I Am Going to Die Alone – The Annual Forage Into Online Dating
Posted: February 16, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, dating, humor, life, love, online dating, relationships, stupid people, writing 7 Comments »Every year, come Spring, all my friends start online dating. They take their prettiest pictures, set up their accounts and hit the internet to find love. They always seem to have better luck than me. I think its because they’re older and they don’t have as many 25 year old idiots sending them messages. Twenty-five year olds seem to think that a message includes a one word text and a picture of them taking a picture of themselves in their bathroom mirrors. So, it’s probably the age range my friends are looking in that makes them so lucky.
That, and they’re also not bitches like me.
Online dating can be kind of difficult for a judgmental bitch like myself because when some idiot sends me a generic spam message, I respond in the following manner
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When that same spammer gets pissed because I called him on it and starts with the standard “your not that hot/sour grapes bullshit”, I respond like this.
So meanwhile, when my friends are saying things like “oh, yeah, I’m going out this weekend with that doctor I met online,” I say, “I’m going to stay home and wish cancer on every guy who even attempts to contact me.”
If you can believe it, the guy that I wrote that email to asked me out less than five minutes later. Guess some dudes like getting slapped around. I said no. I love slapping dudes around, but I prefer it when they can slap back. Otherwise there’s no challenge.
Anyway, I lasted a whopping two weeks this year. I think I’m going to go back to the way I usually handle meeting new people…by handing my business card out in bulk at bars.
Anyone stupid enough to be take a chance on someone who relies on a generic online dating message en masse deserves to have their evening wasted.
It’s too bad you couldn’t somehow set a couple of these clods up with each other, and then sit in the corner and watch their reactions while they try to figure out what’s going on.
Getting old sucks. But I think being young in this day and age might suck worse. Glad I don’t have to deal with these kinds of issues…
Oh Essa. If only I weren’t married. We could have beautiful, cynical, no bullshit kind of kids. On second thought, fuck that. We are both already parents, so we both knowIt’s bullshit when people paint the beautiful picture of how parenthood is just packed with nothing but joy and laughterand good times.so, let me try that again. Oh Essa. If only I weren’t married. We could hate everyfucking idiot on the planet together, and have hotsex like spider monkeys until we realize how disgusting we are. Then we could hate ourselves.
Perhaps the issue is you are looking at 25 year old children. Set your sights differently. Become arm candy with purpose, refuse contact with any male under the age of 35. They are out there, some of them might have actually gained maturity by this time (not all of them).
I swear to you, if I were male … well you know.
Brilliant!
I might have to suck it up and send a letter to Ask a Bitch.:) For some reason, the idea of people wanting to date me seems to make me even more hostile.
lol. My blog is always open for you!
It’s understandable to be hostile to lazy asses and their form letters though.