Yeah, get it. Hate mail I mean. Not a ton, but the occasional angry email or comment on my page. I consider it a hazard of the profession…the profession of being awesome. Haters gonna hate, nothing I can do about that. I actually get enough hate mail to require a folder for it in my email. It was supposed to be labeled ‘threats’ but I missed the ‘h’ and labeled it ‘treats’ instead. It seems to work, so I’m leaving it.
However, in my interest in helping everyone do everything better (even sending me anonymous threats and hate mail on the internet), let me give all the haters out there some tips and tricks to help you hate me just a little bit better.
1. Get my fucking gender right. For the last goddamn time, I am a GIRL! Seriously, shift your eyes slightly to the right and you will see my smoking hot picture. Just because I’m hilarious doesn’t mean that I have a penis. I will take your angry diatribes and threats a lot more seriously if you actually use the right gender when you’re calling me names.
2. Why do you all keep offering to send me pictures of yourself? Seriously, I get this offer in every angry comment. Why the hell would I need your picture? Is it to show me how scary and threatening you are? Is it so I can carry it around in my wallet and show it to strangers that I meet on the bus? “Oh, this is Jack. He sends me hate mail on the internet.” Look, I know what you fucking look like. You look like the kind of person who sends someone drunken threats at 3 in the morning. Sweaty, balding, missing teeth and at least forty pounds overweight.
3. This is an IP address. IP: 18.104.22.168, 99-7-40-21.lightspeed.rcsntx.sbcglobal.net. I’m bringing that up because any comment you send me comes with that attached (usually along with a fake or real email address). Even if I don’t approve the comment, it still has your IP address attached to it. There’s nothing you can do about that. I just thought you’d like to know that you’re not as anonymous as you think you are.
4. Try reading the article before you get pissed off about it. A lot of my hate mail comes from this post “No, You Don’t Have PTSD, You’re Just a Pussy”. Yeah, I know. The title is inflammatory. It’s supposed to be. If I didn’t want people to read my blog, I’d post knitting tips and brownie recipes. If you would actually read the fucking article, you might just find that all the retarded points you’re trying to make in your rambling, moderately incoherent response have already been made IN MY ARTICLE. Read, then respond, not the other way around, you fucking idiot.
5. I’m not afraid of you. Threats to do me bodily harm or dare me to call you a name to your face mean shit to me. I have a license to carry and an itchy trigger finger. If you could manage to get your four hundred pound ass off the computer chair and somehow actually track me down, then show up at my house, you can fully expect to leave in a bag, with a few more holes than you showed up with. Seriously, it wouldn’t even be a chore. Killing an idiot is on my bucket list.
6. Keep your angry pissed off comments short. If you’re posting a six paragraph response filled with four letter words, do you really think I’m reading it? No, I’m deleting it. That’s another thing you may notice. I actually moderate my board. Essaland is not a democracy. It’s a dictatorship. If you want to write angry ramblings on the internet, start your own damn blog. I know it’s not the same, because people actually read my page and no one is going to yours, but I can’t help that. My blog is not your sounding board. It’s mine and it’s doing great without your opinions.
7. I don’t give a shit about your personal problems. If you’re taking issue with something I’ve written because you think it might vaguely apply to you; guess what, that’s why I wrote it. If you have a problem with me making fun of you because you’re faking PTSD to get social security disability, or you wound up on my page because you were looking for child pornography, I’m fucking GLAD you’re offended. I don’t need a 12 page explanation on why I don’t understand your problems because I don’t care about your problems. Saying it again; I don’t care about your problems.
8. Fucking spell check. That’s right, spell check. If every other word in your post is spelled wrong, I’m not reading it. I’m correcting it and sending it back for you to do over.
In conclusion, if your going to send me hate mail, that’s fine. Just do it right. In addition, if you are reading this post and feel the urge to post a 16 page comment on what a cunt (that’s right, cunt, not asshole or dick) I am, rest assured, I will make sure that it is promptly deleted…right after I post your email in the NSA section of Craigslist with a request for as many cock pictures as possible.