I am part of a dying breed. I am one of the last people on earth to not be part of the Do Not Call list.
I don’t really bother. Telemarketers don’t upset me and I rarely pick up my phone. Most times, my cell phone is somewhere in the bottom of my purse, dead because I never charge it.
So today I did something rare. I picked up my phone as a number I had never seen before (323-489-7473) came up on the display. The following is an actual transcript of what happened next.
Mystery Caller: (thick Indian accent) Hello ma’am, this is John, from Microsoft. Who am I speaking with please?
Essa: No fucking way your name is John. Why do Indian people continue to underestimate the intelligence of Americans? Just because we’re fat and lazy doesn’t mean you need to dumb down your names for us. Come on ‘John’ what’s your real name?
‘John’: I assure you, it is John. May I ask who I’m speaking to?
Essa: (eye roll) Haberdashery Vondella Sharoom….but you can call me John.
‘John’: OK, Ms. Sharoom (dude does not like to work off-script) I am calling from Microsoft today because we received a warning about your system. A hacker has tried to gain access to your computer.
Essa: Wow, that’s some excellent customer service. You guys really monitor every computer for hacking attempts? (note to idiots; Microsoft does not monitor your system for anything. They just provide the computers)
‘John’: Yes ma’am, we do.
Essa: Even for my MacBook Pro? Does Apple know you’re doing this?
‘John’: (Clearly not understanding computers…or the limitations of the Patriot Act) Yes ma’am, we do. Now, in order to help…
Essa: Does that mean you guys can see all the porn I download? Because I have to say, I’m a bit uncomfortable with that.
‘John’: No ma’am, we only monitor for hacking attempts.
Essa: What kind of threat are we dealing with here? Like a Denial of Service, SQL Injection, cross-site scripting…?
‘John’: All of those, now if you’ll just…
Essa: Well, that’s good then. Those are website based attacks. You should probably call the webmasters of the sites being hit.
‘John’: Actually ma’am, it is your site being attacked. Now if you will just…
Essa: “Dirty Asian Super Sluts With Weird Birthmarks” is being attacked!?! I’ll kill the bastards!
‘John’: Yes, now if you’ll just go to our site at stopmicrosofthacking.com
Essa: (does nothing) Ok
‘John’: Now, there is a screen where you will need to enter your personal information so we can open a support ticket.
Essa: (types a bunch of random letters on her keyboard so it sounds like she’s going to the site. Her computer isn’t even on) Ok, working on it now. I just have some questions.
‘John’: I am here to help.
Essa: (guesses that they are probably phishing for passwords) Why do you guys need my email password?
‘John:’ To ensure that is has not been compromised.
Essa: Ok. Is it the same reason for my Facebook password?
Essa: Ok, John. Listen, I’m a really slow typist, so what I’m going to do is I’m going to put you on hold. Now, I need you to wait, in case I have questions. I’m not hitting submit until I talk to you again, ok?
‘John’: Ok, I will wait.
Essa: I’m serious John, if you hang up, I’m going to delete everything. I need you to wait.
‘John’: I will be here.
Essa: (leans back in her chair to watch an entire episode of ‘Locked Up Abroad.’ She occasionally takes John off hold, to ask stupid questions like ‘what a middle initial’ is, just to make sure he’s still holding. Finally, after 45 minutes, she takes John off hold) You still there John?
‘John’: Yes, ma’am
Essa: I just have one more question before I submit this.
‘John’: Certainly, what is that?
Essa: How many people do you think I saved from getting taken by your stupid scam while I kept you on hold for 45 minutes?
‘John’: (dead silence)
Essa: Because I think at least 5 would be a fair estimate, but I could be giving you too much credit. How many people do you actually manage to scam in a given day? Give me that number, and I’ll work out a ballpark based on an average for the 45 minutes I had you sitting there, twiddling your thumbs, while I watched people get put in jail who deserved to be there less than you do.
‘John’: (hangs up)
Some people just don’t understand basic telephone courtesy.
Today I read a long, poetically written blog post by a man urging us all to ‘disconnect’ from our wireless, computer driven lifestyle and get out to enjoy nature. The post was approximately 2000 words long and filled with pictures taken by a digital camera.
Dude had somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 likes and 25 comments agreeing with him. All I could do was roll my eyes.
