A Notice To Prospective Clients
Posted: January 22, 2013 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, ebooks, freelance writing, full time writing, humor, internet scams, work, writing 7 Comments »I get a lot of requests for proposals from prospective clients about projects they need done. Some are reasonable. They give me an outline of their project, I give them an idea of price and how long to complete. This notice isn’t for those clients. This notice is for the other 25% of proposal requests that I get that I immediately decline. Let me explain to you why you aren’t getting any responses to the project you need done and answer some common, but incredibly annoying questions I get.
You’re living in a fantasyland on price point. It’s not just annoying for someone to send me a request to write an ebook and tell me their budget is under $500; it’s insulting. Sometimes, if you’re just looking for formatting or editing, I get it, but you’re still asking the wrong girl. I write, I don’t edit. Believe it or not, the two generally don’t go hand in hand. However, for those people who want me to write an entire, 50,000 word, fictional story based on a very loose plot line about their family’s heirloom quilt, for under $500, realize that you are asking me to work for about 12 cents an hour. No, I don’t give a shit that you’ll give me a share of the profits when your boring as fuck quilt book goes viral like 50 Shades of Grey. Why? Because most self published books sell under 100 copies. If it’s a family project and you’re not interested in making money, how cute! Call me back when you can actually afford to pay for my time. Generally, a novel that I sign away all rights to is costing you in the 5 figure range. That way, if the book does make you rich, I will be less likely to kill myself for signing away the rights to it.
No, I won’t post the articles on my blog. I know that they’d get more exposure here, but there’s a reason my blogs are popular. Because I write interesting shit and I don’t censor myself for a sponsor. If I start selling out and selling space to every company who approaches me, my blog would soon be nothing more than vibrator reviews and healing crystal articles. Then my readers would disappear. I rarely drag my blog into my work. Last time I did, it was for a company whose goal was to build schools for girls in Afghanistan. If your company is trying to raise money to keep a 10 year old from getting acid thrown in her face for daring to learn to read, then fine, drop me an email. If you need a review of the New Rabbit Ultrasonic Orgasm 5000, I will give you the same review I give all vibrators right now. “It’s good, but not as good as the real thing.”
You don’t need to talk to me on the phone. Picture me doing that Jedi thing with my hand as I say that. I work with an escrow account, meaning that if you’re not satisfied, you’re getting your money back and I never even see it. I am not a Nigerian scam artist. You do not need to talk to me, or heaven fucking forbid, Skype with me. I write for a reason. I hate talking to people. We can exchange the same info in a 3 second email that you want to give me in a 25 minute phone conversation. Oh, and we will never Skype. Why? Because I haven’t changed my clothes or brushed my hair since I started freelancing. Trust me, seeing me would actually be less reassuring.
Employee or Contractor – Pick one. If the answer is employee, I quit. Here’s how it works. You tell me what you want, I deliver it in the required time frame for an agreed upon price. You pay me. I go away. In exchange, you don’t have to insure me, pay me unemployment if you don’t need me, or jump through hoops to get rid of me. You are not installing a tracking monitor on my keyboard to make sure I’m typing the whole time. You’re not spying on me with a web cam or taking screen shots of my computer verify my hours. That’s shit you do to an employee, which I am not. We agree to a price for a product, I deliver it. Let’s keep it uncomplicated.
NO FREE SAMPLES! Picture this; I finally walk into Abercrombie & Fitch without my eyes swelling shut from allergies. I cram myself into a pair of acid green, torn, size – 4 jeans then walk out of the store in them without paying. It’s ok though, because if I like them, I’ll actually pay for more. If I don’t, I won’t buy anymore, but I’m going to keep the pair I just took. Sound ok? That’s what you’re asking me to do when you want me to write an example, 500 word blog post for free and sign away my rights to you for it. Need a sample? Check one of the 70 articles, 3 books or countless blog posts I have published. A request for a custom written free sample screams scam to me and you’re not getting a response.
Of course, the clients like these are uncommon, but not exactly rare. In fact, I think I get at least one of these requests a week. For those who are considering freelancing careers, keep an eye out for those types of request. Sometimes, they’re just harmless requests from someone not familiar with the work. Sometimes, they’re request from people trying to get over on a new freelancer. Luckily, the beauty of being a freelancer means you never have to be stuck with a bad client. Instead, you can dump them off on someone who’s not as informed.
Good for you for standing up for yourself. To be valuable to others, we must first be valuable to ourselves.
My all-time favorite is when you run into someone that you haven’t seen in forever and tell them you’re a writer. Immediately that two sentence idea they have for a book turns into the worlds least appealing proposal. They’ll tell you their shitty idea for a book in two sentences, you spend the next eight months researching, writing, getting proof-read and edited. Once you’ve written a book based loosely on their idea, you split the profits 70/30. It was their idea after all.
Speaking of books, I finished reading “The Apology” last night at work when I was supposed to be killing myself making ceramic. I loved it. I’ll be writing you a glowing review on Amazon today.
You just described probably the number 1 most annoying thing about being a writer. I get that one all the time too. “Yeah, I thought of this book. It’s kind of like the movie the Sixth Sense, but instead of the guy being a ghost, everyone else is! You could write that, right?” I hate people.
Glad you liked the apology. Thanks for reading it.
This!!
I just joined Elance following your previous blog post, and I can’t believe what some people expect for their money! But if we don’t value ourselves and what we do, how can we expect other people to value us?
Exactly. I will tell you, as long as you charge what your worth, you’ll find the clients. I currently have 8 ongoing who are more interested in quality than price point. When someone offers me a penny a word job, I roll my eyes and tell them to move on. The adage holds true, you get what you pay for.
You’re having better luck freelancing than I am! Either that, or you’ve just been at it longer. I’ve signed on with a number of different freelance firms, including 1 just yesterday where I actually visited their offices and had a sit-down interview with a recruiter. But, she was totally cool. So far, though, I haven’t gotten any responses to my proposals. I’ve been on Elance for almost a month now. I guess I’m just getting too anxious.
I reached the point where I hate people around the same time I reached puberty. But, I’ve finally gotten over denial and stopped trying to like such critters. Dogs are better.
We writers never get the respect we deserve. People think it’s easy just to sit down and spit out some words onto a computer screen. But, we actually have to use brain cells to do it. If it wasn’t for us, Hollywood’s biggest stars wouldn’t be so successful because they’re too damn stupid to know how to write! Ever see some of the hottest stars on late night talk shows? If they don’t have a script in front of them, they can’t function normally.
Regardless, I’m still pursuing my writing career. It’s my single best attribute and all I’ve pretty much wanted to do in life. Besides, I have really big brain cells and hate to see them go to waste.
You need to give it time. I didn’t start getting any of my more solid clients until I was about 3 months in. Trick of freelancing is ‘the more clients you get, the more clients you can get.” For weeks, you’ll get nothing, then suddenly, your get four or five jobs. Its a feast or famine kind of business.