Today at work I was asked if I would be signing up for our workplaces “day of giving”. Every year, my company takes one day to say screw productivity and engages in a charitable event in order to get photo ops with the local news.
Oh yeah, they also spew some crap about wanting to “give back”.
So tomorrow about 150 of my soft, cubicle bred coworkers will jump in the company bus and head out to do some yard work for needy families in the local community.
Cause that’s just what homeless people need. Landscaping.
Call me crazy, but personally, I think if you have a yard at all, you aren’t needy. You just lack priorities. Namely, food first. Worry about the rock garden later.
Needless to say, I will not be participating. Not only because I’m a bad person, which I am, but also because I think my office has gotten it wrong once again. They’ve picked something frivolous to contribute. Not something these people need, or are going to use in the long term.
Not that I see anything wrong with being frivolous. But, if you’re going to be frivolous, at least be fun! Needy people don’t want hedges and flower gardens. They want booze and big tits, just like anyone else.
That is why I, and a few of my more morally skewed coworkers, have decided to start our own charitable organization. So, without further ado, I present to you;
The First Annual Homeless to Hooters Jamboree
Our itinerary is as follows:
11:00 – Scour the Orlando metro area looking for as many homeless people as we can find and cram them into my Chevy Cobalt.
While a Chevy Cobalt may not seem like the best mode of transport, I know from personal experience that you can fit a minimum of four dead hookers in the trunk. That should equal at least 3 live people.
12:00 – Stop at liquor store, as Hooters does not stock such fine preferred homeless liquors like Mad Dog 20/20 and Schlitz.
1:00 – Arrive at Hooters. Extricate homeless people from my trunk. Obtain tables.
After that, its going to be a mindless whirl of heavy drinking, hula hooping and discussions about the chips the CIA is currently installing in peoples brains. The best part is I don’t have to drop anyone off at home when we’re done, because duh, they don’t have homes.
I know, I’m a saint. You don’t have to thank me. I just like to give back.