus came back at the same time as his evil twin, the Anti-Christ.

Son: Jesus has an evil twin?

Me: Sure, deep down, everyone has an evil twin. That’s what Easter is all about.

Son: So what’s with the eggs?

Me: Jesus is allergic. I think it’s passage Luke 24: 35, where the angel announces Jesus has risen. Right before everyone starts singing “Jesus Christ; Superstar”, the angel announces to the women at the tomb that Jesus he isn’t in the tomb anymore and gives them instructions for his return. “He is risen, just as he said…Now hide those damn eggs. Jesus can be a real diva and if he sees any eggs in his green room, we’ll hear about it from his agent.” Then, everyone does a big dance number.

http___makeagif.com__media_3-27-2014_4wrVWx

Son: (a look of pure skepticism)

Me: What?

Son: Fine, whatever. What’s with all the flat bread?

Me: Yeast makes Jesus gassy. He actually has a large list of dietary restrictions.

Son: I should probably Google this so I don’t sound like an idiot, huh?

Me: I think that would be a wise decision.

 


Classifying Asshole Neighbors

About 40% of the people in the US live in apartments. I am one of those apartment dwellers. Through the years, I have lived in about 10 different apartments in different cities, with different socioeconomic backgrounds and different amenities. But there is one thing I have noticed that is common in all of them.

Asshole neighbors.

In order to help classify them, I’ve created this handy list of definitions, laying out their specific genus and species. You’re welcome.

Shrill Teenagers

Shrill Teenagers can be spotted at around 3 am, usually directly underneath your bedroom window. They can be identified by the unique noise they emit. It is a combination of text speak and all caps.

OMG, DID YOU SEE TOMMY! I WAS TOTES ROFL AND LMFAO!! DO YOU THINK HE SAW ME! I HATE HIM SO MUCH. THAT’S WHY I TALK ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME!!!

The following statement will be followed by shrill (hence the name) giggles that will cut into your very soul.

The Angry Elderly

This type of neighbor isn’t so much of an asshole as they are a pain in the ass. They can be spotted by the sound of a broomstick banging on your bedroom floor from below, because you are being too loud. You are being too loud despite wearing slippers stuffed with feathers on a carpeted floor while tiptoeing.

These types are very skittish about noise and much like squirrels, can be found in droves in the early morning, but disappear come about 5 pm. They are ritualistic and must return home every evening in time for viewings of Wheel of Fortune followed by Jeopardy.

Dysfunctional Duos

Dysfunctional Duos have a special place in my heart, because I was once part of a dysfunctional duo. (Side note: if you don’t know who the crazy neighbor is, you are the crazy neighbor). Keep in mind that these types do not have to be boy/girl pairings. In fact, they are most often seen when you pair two females together. Much like Japanese fighting fish, it will only be a matter of time before one rips the others fins off.

These Dysfunctional Duos will have long periods of dormancy, where they are perfectly happy together.  Then, they will display the warning signs of an impending attack. This starts by drinking large of amounts of alcohol and displaying ‘crazy eyes’, followed by loudly asking “Seriously?” in response to an argument. The argument will end with a minimum of a physical assault, or a maximum of a night in jail.

Foreclosed Trailer Dwellers

Foreclosed trailer dwellers are just what they sound like (yes, I am fully aware you can’t foreclose on a trailer). They are rednecks who move in with 16 broken down cars, an RV, and 75 of their closest relatives. They are easily spotted by the cars they drive, none of which will be made later than 1994. The cars might be held together with glue, random scraps of wood, and coat hangers. They will all have tinted windows.

These apartment rednecks will be extremely loud, drink large quantities of cheep beer and spend a significant amount of time screaming at the television, when they aren’t pounding on each other. Aside from Dysfunctional Duos, Foreclosed Trailer Dwellers get the most amount of police visits.

Criminally Insane

Whether they’re setting up a meth lab or walking around the neighborhood in nothing but a baseball hat and a smile, there is always one. Weirdly, they can often be the hardest to find. See, you won’t know about the criminally insane until the police are pulling up to dig some dead hookers out of your neighbor’s garden.

These people might appear to be perfectly normal. Then, one day they will snap. They are the people that interviewees on the news are talking about when they say ‘but he was such a nice guy…’ You might think you don’t have any in your neighborhood. But rest assured, there is always one.


Hey Target, I Have Some Ideas for Your Bags

Let me start this off by saying I love Target. I love their clean floors and bathrooms, their sales associates that are actually polite and pleasant and the fact that you can get a cart through their isles without running into piles and piles of impulse buys.

