Time Spent Alone In the Bathroom; A Pubic ProblemPosted: January 9, 2013
***FRIENDS AND FAMILY, PLEASE READ THIS NOTICE PRIOR TO MOVING ON TO THE ACTUAL ARTICLE****
A lot of the people who read my site are related to me and know me personally. It’s not a majority of the people, but they are there. If you are one of those people, this notice applies to you. Before you move on to the article, let me warn you that it’s almost entirely about my pubic hair. Now that my brother and my mother have clicked off, I might have the remaining friends and relatives thinking, “Ok, that’s not such a big deal.” Really? Picture this, you read this blog, then, at the next holiday party or family reunion, you see me. You know what’s going to be running through your mind? ‘Pubic hair, pubic hair, pubic hair’. Can you handle that? If not, now is a good time to leave, because things are about to get weird.
I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. It’s not like I have a digestive problem or anything. It’s that I find the bathroom soothing, with is white noise ceiling fan and icy cold floors, perfect for lying on after throwing up. While I’m spending this time in the bathroom, my mind wanders and I wind up thinking about bathroom related things, like if you’re ever too old for a certain ‘pubic hairstyle’.
Ok, so awhile back, my friend Lisa* told me that her aesthetician (crotch waxer) told her that she was getting too old for the “Frito” and had to move on to the “Dorito”. Mainly, he was telling her that the landing strip had gotten too racy for a woman of her age, and she needed to move on to a more sedate look.
Now, I know there’s a limit on head hairstyle; women over 30 shouldn’t wear pigtails, men over 25 shouldn’t be sporting Justin Bieber’s haircut. But I didn’t know there was an age limit on pubic hairstyles!
You would think that there wouldn’t be a lot of options, but there really are. You can shave it off entirely, you can do the traditional triangle, and you can do the straight line landing strip. Hell, you can even let it grow out into a pubic hair jungle, like in a 70’s porno.
But is there an age limit? I’ve gone with a few different styles over the years. During my pregnancy, I unintentionally even tried 70’s porno (you can’t shave what you can’t see). When I was younger, I used to shave it entirely off, but to be entirely honest, I have felt like I was too old for that since my 20’s. Maybe it’s time to update my look.
You know how they have those books at hair salons? The ones that show the different styles you can pick from? Why don’t they have those for pubic hair? Can you imagine that? You take your kid to Supercuts for a back to school haircut, and he shows you a photo of a pubic patch shaved into the shape of Mickey Mouse and says “I want that one mommy!”
So, that’s the general quandary that I go through every time I break out the wax strips. Is it time to move on from the landing strip? Do I look like one of those 58 year olds that shop at Forever 21? Is it time to mature into the Dorito? Then I just say fuck it and shave it into a lightning bolt, because I am just that awesome.
You ever been with someone who has their pubic hair shaved into a lightening bolt? They take of their pants and its like “BAM!” Then you start to wonder if they did it specifically for you, or if they just regularly do the lightening bolt, and either way, you’re weirded out. The glamour really wears off, the more you think about it.
Also, did you know that it’s incredibly hard to dye pubic hair? Turns out the follicles are too thick and the color either doesn’t take, or looks weird. Think Samantha’s bozo bush in Sex in the City. There is actually a place you can go to buy pubic hair dye, called Betty. Betty is an award winning site, indicating that the pubic hair dye market is competitive enough to hold contests.
Finally, I can’t write an article about pubic hair without taking about the merkin. A merkin is a pubic wig. Maybe you lost the hair down there due to cancer, maybe your just looking to dress it up for Easter Sunday. Whatever reason, there is a wig available that sticks to your incredibly sensitive private area using industrial strength adhesive! Finally! Seriously though, if I lost my hair down there, I would consider it a silver lining, but to each their own.
I’ll probable just stick with the landing strip. I’m used to it. I can do it without having to have any wounds cauterized. And the biggest benefit of all? For some reason, the landing strip just makes it look faster.
*fake name and I might have made up the story. I don’t know. I drink a lot.