Holiday Thoughts, Stripper Glitter and What’s to Come

Every year around this time, I have a holiday tradition that I like to take part in. I like to wait until the last minute to go Christmas shopping because I am both cheap and disorganized. So every year,with only days left until Christmas, I take my son and I go shopping for my mother.

For those who don’t know, she’s a New Hampshire/Florida snowbird and for six months out of the year, she lives with me. She is the reason that I get mail from AARP and the scooter store. She and my dog have a lot in common. They’re both little, they both fall asleep several times a day, and they’re both fascinated with squirrels.

Anywho, I never know what to get her. She always asks for the crappiest presents.

Mom: Oh, you know what I need? Some more Borax.
Me: Mom, Borax isn’t a present.
Mom:  You sure?
Me: Yup.
Mom: Ok, I’ll think of another one then. (Tilts her head.) You know we’re running low on milk.
Me: (physically painful eyeroll) Gift card it is.

I mean Jesus. So every year, I drag my son to the mall and we do some seriously disorganized, half-hearted shopping. It’s hard to shop for the kind of person who thinks a grocery list qualifies as a present list. Logan and I always focus on two things. We get her a box of chocolates (that we are sure to eat on her behalf a few days after she opens them) and we get her lotion. We go to the Bath & Body works store where I drop $50 on some candles that say things like “Fresh Cotton”, but really smell like “Hippy Van”.

And I get some stripper glitter.

That’s a yearly tradition too. See, my white trash roots refuse me to turn down anything with glitter. So, for the month of January, 2013, I will be covered in a layer of stripper glitter that will be blinding to look at. No joke, I will be visible from space. It won’t fade until I stop caring about my looks again. That happens several times during the year. I fade into a haggard, sweatpants wearing beast of a thing. I consider it my cocoon period. I’m only resting until its time to burst out of my shell as a beautiful butterfly.

Covered in stripper glitter.

I’m looking forward to January. Not just because New Years Eve will be a place to wear my new stripper glitter, but because I know 2013 is going to be a good year. It’s the make it or break it period for me and I’m pretty sure I’m going to make it.

If so, you’re all invited to my strippers and coke party. Dress as your favorite literary figure for $5 off the cover. Date TBD. I’ll be the girl covered in stripper glitter.


10 Comments on “Holiday Thoughts, Stripper Glitter and What’s to Come”

  1. I just envisioned you in stripper glitter, Essa, and almost had an orgasm! Damn, and I was going to wait until after midnight! My dog and parents have a lot in common, too. They’re all old, grouchy and loud. My dog is more civilized, though.

  2. Halloween is my excuse to dress like a hoe…I think I will adopt your Xmas tradition of stripper glitter. Why not? It’s festive, it’s cheap and it’s fun! Thanks for the tip.

  3. We must be related. I am mesmerized by all things shiny. I find glitter irresistible, much to the embarrassment of my daughter. Though I’m past my expiration date to do the stripper thing. Yeah, that would clear the room fast!

  4. Great post. One of your best. Brought home the fun and often insanity of a different family. Thanks for the laughs. We’re over in Destin til the end of the year, (in the pan handle of Florida) and Christmas hasn’t really touched here yet. Probably never will. Have a great new year.

  5. Jenny says:

    Wear your stripper glitter with pride! Shiny ho from space, I salute you.

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