Month: June 2012
This week’s blog will be a relatively directionless summary of my recent musings and observations. Enjoy.
1. Holding the door for people is stupid and its results in far more trouble than its worth. A couple of weeks ago, a man at my office saw me walking into the building and held the door open for me…from 300 feet away. Of course, the guy was waiting for me for an awkward amount of time and I had to do that running/walk thing so he didn’t have to wait too long. Guess what sucks more than opening a door myself? Running in three inch heels. Just go the fuck inside already.
2. There is no valid reason that the exam table at my gastroenterologist’s office has stirrups. Ladies, you know what I mean by stirrups. Those metal pieces that hold your ankles while your gynecologist gets ready to insert a speculum that’s always four sizes too big. Why the hell does my stomach doctor have a table with those on it? Like she is just going to say “fuck the digestive tract” one day and start giving out pap smears instead? I just don’t understand the need for stirrups. I’m there to have my ulcer looked at. If the end she’s going in requires the use of stirrups, she’s certainly getting at in in a roundabout way.
3. Nothing bad will happen whatsoever if we all completely ignore Obamacare. For people who want a condensed version, Obama’s universal healthcare plan tightenes restrictions on what insurance companies charge, forces employers to provide insurance, and makes insurance plans available for the general public. If you fail to take advantage of one of these and don’t get insurance you will be charged roughtly a $700 fine. Guess what happens if you fail to pay this fine? Absolutely-fucking-nothing. See, the retards in congress made the rule, but they didn’t make a way to enforce it. The IRS doesn’t have the manpower, and the republicans are going to be fighting it so much, theres always going to be a million little legal loopholes. So they’ve created a law, that if you break it, nothing happens. What the fuck were we fighting about again?
4. Any person over thirty, riding a bike while wearing jeans, has an OUI. You know I’m right.
5. I would do a five-way with One Direction. I should be in prison, I know. They’re like what? Fourteen? I am a sick, sick perve. No wonder my website is a hotbed for child pornography searchers.
6. No one at a Denny’s at 3 am is sober, not even the waitresses.
7. The cashier at my convenience store needs to shut the fuck up about lung cancer statistics. Hey, cashier? Know why I’m not going to take life advice from you? Because you’re a 45 year old cashier. I’m guessing you didn’t make the right life choices, considering your current position and I would thank you to shut the hell up about my smoking habit. It keeps me thin and it makes me look cool. I’m not quitting.
For some reason, the drunker I get, the more attractive I get. It’s like having reverse beer goggles.
9. The word “shenanigans” does not get nearly as much use as it should. Its fun to say and it means something fun. Why are we not using it more?
10. Lists don’t feel done unless they’re completed in an even number. When was the last time you saw a list titled “The Top 9 Things You Didn’t Know About David Tuterra” or “The Top 7 Most Awkwardly Named Pornography’s of All Time”?
This video was the worst thing I’ve seen since 2 Girls 1 Cup, and it didn’t even involve nudity.
That lady is Karen Klein, of Greece, NY, who spent a full ten minutes being verbally berated in a way that would make Lisa Lampenelli cringe during a celebrity roast…by a bunch of 12 year olds. Happily she is now seventy thousand dollars richer (and growing) thanks to those little bastards. Immediately after that video’s release, a donation site was set up so that poor woman will never have to do that job again. Even more wonderfully, an all time internet hate on was declared for the four kids involved, with their names and home phone numbers being released on sites like Reddit and Facebook.
I imagine their learning the true meaning of karma now, as hundreds of thousands of random crazies fill their emails with graphic descriptions of things they would do with their various orifices. I’m not speculating. Apparently, police had to be stationed at their houses due to the reaction of the public in general.
Most people see this video and go, “kids these days, the world is going to hell”. I watch this video and see four idiotic kids who thought they were being funny, and then I see 300,000 comments that disagree. The exception doesn’t prove the rule.
Those four are hardly the cream of the crop. Their our future grocery baggers and welfare parents. They can’t help it if they have no skill at comedy and have to resort to berating the elderly to feel important. Their only in junior high and they’ve already peaked. Hell, if everyone had promise, the world would be filled with doctors and lawyers and I’d have no one to deliver my pizza.
I don’t have any concern for the kids of the future, because I know those little pricks are the anomalies. My kid would never do something like that, mainly because he’s nice, but also because he knows I would smother him in his sleep with a pillow if he did.
As long as there are parents like me who are willing to smother their children, I think the world is going to be just fine.
I have reached an elevated status as a new blogger. I am beginning to show up higher in google search results and am getting more traffic directed to my site by search engines. Seeing that 90% of my views yesterday were a result of internet searches, I decided to check and see what fantastic meta tags were driving people to my site.
You people are perverts.
Now, in the dildo searchers defense, they were probably just searching for a news story. That definitely sounds like it could be a Florida news story. Hell, that’s sounds like a daily Florida occurrence. God I love this state.
However, I’m not comfortable with that fact that someone came across my site while they were looking for “child whore(s)”. I decided to check to see if it was an anomaly by running my stats since I started this site a month ago.
Awesome. Three out of five of the top search results driving traffic to my site involve some kind of child pornography.
It’s always been my dream to go viral. To have thousands of people reading my work. For the name “Essa Alroc” to be instantly recognized.
However, I can’t say that my goal involved getting there by being synonymous with kiddie porn.
I guess I should be proud. Why? Because every second some confused pedophile was clicking around my site, looking for dirty pictures they weren’t finding, they weren’t victimizing some kid.
It also occurs to me that the keywords in this posting alone are going to flood my website with a million views from child molesters and sex offenders. Some would be upset by this.
Being the young go getter that I am, I’m going to take this as an opportunity.
