Essa Gives More Unsolicited Advice on Picking Up Chicks

We added a few new members to my group of friends this year. Ones of the male persuasion . One is a hilarious Greek guy who I’m pretty sure is retired from a career of dropping bodies in the east river. One may or may not be an aging professional gigolo. The final one is a guy I’ll call Brandon*. He is the everyman. He’s the guy who doesn’t have a super cool story to tell. He’s young, so he doesn’t have a lot of life experience. On a scale of 1 to 10, he falls in at an absolute average.

But he could make it work. In fact, any guy can make it work. It’s not about looks or cool stories. Truth be told, once your 10 minutes into your 10th story of the evening, our minds are glazing over and we’re thinking about shoes.

Based on what I’ve seen with Brandon, as well as every other ‘everyman’ friend that I’ve had through the years, I think a few minor tweaks could drastically improve their game. So, to all my everyman friends out there, I’ve compiled a list of helpful tips to keep you from dying a virgin.

If you are over the age of 30, never use the phrase ‘let’s do shots’ again. Here’s the thing, if you’re screaming at me, ‘let’s do shots!’ ten minutes into meeting me, I fully expect your next question to be if I charge by the hour. The same thing goes for requests for me to dance on the table or make out with my friends in front of you. I’m not a lesbian but I am a terrible dancer. Neither of those things is changing because you suggested it.

Never allow your male friends to ‘talk you up’ to a girl. Guys often make the mistake of trying to help their friends by telling the prospect what a ‘great guy’ he is and how he’s ‘one of your best friends’.  While your drunk friend is saying that, we’re hearing, ‘this is my friend. He’s really desperate and I question his ability to pick up a chick on his own. There’s something wrong with him. Please throw him a pity lay’.  Keep your wingmen in order. Talk-ups are not helpful. Notice how you never see the hot, rich guy with the nice car getting talked up by his wingmen. Why? Because they know he doesn’t need it.

Don’t waste time on an uninterested prospect. If the girl is ignoring you, interrupting you, or tells you she has a boyfriend in the first 3 minutes of meeting you, she’s not interested. Move on. In fact, give yourself a five minute time frame with any girl, whether she’s interested in you or not. Then walk away for a few minutes. Nothing seems more desperate than the helicopter pick up. If you just cling to the hottest girl in the bar all night, chances are, she’s just going to get annoyed and eventually take a trip to the bathroom that she never returns from.

Don’t be a pussy, make the first move.  Men are supposed to be the hunters; it’s biological. That’s why the guy who approaches girls first gets girls first. If we pick you up, it turns us into the man. Nothing murders my libido like having to do the hunting. Unless I’m drunk, then its open season.

Don’t try to be something you’re not. If you’re a geek, embrace it. Talking like a thug or acting like a frat boy just rings false when your really a white, 140 pound technical support rep. Contrary to popular belief, girls don’t like assholes. We like confidence. Nothing screams low self esteem like acting fake. Like wizards or civil war reenactments? Talk about it. Talk about the shit you care about, but do it in moderation. If she has no idea what “Magic the Gathering” is, don’t spend 45 minutes explaining the finer points of keyword abilities.

Make good use of eye contact. When you’re speaking, focus on her eyes and not her boobs. Her boobs can only tell you if the room is cold.   Her eyes will tell you if she’s bored, not focused or not interested. See more on eye contact here.

Hopefully, I’ve given a few things to mull over today as the every-men wander out the door, hopeful that this New Years will be better that the last.  May your New Years Eve be everything you dreamed it could be and more. If you’re truly lucky, you just might wake up in an apartment you don’t recognize on the first day of 2013!

* Name changed based on the fact that I have been watching an old school 90210 marathon


6 Comments on “Essa Gives More Unsolicited Advice on Picking Up Chicks”

  1. Words of pure wisdom. I am very thankful to not be in the dating game but if I were I would want men to read this. Hell, I wanted the guy on the train today to have read this. Of course, he was still drunk from NYE celebrations and really thought he was on to something when he called that young woman who asked to be left alone a ‘scumbag, ugly, whore’. That phrase alone would have had my ankles behind my ears back in the day…oh hang on, that would have been tequila.

  2. You have nailed the advice for the year! Now we just need for all those average guys out there to read it. I will save it so my grandson, who though perfect in my eyes will likely be an ‘everyman’ some day, can read it when he joins the dating pool.

    Happy New Year.

  3. bossymoksie says:

    Good points! Being confident and not fake is tha main thing!
    And I hate the ‘talk you up’. I’m always thinking, ‘if the guy is so awesome, then why isn’t HE the one in front of me being awesome?’ Red flag.

    • essaalroc says:

      That is exactly what I think! My friend’s uncles are constantly trailing after him in bars, clutching on to every girl he talks to so they can drone on about what a great guy he is. Its actually really creepy and they won’t accept the fact that their cock blocking him when they do it!

  4. benzeknees says:

    Oh, how I wish more men would read these tips!

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