Oh, the hypocrisy…
For established bloggers out there, I ask you to do a little self estimate right now. How much time do you put in per week to update your posts and drive traffic to your page? If your answer is like mine (a fuckload), you are probably going to get where I’m going with this.
Every week, I get a new meme on Facebook about how I should stop spending my time online and instead, go enjoy nature.
Let me break this down. I get a meme from someone who;
- Downloaded Photo Shop onto their computer
- Uploaded or created a ‘nature’ related image
- Typed out a quote about nature or copied some Robert Frost poem that they researched on the internet
- Put it all together on Photo Shop (not a task for amateurs, BTW)
- Uploaded it to their Facebook page with 2000 friends
- Wrote an entire blog post about it
- Did all this without any irony whatsoever, despite the fact that everything they just did required the use of the computer they’ve been telling everyone to get off the whole damn time.
To me, that’s a bit like handing out steaks with ‘become a vegan’ written on them in A1 sauce.
Here’s the thing people; if you were truly a ‘nature’ lover, then you would be outside enjoying nature. You would not spend 4 hours writing a 2000 word post on your established blog with 800 followers, telling everyone else to go outside and enjoy nature. Your love of nature is only surpassed by your love of sniffing your own ass.
Also, stop shoving this ‘nature’ agenda down everyone’s fucking throat. You’re not going to make me feel like a failure because I don’t spend three hours a day appreciating the simple beauty that is the design of a rose. I have more interesting things to do.
Jesus, have these people even seen Japanese anime porn? Trust me; roses got nothing on what lipless Asian lesbian vampires do with tentacle monsters!
Fuck nature. I am not a nature girl. I’m a digital girl. You can’t hack nature. You can’t estimate your tax returns with nature. You can’t look up porn on nature…unless you want to watch a couple of deer doing it. Even then, you have to lure them into doing it with salt lick and doe pee, and it only works from October to January. But with the internet, you can see a video of deer doing it right now!
That wasn’t the only video I found on YouTube either. That was just the first among 30,000 results found with the search phrase ‘deer doing it.’
I look forward to the day when our universe is chrome and glass. I look forward to the day when we’re all driving hover cars and living on space ships. Fuck trees, I want my own robot maid!
I don’t enjoy nature and I’m not going to be guilted into enjoying nature by someone who probably spends more time on the internet than I do. I like the convenience that computers allow, so stop telling me to unplug mine.
If I want to see nature, I’ll fucking Google it.
Everyone in the world knows that the classic film “Reefer Madness” was nothing more than a government propaganda campaign, filled with misinformation, designed to instill mass panic as an excuse to increase the fines on marijuana possession.
If you don’t know that, you are far too stupid to be working my page. Please leave.
My last post included some of my own pro-weed propaganda. Usually, people who disagree with me on my stance on decriminalizing marijuana just ignore me. However, I did receive an anonymous email filled with supposed facts and information disagreeing with me.
It was one of those really obnoxious emails, where all the words were in fucking caps lock and it was twelve paragraphs long. The a-hole even had the audacity to excuse his excessive caps lock with the statement ‘sorry, my caps lock key is stuck.’
For future reference Anonymous, your computer problems are not my problem. Before you expect me to read a fucking email, drop the $20 on a new keyboard. Caps lock is an assault to the eyes. Also, next time, you can change everything to lowercase just by highlighting it all, holding down shift and pressing F3.
Even better anonymous, that helpful little computer tidbit is not all you’re going to learn from me tonight! I’m going to pump you full of forced knowledge by debunking every single one of your ‘facts’ (or FACTS, as you like to scream it).
Marijuana is a gateway drug.
Correlation does not equal cause. While I will agree that marijuana users are about 100 times more likely to try harder drugs, that does not mean marijuana is a gateway drug. Generally, people who have access to marijuana also have access to stronger drugs. This does not make marijuana a ‘gateway’. It just means that they have more access to drugs than people who have never tried them.
If you don’t believe me, check out this quote;
There is no conclusive evidence that the drug effects of marijuana are causally linked to the subsequent abuse of other illicit drugs.
Nope, that wasn’t written by the “High Times”. That was written in a congressional report related to scientific evidence that marijuana is not a gateway drug. The study was conducted by some of our nation’s top scientific researchers…i.e. people who actually know how to turn their fucking caps lock off.
