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About the Porn…

***Note to family – The title should have turned you off, but if it didn’t, don’t say I didn’t warn you. This post features more than you will ever want to know about me. Turn back now before it’s too late.***

Ever since I came clean about writing porn under the name of Charlene McSuede, I’ve been getting a lot of emails from readers telling me “I know it’s porn, but I’m thinking about checking out one of your Charlene McSuede books.” Or even worse, “I’m reading one of your porn books because I like your writing style.”

To which I can only say…

Screaming

I have a feeling a lot of people are picking these things up, expecting a Harlequin romance or even something like 50 Shade of Grey. Let me make this clear, people. The books under my porn name make 50 Shades of Grey look like the fucking Veggie Tales.

BDSM for Veggie Tales

BDSM for Veggie Tales

These books are not simply books that feature extensive sex scenes, or even some light bondage. They are hardcore spanking fiction.

Yeah, you read that right. Hardcore spanking fiction. That is what these are. While the books are romance, and might even feature a story with a decent twist, that’s only because I think anything worth writing is worth writing right.

But do not go into them thinking you can just skip the kink. You can’t. The books start out tame because I actually have to build character relationships first, but do not be lulled into a false sense of security. Let me give you a metaphor to explain what is going to happen.

You hear a light knocking at your front door. You can’t tell if it’s a visitor or the wind. The rapping continues, almost eerily calm. Tap. Tap. Tap. The tapping is almost soothing in its gentleness. You approach the peephole, to see if you do indeed have a visitor, or if it is nothing more than a wayward tree branch. Ever so softly, you get up on your tiptoes and put your eye right up to the peephole and…

BAM!!! A FUCKIN BULLET RIPS OFF PART OF YOUR HEAD!

gif deer

If you like my writing style, then read the books under this pen name and be patient as I work on publishing more. If you want to support me, again, this pen name.

The only time you should be reading my hardcore spanking fiction is if you’re into hardcore spanking fiction.

Also, no need to mention you’re reading it. This in no way benefits me. Think about it. If you hate it, chances are you think I’m a sick perv. If you love it, you’ve pretty much told me that we enjoy masturbating to the same things. That’s way more than I really need to know about my readers.

I’m not ashamed of the porn. That’s why I mention it here. It sells and it’s good…if you enjoy hardcore spanking fiction. If not, then avoid it. But either way, let’s never mention it again, k?

6 thoughts on “About the Porn…

  1. As long as there’s no masterbating to Veggie Tales, I’m good with it. Not that you needed to hear that. Or probably even care.

    Yeah, let’s just forget I ever mentioned it, Essa.

    • I was actually considering writing a series of gay porn called Fantastic Fruits. The first episode starts out with Mr. Orange trying to explain to an emergency room doctor how he got stuck in a specific orifice. Spoiler alert: He’s lying when he said ‘it was dark and someone fell on him while naked”

      Silly Mr. Orange. :)

      • There’s definitely potential there. Maybe even a Fruit of the Loom tie-in. Although can I suggest changing Mr. Orange to a cumquat? It just sounds a little naughtier…

  2. For some random reason that has nothing whatever to do with anyone I know of who has written porn, I suddenly have a strong hankerin’ to spank Marisa Tomei. With her permission of course.

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