You know what slogan I hate? “Lifetime: Television for Women.” While I do enjoy the occasional show in the network (Snapped, anyone?) I do not consider this my network and I find it presumptuous that they dare associate themselves with me simply based on the fact that I have a vagina.
It’s not the shows that are my problem. It’s the horrible, horrible movies. Every single one is designed to be a completely clichéd piece of shit. Not only do they dare to irritate me with clichés, they love to cash in on mass hysteria as well, frequently bringing us shows about the dangers of sexting, internet perverts, avian bird flu and whatever topic is popular in inspiring fear in everyone because it happened to one kid in some rural Idaho town.
However, some chicks must love this shit because Lifetime has been spewing out one clichéd mess after another since I was 12. As such, I have decided to totally sell out and write a movie for them. Enjoy.
Love Comes A Knocking…From the Pervert Next Door
A Women’s Empowerment/Moment of Truth/Girl Power/Vagina Fest Production
Starring Tracy Gold and the creepy blond guy with no eyebrows, who is kind of hot, but also looks like a serial killer
Alexandria is a sexy single mom who works at a magazine and is just trying to make it in the city. She is overworked and under appreciated and she has no time for a love life. Even though her mother (played by Judge Judy) is constantly harassing her to settle down and find someone nice, she still is unable to hook a man. Alexandria is just too much of a busy ball breaker to date a man. She’s too busy working at the magazine, with a boss who sexually harasses her regularly, and caring for her two children.
Alexandria is divorced from her husband, because he used to hire prostitutes on Craigslist and then kill them. He was also abusive and addicted to meth, so she has trouble trusting men. This leaves her two daughters with no father figure. Her youngest, Cassie (played by Isabella Acres) is precocious, but streetwise, and spits out a new catchphrase every fifteen seconds. Her oldest, Brittney (played by Miranda Cosgrove) is the head cheerleader at her school, but has recently become the subject of internet bullying due to the fact that she texted a nude picture to her internet boyfriend Steven (played by Gary Busey), who actually turned out to be a 60 year old man.
Due to the incident, and her subsequent suicide attempt, Brittney is sent to live with her no nonsense, spry, young at heart granny, Esmeralda (played by Betty White) in a small rural town that actually still has farms. (Also, they’re Amish. Let’s just throw that in there too.) There, Brittney learns the meaning of inter-generational love, a hard day’s work and foils an evil land developers plan to knock down the old folks home at Christmas time to build a parking lot.
Back in LA, Alexandria continues to regularly work for her evil, lazy womanizing boss, Nick (played by um, fuck, who really needs money?…Charlie Sheen). In an attempt to win a major business deal, Nick is forced to pretend to have a wife and family. That’s where Alexandria and Cassie come in. In exchange for the promotion she’s been angling for, Alexandria agrees to pretend to be his wife for one night.
Unfortunately, some kind of ridiculous wackiness ensues and Alexandria and her precociously adorable daughter are forced to move in with Nick in order to convince the Japanese investors (played by a bunch of tourists I found at Disneyland) that their marriage is legit. The two get in all kinds of shenanigans that cause them to grow closer. (I don’t know; something about getting stuck in an elevator together and knocking some stuff over at the mall. Whatever. We’ll do it montage style). They fall in love. Alexandria learns to trust again. Nick learns about the unconditional love that he couldn’t accept because he never got it from his alcoholic mother. They all learn the true meaning of Christmas.
Unfortunately, their troubles aren’t over. Nick’s evil, identical twin, Mick (also played by Betty White), comes to town, hell-bent on destroying Nick’s newfound happiness. He moves in next door and pretends to be nice, meanwhile exhibiting shifty eyes and smiling evilly whenever he thinks no one is looking. He also sets up cameras in the couple’s home and watches Alexandra shower, go to the bathroom and play with that weird mole on her neck that won’t go away. After it’s discovered that the evil Mick has been molesting Cassie, Alexandria confronts Mick at his office.
It culminates into a rooftop scene where Nick, Mick and Alexandria are stuck in a deadlock. Alexandria has the gun that Nick and Mick were fighting over. She doesn’t know who to shoot, because for some completely unknown reason, they are dressed exactly the same. Finally, she asks a question that only Nick could know the answer to.
“Why do they sterilize a death row inmates arm before they administer a lethal injection shot?”
The real Nick answers the question correctly and Alexandria shoots Mick. She races into Nicks arms, throwing her arms around him. Just as he leans in to hug her, the credits start rolling…and he smiles evilly while shifting his eyes.
So, apparently, anyone can do this shit. Tracy Gold, give me a call when you’re ready to negotiate the terms. Unless you’ve gotten fat again. Otherwise, I’ll have to call Danica McKellar.