For those who like metaphors, saying that marijuana is a gateway to other illicit substances is like saying living near a Taco Bell is a gateway to obesity.
Marijuana causes brain damage
Actually, Anonymous told me that ‘marijuana causes Brian damage’. Poor Brian. Had I known I was hurting the talking dog in “Family Guy”, I would have just switched to meth.
Seriously though, there has been no conclusive evidence of any long term brain damage related to marijuana use, even habitual marijuana use. The only true evidence is related to short term memory loss that occurs while the person is using. So, if you get high before “Two and a Half Men”, you probably won’t remember the episode the next day.
I actually consider that a plus.
Marijuana is a drug
Yup, it sure is. But based on the loosest definition of drug, i.e.;
a medicine or other substance which has a physiological effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body.
everything is a drug. When you eat food, you stop feeling hungry. That’s a physiological effect. When you breathe air, you stop feeling dizzy from lack of oxygen. That’s a physiological effect.
The fact is, there are far more harmful drugs out there that are considered perfectly legal. Hydrocodone and Oxycodone are highly addictive and widely available with a prescription. Both of those are opium derivatives. You know what else is an opium derivative? Heroin.
So you can get heroin with a prescription, but medicinal weed isn’t recognized as an appropriate medical choice, even though it hasn’t been proven to be physically addictive? I’m calling bullshit.
‘Drug’ doesn’t immediately equal ‘bad’. In fact, many ‘drugs’ help people. Ever heard of penicillin, Anonymous?
Marijuana causes car accidents
I concur. Here’s the problem. When someone gets into a car wreck, they might be tested for alcohol use via a breathalyzer. However, they are rarely tested for marijuana or other drugs, unless the accident causes a fatality.
Even in cases where the user is tested following an accident, there is really no way to know if they smoked immediately before the accident, or a week before. Check out my how to pass a drug test article for more info on that.
There’s no way to know, because there are no laws on the books that list a ‘legal’ threshold. For example, to get charged with drunk driving, the BAC has to be at 0.08 or above in most states. There is a clear cut law that allows officers to charge people with a crime. The law is clear cut because it’s perfectly legal to drink, but it’s not legal to drive drunk.
There is no clear cut threshold for marijuana because marijuana is illegal period. If marijuana were legalized, a clear cut threshold would be set and we would see far more convictions for marijuana related driving offenses. That’s not because more people would smoke marijuana. It’s because the state would actually be able to fucking regulate the use of marijuana while driving.
Marijuana turns people into zombies
I disagree. Marijuana affects the pleasure receptors in a person’s brain, making them more likely to derive pleasure out of simple tasks.
For people like me, who actually have difficulty feeling emotions period, marijuana makes us much more interested in life and willing to participate in new experiences. When I’m using marijuana, I’m far more likely to leave the house, go to the gym, or eat because things are actually interesting again. My pleasure receptors are open, making me want to take part in activities.
Also, if you think that argument is bullshit, I’ll go ahead and announce my case study; Mr. Michael Phelps. Mr. Phelps is the most decorated Olympian of all time…and he’s also a pot smoker.
He was busted in 2009 partaking in the ganja. While he apologized, he also proved to the world that people who participate in recreational marijuana still have the ability excel. Also, here’s a list of noted celebrity marijuana users, along with their net worth, just for posterity.
- Jon Stewart, $80 million
- Bill Maher, $23 million
- Bill Gates, $72 billion
- Lebron James, $110 million
- George Clooney, $180 million
- Lady Gaga, $190 million
- Ted Turner, $2 billion
- Jennifer Aniston, $130 million
- Morgan Freeman, $150 million
- Martha Stewart, $300 million
- Seth McFarland, $150 million
- Maya Angelou, $28 million
- Madonna, $650 million
- High Hefner, $43 million
- Rihanna, $90 million
Who says potheads are lazy?
Marijuana causes cancer
Marijuana is less of a cancer risk than cigarette smoking. In addition, no conclusive studies have been found to date that show any significant increase in lung or other respiratory related cancers. The majority of cancer cases found in marijuana smokers were incidental findings due to the fact that the marijuana smokers also smoked cigarettes.