******NOTICE TO THOSE WHO FOUND THIS PAGE WHILE LOOKING FOR CHILD PORNOGRAPHY ******
You know how counselors tell people ‘there’s never a good reason to commit suicide’? I disagree. The second you start getting off thinking about little kids is the second you should consider doing the world a favor and opening a vein. If you had any friggen decency at all, immediately after reading this sentence, you would go to your kitchen, find the drain cleaner you keep under the sink, and pour yourself a hefty shot.
I hope you get cancer in your private parts.
On a completely different note, I would like to say it is an honor to be regularly associated with the anti-voting movement. Stay Home and Don’t 2012!
I was delighted to learn that that I had be nominated for my very own Sunshine award by the by the engagingly angry Ms. BossyMoksie. Finally, my genius is recognized. One small step in my plan for world domination. [Insert Evil Laugh]
Of course, I am expected to share ten things about myself, which I will do in the following one sentence, in order of the information you could get on my blog anyway. I am a forgetful libertarian military veteran, who hates and performs poorly at my job in insurance, with a child, a babies daddy, a mother, a brother and a 9 pound dog.
Now, I have to hand out props to all the kickass bloggers I’ve found in my time here. In order of whom I imagine to be taller;
I don’t know why, I just assume he is tall. Also, I bet he yells at the news, because I yell at the news. I feel like we’re kindred spirits. http://chiefwritingwolf.com/
This guy. A little off the beaten path, but I always learn something. http://marriagecoach1.com/
Always good for a laugh, and I’m assuming he’s about 5’9” http://gswaterman.wordpress.com/
I found a few of my new favorite musicians from this guy; http://www.hereinaid.com/
The name says it all. http://loveandlunchmeat.com/
I agree, I do laugh cry and cringe when I read this one. http://thiscrazinessicallnormal.wordpress.com/
The most hilarious Nigerian princess ever. http://funnyortragic.wordpress.com/
The current caretaker of Amelia Earhart’s cryogenically frozen body http://shutupdad.wordpress.com/
She already got one, but I feel like her stuff needs to be read, http://jodiambroseblog.com/
An enjoyable blog and my very first follower; http://prolixities.wordpress.com/
If nominated, you are entering a legally binding agreement to create a post of 10 things about yourself, and create the next winners list for the Sunshine award. Notify your 10 favorite bloggers about it on their blog so they can claim their major awarda. No, its not a leg lamp, its a picture of a flower with the word ‘sunshine’ on it. You also agree to allow me to harvest the organ of my choice from you or one of your family members.
It is an honor to be recognised for my incredible amount of chrisma, charm and ability to sneeze with my eyes open. You’re welcome World.
We’ve all seen one. You’re innocently logging into Facebook, getting ready to plant some vegetables on your fake farm, when you’re accosted by way too much information from someone you barely know.
Seriously, I’ve seen people fight, threaten divorce, talk about medical issues and other things with the same level of intimacy I only share with my gynecologist. Guys, come on. I don’t need to know that much shit about you.
The status update is just that “an update.” If you’ve spanned more than one paragraph, you’re no longer writing an update. You’re writing a novel.
And it’s a novel most of us don’t want to read.
For example, one from awhile back;
What? Who the fuck was that? David Carradine? I didn’t know we were FB buddies. Also, didn’t you die from some auto-erotic sexual asphyxiation awhile back? What are you doing on my Facebook page?
Please leave the family drama off your status update. Do you drag perfect strangers in when you’re having a fight with your boyfriend at WalMart? The why are you doing it on Facebook? Do what everyone else does and drink your anger away, then slip over to his house in the middle of the night and key his car.
Speaking of drinking;
You know whats more annoying than a bible thumper? A bible thumper who’s also in AA.
Listen, its Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason. It’s supposed to be anonymous. That’s not for you, it’s for the rest of us. Because we don’t want to follow you up every one of those twelve steps. Most of us would prefer the elevator over those constant talks about “validation” and “codependency”.
I know there are people out there who really have a problem. They need AA and I get that. But people who feel the need to share every flipping moment of their sobriety with a group of 500 people are wearing that “alcoholic” title like a status symbol. It’s not about the sobriety. Its about the attention they get because of it.
There should be a group called Attention Whores Anonymous for them.
Unfortunately, the last time someone tried to make one, they wound up giving them a reality show instead.
***Status updates were real, but names have been changed so as not to give them anymore of the attention they crave so badly.
Finally, I am a bad ass fugitive. A criminal. I’m going to have to change my name, go on the run, hideout in sleazy bars in Liberty City. I’ll have to hustle other criminals in poker and pool, and get into knife fights when they find out I’ve only been pretending to be bad at the game.
I actually really am bad at both games, but am assuming that my skills suddenly increased as soon as I started my criminal lifestyle. I also know how to play spades now.
How did I gain my new criminal mastermind status, you might ask? Well, it’s all because of one bitch.
Sophia, as pictured above, is my pet fugitive partner in crime. We got her a few months ago, but never registered her with the office. Now, I have received a 7 day notice to vacate , indicating that rebels like me and my canine friend are persona non grata.
Of course, my other option is registering her and paying a fine. But that just seems like so much paperwork.
So I’ve opted for the life of crime. There’s no stopping us now. Now that I’ve decided the rules don’t apply, all bets are off. It won’t be long before me and Sophia shaking down drug cartel and killing people with impunity. I’ve even begun looking on the internet for instructions on how to make a pipe bomb. So far, I’ve only been able to find how to make a pipe organ, so I think I might make one of those instead.
I might be offline for awhile, at least until I hook up with a network of high tech hackers in a bid to take over the nuclear missile silos of the US government. After that, I promise to update my blog and twitter account regularly.