A Love Letter
Posted: December 17, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, humor, life, love, love letter, writing 16 Comments »With the holiday season in full swing, I really wanted to take the opportunity to express my deep love and appreciation for one individual who has changed my life. This person has made my days easier and my existence better. Because of my deep, unconditional love for this person, I don’t feel the need to hide my deep affection for him. So I am posting an online love letter to him, with the hopes that fate will allow him to stumble onto it.
Dear Indian Guy Who Owns the Ghetto Gas Station that Sells Bongs by My House,
I just wanted to say thanks you for, well, everything. It’s not about one major thing that you’ve done, but a collection of the little things, that make you so incredibly awesome.
I remember the first time we met. I came in wearing two different shoes and a pair of sweatpants with penguins on them. You smiled at me through the shine of a skull-shaped, multi-chamber, 2 foot bong and it was love at first site. You didn’t judge me as I purchased a 12 pack and 11 Slim Jims at 8 am on a Tuesday morning. I appreciated that.
I appreciate the fact that you continue to sell boiled peanuts even though no one wants them, and they go on, sitting in that greasy brownish water until you throw them out. You know they’ll be rejected, but you still hope, day after day. Because you believe in your peanuts, even if no one else does.
Thank you for naming your gas station ‘Gas Station’, because that really gets to the point, doesn’t it? Who the hell needs silly names when you can just be succinct? I’m not going to the “Kangaroo” or the “7-11”. I’m just going to the ‘Gas Station’. Thanks for not fancying it up and turning into one of those snobs like at the 7-11.
I appreciate the fact that you continue to hit on me, even though I’ve never been anything that resembles attractive when I came into your store. I think we both know from my purchases that I am a train wreck of a person and I appreciate the daily confidence boost.
Thanks for occasionally hooking me up with weed. I mean, it shwag weed, but still, A for effort. On the flip side, thanks for occasionally accepting weed as legal tender. While we disagree on the value of one incredibly dank hydro nugget from up north, it’s nice to know you’re willing to negotiate.
Thanks for not getting mad when I hurled in your parking lot. Oh, by the way, it was me that hurled in your parking lot.
Thanks for laughing at that slightly racist statement I made about the grape cigars you are selling. I noticed they are selling like hot cakes. Well done.
In conclusion, I know my love is unrequited. The only reason you are so nice to me is because my regular cigarette and alcohol purchases are putting your children through college. But thanks anyway. You brighten my day and you are truly making the world a better place one boiled peanut at a time.
Love,
Essa Alroc
I want that gas station in my town. Damn.
It is by far, the finest gas station in the world.
Hilarious!
thank you. Now I can only pray that he reads it. <3
Ah, a true love story. Brought a tear to m’eye. Like Romeo and Juliet with less death and more chronic.
I love your bit about naming it Gas Station, you’re so right! There is a gas station near me called “Four Brothers” and I’m not a fan. When I say “I’m going to Four Brothers” it sounds so cool, like maybe I’m heading to a deli owned by four handsome Italian brothers. Not the case.
That is the worst kind of false advertising.
While traveling through Oklahoma on business back in the spring of 2005, I encountered one small-town convenience store / gas station called “Kum n’ Go.” I thought, ‘Now, they tell me!’
Essa, you crack me up! I read your post about hate mail at least once every couple of days, and it’s still funny! By the way, how’s “Angels” coming along? Are you gonna hit your deadline?
yeah, but just barely. I still have some sections to write, but its with my proofreader now so I’m waiting.
This is by far the best love letter I have read in a decade, perhaps two
Never have I had the pleasure of reading a love letter so eloquently written from a place deep inside a person’s alcohol-soaked, cigarette-stained heart. Well done, you. I hope he reads it and your love is finally requited.
Thanks for making me laugh. It’s been a rough week and reading this was like medicine for the soul. BTW, just finished The Apology, which I loved, especially the alpaca element! Your character Sal is a hoot. Just bought Strangely Sober. Consider me a fan.
Thanks, The apology was a short that came to me after one of my friends got a visit from a guy who used to bully him in high school. Problem was, my friend couldn’t remember the guy at all! Turns out, he’d actually bullied his little brother. Hope you like Strangely. That book is my baby.
I’m sure I’ll love it. I read a lot of Indie work since I bought my Kindle. Your book is a stand out, well written and a real page turner. I’m sure I’ll enjoy Strangely Sober and the new one that you have coming out soon. I’ll be getting that one as well! My daughter too. She’s the one who introduced me to your blog, so it’s only fair that I gift her with your other books.
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