Also, alcohol and cigarettes both cause cancer, along with a whole host of other diseases, and they are perfectly legal. Invalid point.
In the future Anonymous, know who the fuck you’re dealing with when you send poorly informed emails about the risks of marijuana use. I’m not a lazy pothead in denial. I work 12 hours a day. I’m simultaneously writing 3 new novels and I’m working on a television pilot as we speak.
And I still manage to find the time to be politically involved with the legislation designed to decriminalize marijuana use.
Meanwhile you, Mr. anti-pot smoker, probably work 40 hours a week stocking shelves at a grocery store. When you get home, you spend your time sending people smarter than you all-caps emails filled with misinformation. You might want to ask yourself who’s doing more for the world here.
At this point, I think smoking a joint or two could only help you.
As you all know, I enjoy doing interviews with my fellow bloggers. I particularly like it when I get the opportunity to talk to someone who can help raise the collective IQ of the masses.
Another thing that you might know, that is a little weird, is that I actually like cops. Yes, I am a liberal, drug using, hard partying, law breaking bitch who likes cops. Honestly, I’ve always thought that hating cops is ignorant and childish. These are people who provide our country with a service and protect us from the real assholes out there. They do it for less money than your standard receptionist makes and people hate them for it.
Whenever there is a news story about a cop, 9 times out of 10, it will be bad. It will focus on the 1% of police officers out there who fuck up, while ignoring the 99% who are just trying to do their jobs.
Whenever there is a major crime that makes the news, guaranteed you can scroll down to the comments and see how ‘the cops fucked up’, when they would have had to be psychic to solve the crime in the first place.
When I organize ‘legalize it’ smoke ins, or civil disobedience protests, I don’t get pissed at the cops that put me in cuffs. I get pissed at the politicians who make the rules. The cops and I might not agree on the laws themselves, but it’s not them who make the laws. It’s the politicians. I fight the power, not the enforcers. They don’t hold it against me that I’m a marijuana activist. I don’t hold it against them that they are cops. We are both trying to do our poor paying jobs. Only mine comes with significantly more fringe benefits (free weed).
Granted, some of the guys who have arrested me have been complete douche bags, but that’s not because they’re bad cops. It’s because they’re assholes and they have been assholes since birth. I am capable of separating a personality from a profession.
Recently, I got the opportunity to ask some questions to a cop. Some of these are questions that have already been answered on my site, but they were answered by a liberal lawyer. Now, they’re getting answered by a conservative cop.
I present the interview of Jaden from The Book of Jaden
Question 1 – Answer this one once and for all; Do cops really have speeding ticket quotas?”
*Laughs* It’s funny, I literally get your email about 2 hours after I answer that question with an article I wrote on my blog. But I will summarize the answer here and I would encourage you and anyone else reading to go check out my article about it for more details at Are Traffic Ticket Quotas a Reality?
The best way I can answer that, is there are no WRITTEN quotas. The very sad fact is, like the rest of the government, everything is numbers driven…even police departments. Some are worse than others, and sometimes it’s not really the departments, it may be just one particular supervisor pushing his officers to write a lot of tickets so that he looks good. Some states have actual laws to prevent quotas. Virginia has laws keeping police departments benefiting from any money made by those tickets by placing that money in the State Literary Fund. So if anyone benefits from the money made, it’s the school system.
Another reason why numbers are sometimes pushed, is because as police officers we are given a lot of freedom out on the road. The state, county, town, etc, doesn’t want to be paying officers that are hanging out at the local gas station sucking down coffee half their shift and chatting it up with the locals. They are paid to do a job so they need something to show for it. However, there is a fine line between showing that you’re doing your job and just wanting to bust out numbers for personal gain.
Question 2 – Do you give hot chicks an easier time during stops than non-hot chicks or dudes?
Nope! Everyone has an equal chance of getting a ticket or a warning. My department (and all departments that I know of are against it too) is against biased-based policing. In fact, there was a time where a woman (a very attractive woman at that) showed me her breasts to get out of a ticket. I remember cracking up on the spot and turning my head away saying, “Ma’am, put your shirt back on… you are not getting out of this ticket.” And even she laughed too… I did wish she came to court though, it would have been nice to see her pretty face again while I try to explain to the judge what happened. *laughs*
Question 3 – People like to toss around the word ‘entrapment’ a lot. What is it from a law enforcement POV?
