How Not to Kill Your Husband

So I have spent the majority of my Sunday watching a delightful series called “Snapped”. For those of you out there who haven’t spent most of your Sunday watching Lifetime (probably all of my male readers) I’ll give you a synopsis.

Woman gets sick of male family member, usually a husband or boyfriend. Woman comes up with a detailed plan for offing said family member. Woman makes a stupid mistake during offing. Woman gets arrested and goes to jail.

Again, in my desire to help everyone do everything better, regardless of legality, I think I can help. Below, please find a listing of constructive criticism and helpful tips when considering offing a friend or family member.

1. Do not enlist the help of your weakest willed or stupidest friend. This always ends in disaster. Think of it this way. If you are capable of browbeating someone into killing a person with you, then the cops are capable of browbeating that person into turning informant against you. If you need a hand, then hire professional. Personally, I find a copy of “Soldier of Fortune” magazine to be an excellent way of finding the right independent contractor for all my wet work needs.

2. Never use your personal computer to look up any of the following items;

• Poisons
• How to dispose of a body
• How to find a hit-man
• Life insurance terms
• Directions to swamps, landfills or vacant lots

If you have already screwed up (chances are, if a Google search term brought you to this page, you did), don’t worry. Not all is lost. Don’t waste your time deleting browser history and temp files. When the cops impound your computer, their going straight to your hard drive, where those annoying little files exist forever. Instead, you must take out your hard drive. Some people would recommend using acids or intense heat to destroy a hard drive, but there is a much easier way to get rid of it, and still make it look like an accident. All those magnets on your refrigerator? They just found a new home on your computer tower. Yeah, your computer is going to be destroyed. But what sounds worse? Spending $400 on a replacement on eBay, or spending the next 60 years in prison?

3. Do NOT make any major financial changes or take out any insurance policies within the 6 months prior to the ‘accident’. That just screams motive. Yes, you’re in a hurry to cash in on the double indemnity clause, but good things come to those who wait. Be patient.

4. Try to make it look like an accident. Watch a few episodes of “Dexter” to get an idea of how blood spatter works. If you’re faking an intruder, don’t be a pussy. Give yourself more than a superficial wound but avoid any major organs. You don’t want to turn your well planned homicide into an accidental murder suicide.

5. If everything has worked out and you’ve been able to cash in on your insurance policy, don’t get lazy or do anything to arouse suspicion. Wait a year before moving in a boyfriend or getting those size F implants you’ve always wanted. Above all, don’t do it again. Nothing draws more suspicion that a woman with a long string of dead husbands.

Of course, I’ve just broken all my own rules when writing this column. However, as I was smart enough to never get married in the first place, I don’t have anyone in need of immediate ‘offing’ and I genuinely hope I won’t in the future, because now I can’t. So let my sacrifice by your guide. Happy hunting everyone.