Another thing I like about Target is they are socially conscious. I noticed that today as I was examining my Target bag and saw a helpful listing of ways to ‘recycle’ the bag and save the planet.

Target bag

Now, I’m all for saving the planet, but I have to say Target, your ideas are a little vanilla. I mean, ‘reuse it as a lunch bag?” Come on, only the poor kids bring their lunches to school in grocery bags.

So, because I love you so very much Target, I came up with a few more…less suckish ideas for how to reuse your bag.

The Target Blanket Party

Got a bunk mate in the military who just isn’t pulling his weight and keeps getting your whole platoon in trouble? Don’t stretch out your socks filling them with bars of soap and quarters for that midnight sneak attack. Use a Target bag! It even has that handy handle for extra swing, ensuring accuracy when you’re swinging that homemade weapon at your lazy battle buddies testicles.

As an added bonus, that subpar soldier will flinch whenever he hears the crinkle of plastic for the rest of his life.

Autoerotic Asphyxiation

Did you know that 1000 people a year die during autoerotic asphyxiation incidents? Don’t make your family a statistic, by being yet another corpse found dressed in lace panties, hanging from a noose of silk stockings while clenching your rigor mortis stiff penis. Instead, use a Target bag to gently smother yourself while you masturbate! It has less risk than a homemade noose of woman’s lingerie, because if you pass out, the bag will loosen and allow you to start breathing normally again. Safety first perverts. Safety first. 

The Garbage Buffer

Are you tired of your garbage man judging you because your garbage is 98% beer bottles and 2% feminine hygiene products? Shoving some additional Target bags in your garbage will make it look like you do more with your time than drink and insert tampons. Because god forbid an 11th grade drop out garbage man thinks you’re an alcoholic with an exceptionally heavy menstrual flow.

The Shitty Filmmaker

Are you tired of no one thinking you’re deep, no matter how many videos you post of yourself on YouTube talking about your feelings? Get yourself a camera, a Target bag and a windy day. Film it for a few minutes and tell everyone how ‘it’s the most beautiful thing’ you’ve ever seen.

Your friends are sure realize how deep and profound you are then.

The Paint Huffer

Are you sick of wasting valuable paint fumes with those ridiculously porous paper bags? Get with the new millennium and start using plastic instead! As an added bonus, if you buy your huffing paint at Target, you have a fully ready paint huffing kit.

Target, because I love you, you can use all of those ideas free of charge. You don’t even have to credit me with them. I really just want to see the look on some trophy wife’s face when her Target bag tells her “this bag is certified for safe use by the autoerotic asphyxiation society.”


No, You Don’t Need Magnum Condoms

The last time I had sex, back in the day where we would work ourselves up into a lather during a dinosaur back joust, and foreplay consisted of pulling each others powdered wigs off, I noticed a common phenomenon.

Every dude on the planet seems to think he needs Magnum condoms.

t_magnum_l_12box2

The average length of the adult male penis, while fully erect, is approximately 5.5 inches. I’ll be honest and say that is more than enough for me. The only time penis size would seem to be a problem is when someone is hung like a Tic Tac. For the most part, as long as you actually have a penis and you’re not pulling some kind of weird “Boys Don’t Cry” thing, I’m satisfied. I’ve never been with a guy who I felt would benefit from penis enhancement.

Though I’ve known a few who should have considered a reduction.

But I’ve noticed a common trend. Dudes who have no need for Magnum sized condoms carrying around Magnum sized condoms. It serves no purpose. It’s like a chick with a B cup buying double D bras to make herself feel better about her small tits.

You know what specs the Magnum condom was designed for? A minimum of 8 inches while fully erect. Here’s the deal; if you’re 8 inches while fully erect, you don’t need a condom, because there is no way in hell that I’m letting you touch me with that thing. Go find yourself a 50 year old porn star with a cavern of a vagina. I’m a little bit more compact than that.

But when you’re getting on top of me, getting ready to do the deed, and you give me a sly smile while pulling out a Magnum condom to fit your fully average penis, know this. Not only do you look like a moron with low self esteem, you are also putting us both at risk. Wearing an ill fitting condom can lead to spillage, which leads to STDs or accidental pregnancy.

And I’m not willing to risk my health in order to give you a self esteem boost.

So boys, be honest when you head to the drug store. Stop slapping down that economy box of Magnum condoms that you really don’t need and get yourself regular ones that actually fit. It might be a cliché, but it’s true; size really doesn’t matter.

Unless you’re Asian. Then you might want to consider the slim fits…just saying.

 

 


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