I feel it all comes down to people not wanting to accept blame for their wrong doings. Let’s face it, even the best of us hate accepting blame to some degree, we always want to blame the reason for our actions on someone or some thing even if it’s not all the time. When it all comes down to it, we make the final choice in the end. Yes, I agree there may be people or circumstances that may ‘push’ us toward doing something, but in the end we make the final choice. So the people that get caught breaking the law, sometimes they want to throw out that ‘entrapment’ word way too easily.
When it comes to enforcement, I know that in many jurisdictions where I work if we are looking for a drunk driver, we cannot sit right across an establishment like a bar or some place known to sell alcohol, at least for the purposes of finding a drunk driver. Many defense attorneys will argue that is entrapment. There are case laws that address it as well. But nothing says we cannot just pass by from time and time again.
Say you take a scenario where a man wants to plan a murder and asks his buddy to help him find a hit-man. His buddy calls the police instead and tells them the story, the police send an undercover agent posing as a hit-man. The agent would never encourage this murderous behavior, but simply ask something like, “what do you want done?” If the man decides he wants to proceed with the plans to murder someone, then no one is trapping him or making him want to murder anyone, he’s making these decisions on his own and law enforcement is doing their job by stopping him. But maybe he has a change of heart at the last minute…. Then law enforcement can’t do a thing, and they aren’t going to ‘trick’ or ‘make’ the guy go through with the plan… because then they are committing a crime as well.
Question 4 – Your opinion on enforcing laws related to marijuana offenses. Simply stated, worth it or wasted?
I’ve heard both sides of the argument on this one in the past. Although marijuana is definitely one of the minor drugs if you compare it to cocaine, heroin, etc, it can still get people killed indirectly. I have arrested several people in the past for DUID (Driving Under the Influence of Drugs), and they were usually on marijuana. Someone really doped up on marijuana and behind a wheel can cost many people their lives including the driver. My wife and I even discussed the idea of Virginia legalizing marijuana. The advantage of it would be less criminal activity related to marijuana because the value of it would drop dramatically. Think about it… if it’s perfectly legal and anyone can get it, then it will hold no real value anymore. We all know that if something is banned or rare, it becomes very valuable and people will pay whatever price it may be to get it. But as a disadvantage, you will have more people driving after having smoked some and impairing their abilities to drive, hence getting themselves or others killed. Out of the last 5 years of me being on the job, I’ve only arrested 3 people for DUID, but have arrested 50 or more for DUI. I feel if marijuana was legalized, we would see a rapid increase of DUID related incidents. So I feel it’s definitely worth enforcing laws against possession, distribution, and any laws relating to it.
Question 5 – The biggest mistake people make when dealing with cops?
I’ll give you two: Not being honest with them, and giving them attitudes. People need to realize that we are working to protect the society we all live in as Americans. Yes we got some corrupt cops here and there, yes we got some idiots who don’t deserve to be wearing a badge of ANY sorts, but a majority of us do our very best to keep our society safe. And don’t give us the ‘My taxes pay for your salary’ speech… Because I ALSO pay taxes which means I also pay MY OWN salary.
Question 6 – Your biggest frustration in how the public views law enforcement
That we can solve and take care of ANYthing… My wife works as a dispatcher, and you would be surprised what kind of calls she gets and has to dispatch some of us to. Calls like…. parents wanting to know what they can do about their screaming 10 year old who won’t listen to them and keeps jumping on the bed and throwing stuff around. Some people need to learn how to think for themselves dammit…
Question 7 – Your craziest cop story.
Amongst the many… I do have one that comes to mind.
