This week’s blog will be a relatively directionless summary of my recent musings and observations. Enjoy.
1. Holding the door for people is stupid and its results in far more trouble than its worth. A couple of weeks ago, a man at my office saw me walking into the building and held the door open for me…from 300 feet away. Of course, the guy was waiting for me for an awkward amount of time and I had to do that running/walk thing so he didn’t have to wait too long. Guess what sucks more than opening a door myself? Running in three inch heels. Just go the fuck inside already.
2. There is no valid reason that the exam table at my gastroenterologist’s office has stirrups. Ladies, you know what I mean by stirrups. Those metal pieces that hold your ankles while your gynecologist gets ready to insert a speculum that’s always four sizes too big. Why the hell does my stomach doctor have a table with those on it? Like she is just going to say “fuck the digestive tract” one day and start giving out pap smears instead? I just don’t understand the need for stirrups. I’m there to have my ulcer looked at. If the end she’s going in requires the use of stirrups, she’s certainly getting at in in a roundabout way.
3. Nothing bad will happen whatsoever if we all completely ignore Obamacare. For people who want a condensed version, Obama’s universal healthcare plan tightenes restrictions on what insurance companies charge, forces employers to provide insurance, and makes insurance plans available for the general public. If you fail to take advantage of one of these and don’t get insurance you will be charged roughtly a $700 fine. Guess what happens if you fail to pay this fine? Absolutely-fucking-nothing. See, the retards in congress made the rule, but they didn’t make a way to enforce it. The IRS doesn’t have the manpower, and the republicans are going to be fighting it so much, theres always going to be a million little legal loopholes. So they’ve created a law, that if you break it, nothing happens. What the fuck were we fighting about again?
4. Any person over thirty, riding a bike while wearing jeans, has an OUI. You know I’m right.
5. I would do a five-way with One Direction. I should be in prison, I know. They’re like what? Fourteen? I am a sick, sick perve. No wonder my website is a hotbed for child pornography searchers.
6. No one at a Denny’s at 3 am is sober, not even the waitresses.
7. The cashier at my convenience store needs to shut the fuck up about lung cancer statistics. Hey, cashier? Know why I’m not going to take life advice from you? Because you’re a 45 year old cashier. I’m guessing you didn’t make the right life choices, considering your current position and I would thank you to shut the hell up about my smoking habit. It keeps me thin and it makes me look cool. I’m not quitting.
For some reason, the drunker I get, the more attractive I get. It’s like having reverse beer goggles.
9. The word “shenanigans” does not get nearly as much use as it should. Its fun to say and it means something fun. Why are we not using it more?
10. Lists don’t feel done unless they’re completed in an even number. When was the last time you saw a list titled “The Top 9 Things You Didn’t Know About David Tuterra” or “The Top 7 Most Awkwardly Named Pornography’s of All Time”?