Thanks LancePosted: January 15, 2013
I’m not taking off my Livestrong bracelet. Not just because its tattooed on my wrist. No, I’m not taking off my Livestrong bracelet because I understand what Lance Armstrong is going through.
I also use performance enhancing drugs. Maybe I should come out to Oprah now, before I get famous. Oprah, if it wasn’t for controlled substances, I’d probably never get anything done.
In all honesty, I really don’t understand what all the fuss is about. Based on the articles I’ve researched, damn near every athlete out there uses nutritional supplements to help their performance. Apparently, the only drugs that get banned are the ones that actually work.
Armstrong has been denying the use of performance enhancing drugs since before the bike was even invented. Now he’s telling the truth and I could give a shit less. The dude won the Tour de France 7 times…with one nut. Now, I don’t have nuts, but I’m assuming that makes it incredibly hard to balance. In the interest of fairness, they should have been offering him performance enhancing drugs from the beginning, as he teetered on a rock hard bicycle seat with one testicle.
And he did it all for cancer. Seriously, Livestrong has made over $400 million in charitable donations for cancer research. That cancer research money, and all the advances that were made thanks to that money, were all directly related to Armstrong’s lies. So let me be the first to say ‘thanks for lying Lance’, because apparently people only give a shit about curing cancer when an athlete is telling them to.
In case the world hasn’t noticed, none of these athletes are saints. They get into fights, they use drugs, and they cheat and steal. In the beginning, we put them on a pedestal because they have giant leg muscles. When they do something wrong, we publicly lambast them and take it personally. Can anyone really blame them for lying?
It happens all the damn time. Tiger Woods got mutilated for being a rich pervert, despite the fact that the two generally go hand in hand. Michael Phelps practically won the goddamn Olympics over all, and he gets kicked in the nuts for taking a bong hit. Armstrong teeters to victory on one ball and some steroids, 7 damn times, and he gets flayed for 10 years because he won’t admit to something that’s going to get him attacked even more.
On Oprah, no less. That chick is scary. I still flinch when I think of that ‘Million Little Pieces’ dude.
Our CEO’s and big businesses get away with lying every day. In fact, there are some scientific studies that say most people lie several times a day without even thinking about it. The difference between our lies, the CEO’s lies and Lance Armstrong’s lies?
Neither our lies nor those CEO lies have ever raised $400 million for cancer research. Thanks Lance.