It was a Thursday night, myself and another officer had teamed up to pull over cars in a town that was known to harvest suspended drivers, drug dealers, and others that were usually up to no good. After stopping about 6 cars for small violations (which we gave them all warnings on), I ended up stopping this white pickup truck with a broken tag-light. There were two occupants, a female driver and a male passenger. Once I pulled them over into a store parking lot, I began talking to the driver and asking her for her license and registration. She told me she didn’t have her license on her and that she left it at the house. So I did the usual thing and got her social security number, her full name, and address. I went back to my car, ran the information, and it came back to a deceased male…. Mind you, this is a little elderly lady in her late 60s that I’m dealing with. So I go back to the truck, start asking her to be sure her social was written down correctly. I had her repeat it several times, even made sure her name was right, etc. I go back to the car, run it again and make sure I’m not screwing up either. But still….same person, a deceased male. All the lady could tell me was ‘That’s my social and my name as I told you!’ So then the light bulb in my head went off…. I called my dispatch by phone and told her what I had. I asked her to check the address that was given to me and see if any 911 calls were made from that residence in the past, and what kind of police activity (if any) had occurred there. I was looking for anything that would show on the system for that address, including warrants (if any) for the owner of that residence. The driver did state earlier that she was the only person that stayed at the address she gave me.
Oh and…while I was doing this, her drunk passenger called 911 on me and complained that officers were harassing his girlfriend… So we had some town officers stop by to make sure we were ok *laughs*
The end result was a warrant for Failure to Appear in Court issued to the lady I had stopped (who, by the way, turns out she only gave me half her name to begin with), and the social security number she gave me was only ONE DIGIT OFF from her real social. Turns out not only was she suspended, but she didn’t want me finding out she was wanted.
So as you can imagine, my time to shine had come… I got out of my car, asked her to step out of hers, and then proceeded to tell her, “Ma’am… I got good news and bad news. Good news is… you’re not dead. Bad news is, you’re wanted for failure to appear in court. Put your hands on the car, you’re under arrest.”
Question 8 – If your state government would give you more money, what would you want your department to spend it on?
Better equipment. I can’t say we are doing bad on equipment, but there are some things we could use more of or better of… like more cameras in the cars and better engines in some of these new interceptors we have been getting. And of course, continuing to fund more academy classes to get new officers out there on the road and fill vacancies.
Question 9 – If you refuse to answer a cops questions, but you specifically are not suspected of committing a crime, is that obstruction of justice?
It really all depends on the situation. Because in reality, even if you aren’t the prime suspect of the crime, you can be an accessory to the crime and you CAN get charged one way or another if the officer can articulate the reason behind the charge to establish probable cause. But if you are a witness to a crime and you refuse to answer an officer’s questions, I don’t see how you can get charged with obstruction of justice unless some state codes are written differently. Virginia’s code 18.2 – 460 focuses on a person physically hindering an officer (judge, magistrate, etc, as well) from performing their duties. But the last subsection describes someone giving false information in regards to an officer’s investigation that can be considered obstruction of justice and a class 1 misdemeanor. So in VA, unless the witness flat out lies to the officer about what they saw, I don’t see how they can be charged with anything unless the officer can prove they were in some way an accessory to that crime.
Question 10 – Why did you decide to get into law enforcement?
I just really want to help people. Whether it’s stopping somebody to make them realize they need to pay more attention on the road, pulling over to check on someone with a flat tire on a dark country road to make them feel safer, getting that drunk from behind the wheel so he doesn’t kill himself or someone else, taking to jail that abusive asshole who decided after having one too many drinks wanted to beat his wife that night, or simply walking down school halls so that kids feel safe knowing we are there for them. Just little things here and there I feel can make a difference in this world we live in, and it’s what keeps me going with this profession that I chose.
If you are interested in checking out Jaden’s site, you can find it here. His posts range from random law enforcement info, to smoking hot sex with his wife. It’s like law enforcement porn. God, what it must be like to marry a man who owns his own set of handcuffs. *sigh*
On the flip side, if you are interest in joining the fight to reform marijuana laws, feel free to contact me on the comments page. I’m currently working on a spontaneous smoke in for the central Florida area (it’s like a flash mob, only instead of dancing, we all start smoking pot at the same time. I’ll bring the funions and orange soda).
You can also check the status of Marijuana reform laws at NORML, one of the few organizations out there that won’t judge you based on your recreational choices. Let’s work together to make the sunshine state a little sunnier.
Today is Hermann Rorschach’s 129th birthday. Yeah, I think it’s stupid to keep celebrating birthdays after someone is dead too, but it makes good blog fodder.
Anyway, in honor of this momentous occasion, I’ve decided to psychoanalyze myself using some of Rorschach’s common patterns.
In this pattern, I see that slave girl Oola from Star Wars – Return of the Jedi, starring in an orgy porno with a disembodied ejaculating penis with arms, while the spaceship from space invaders looks on.
Analysis – My brain is filthy…and stuck in 1987
This is clearly Bigfoot getting a pap smear.
Analysis – Weirdly, I always thought Bigfoot was a boy. Guess I’m sexist.
Cockroach dance party between two penis towers.
Analysis – Anyone else think it’s weird that I’ve seen genitals in every single picture? This Rorschach guy was a fucking perv! Seriously, he was worse than those dudes at Disney.
This isn’t a Rorschach test. This is what happens whenever I photocopy my ass.
Analysis – I have a demon living in my anus.
Based on my own analysis, I have this to say. Psychoanalysis in 1921 was apparently nothing but guesswork in a lab coat. Simply stated, I don’t have a lot of faith in a doctor who can’t even diagnose his own appendix rupture.
Happy birthday anyway, Hermann Rorschach. Thanks for the entertainment.
When you ask someone what they think of as the most romantic movie scene, you can generally expect a pretty cookie cutter response. They might mention the prow scene on ‘Titanic’. They might mention Harry’s speech in “When Harry Met Sally.” They might mention Noah scaling the Ferris wheel in “The Notebook.”
For me, the most romantic movie scene I can think of occurs at the end of ‘Hannibal’.
Clarice finally thinks she has Hannibal cornered. The cops are on their way. With sirens screaming in the background, she handcuffs Hannibal Lector’s wrist to hers. But Lector has one last trick up his sleeve. He pulls out a meat cleaver. It raises high in the air…fade to black over the sound of one distinct chop.
In the next scene, we learn that Hannibal did escape. We assume that it is because he cleaved off Clarisse’s hand in an attempt to free himself. Then we see him on a train, sharing a boxed lunch with a small boy. The camera pans down and we see his left hand is missing.
Hannibal cut off his own hand, rather than hurt Clarice. Now that is fucking love.
In case you can’t tell, my opinion on love can be pretty extreme. Chasing me down at an airport, singing a stupid song to me, or sending me flowers isn’t going to win me over. If you want me to swoon, you need to be willing to sacrifice a body part.
I always assumed that my extreme nature would result in my dying alone. Then I met you, internet stalker.
We met about a year ago. I’d just posted an article that included three pictures of me. You sent me a long rambling message. You said you were a fan. You told me I was pretty. I thanked you.
The emails kept coming, and they kept getting weirder. One spanned paragraphs and paragraphs. It was long, rambling and incoherent. I have to admit I didn’t understand much of it, but I got the general gist. You loved me…and you wanted to wear my face as a mask.
It was the nicest thing that anyone had ever said to me.
Most women are freaked out by stalkers, but I’m not most women. I spend a lot of time alone. I have nightmares about dying in complete obscurity. I have dreams that I disappear and no one ever notices. Those nightmares go away when you send an email.
Because as long as you’re around, I know there is one person out there who is obsessed enough with me to want me dead…and who fears my death like the apocalypse at the same time.
To me, that is just fucking beautiful.
As long as you exist, I will never cease to matter. For one person out there, I am their whole world. I am the love of their life and a ‘soul sucking, bitch, whore cunt’ all at the same time. I am the girl sending you coded messages in all my posts. My eyes really are looking right at you in my gravitar picture…even though it’s a profile shot and I’m actually looking somewhere off to the left.
I heard somewhere that stalking isn’t about love. It’s about power. I don’t believe that, internet stalker. The balance of power in our relationship is purely one sided. I am the sun by which your universe revolves. You are the guy that sends me weird obsessed messages that actually improve my self esteem. I ignore the threats and I accept the compliments.
Internet stalker, our dysfunctional relationship might be the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. Know that in my own way, I love you. I don’t love you like a lover, or like a brother. I think I love you in the same way Jodie Foster loves John Hinckley Jr. Through his obsession, he made an average looking girl with subpar acting skills a household name.
He made her Clarice…not the one in Hannibal, but you get my drift.
So thank you internet stalker. Most people would tell me not to engage with you, but half the reason you love me is because I never listen to people. You make me feel good. You make me feel relevant. For that, you deserve to be recognized.
And if you ever hit the Orlando, Florida area, there is an empty apartment right across the breezeway where you can see right into my bedroom.
Leaving the blinds open for you,